I'm a literal-minded legal fanatic, born without a hint of irony. When my mother joked that my father's antics made her want to die, I called 911 to report him for attempted murder. When my deskmate swore he’d tear his heart out for me, I pressed a surgical rib spreader to his chest and demanded he fulfill his "gift." Soon, no one dared use figurative language around me—in my presence, everyone became law-abiding and precise. Then came my engagement party. My fiancé, Patrick Elkin, brought his stepsister Jessica—no blood relation, of course. They must have thought I wouldn’t dare ruin my own day. She smirked, "Eleanor, you have no idea how naughty my brother is in private. Last night he 'bullied' me until I was hoarse. With your frigid little body, you couldn’t last three minutes." The room laughed—everyone but me. My eyes turned cold. In an instant, I pinned Patrick down, aimed pepper spray at his eyes, and announced: "Hands behind your head! I’ve called the police. You just confessed to false imprisonment and battery—that’s ten years minimum. Nobody leaves until they arrive." 1 "Who called it in?" the lead officer asked. "I did." I presented my ID. "The suspect is Patrick Elkin, male, twenty-six years old." "He just publicly admitted to committing an act of sexual battery against his stepsister, Jessica, last night," I stated, my voice clinical. "The act resulted in damage to the victim's vocal cords." "All twenty-four people present can serve as witnesses." Jessica, still perched on the sofa with a half-empty glass of red wine, froze. Her mouth hung open in a perfect O. Patrick struggled violently beneath me. "Fuck! You dare touch me!" "Eleanor Vance, are you out of your goddamn mind?" "It's called banter! Banter, do you understand the concept?" I increased the pressure of my knee on his back, and Patrick let out a howl. "Officer, the suspect is agitated and displaying violent tendencies," I said calmly. "Requesting the use of handcuffs." The officers exchanged bewildered glances. Finally, one of Patrick's friends, a guy named Chad, snapped out of his stupor and rushed forward to pull me off. "Eleanor, what the hell is wrong with you?" "Jessica was joking!" "Everyone knows Patrick and Jessica are close! What's wrong with a little dirty talk?" I sidestepped Chad's grasp and pointed a finger at his nose. "Do you want to go to jail with him?" "Harboring a criminal, obstruction of justice. Up to three years." Chad snatched his hand back. Jessica, regaining her senses, burst into tears and threw herself at the officers. "Officers, it's a misunderstanding! It's really a misunderstanding!" "My brother and I were just kidding around." "My voice is hoarse because... because I was singing all night!" "Not because he 'bullied' me!" Expressionless, I played a recording on my phone. Jessica's voice filled the room. "My brother is so naughty in private." "Last night, he 'bullied' me in his room until my voice was hoarse." I hit pause. "According to the Penal Code and its judicial interpretations," I recited, "the term 'bullied' in this specific context can refer to sexual acts performed against a woman's will." "You have stated the time, place, and consequence. This constitutes a standard self-reported criminal complaint." I looked at the police. "I request that the victim, Jessica, be taken to a hospital immediately for a forensic gynecological examination and an injury assessment. And to collect any residual DNA evidence from her body." Jessica's face went deathly pale. Patrick roared, "Examine my ass! I never touched her!" "We were playing video games all night!" I sneered. "A moment ago, it was 'banter.' Now it's 'video games.'" "Inconsistent testimony points to a high degree of suspicion." "Officer, this is highly problematic. I suggest you take them both in for questioning." They slapped a pair of silver bracelets on Patrick's wrists. As they led him past me, he glared, his eyes burning with hate. "Eleanor Vance, you just fucking wait." "You ruined our engagement party." "If you don't get on your knees and lick my shoes clean, you can forget about ever marrying me!" I smoothed my collar. "According to the Public Order Act, threatening or intimidating another person is punishable by up to five days detention and a fine." "Officers, you all heard that." Patrick was shoved into the police cruiser. Jessica, sobbing almost to the point of fainting, was helped into another car by a female officer. Before the door closed, she looked back at me, her eyes filled with pure venom. The remaining guests in the private room stared at each other. No one dared to speak. I picked up my purse and scanned the room. "Group sex is also a crime," I said evenly. "Behave yourselves." I turned and walked out. Behind me, I heard the sound of Chad smashing a glass against the wall. 2 In the mediation room at the police station, Patrick's mother, Miranda Elkin, was pointing a finger at my nose, screaming. "Eleanor Vance! Did all that reading rot your brain? Huh?" "You're not even married yet and you're sending your own man to jail?" "How do you expect the Elkin family to show its face in public?" Patrick sat in a chair, his handcuffs removed. He had one leg crossed over the other, a look of profound boredom on his face. Jessica was curled up in Miranda's arms, sobbing. "Aunt Miranda, it's all my fault." "I shouldn't have made that joke." "Eleanor took it seriously. I don't blame her." "She was just trying to uphold justice..." "You hear that?" Miranda looked at Jessica with pride. "Listen to how sensible Jessica is! And then look at you!" "You're a block of wood! Not an ounce of humanity in you!" I took out a tissue and wiped the spittle from my face. "Mrs. Elkin, public humiliation is also against the law." Miranda was so enraged she raised her hand to strike me. The officer rapped his knuckles on the table. "Hey! This is a police station! Sit down!" Miranda sat down, seething. The officer reviewed the report. "After a preliminary investigation, we found no signs of assault on Ms. Jessica. It appears this was indeed a joke." He glanced at me. "The reporting party was acting out of civic duty." "Since it's a misunderstanding, just sign the papers, and we'll mediate this." Patrick snorted. "Mediate? Not a chance." He stood up and walked over to me. "Eleanor, all my friends were there today. I've been completely humiliated." "You want me to forgive you? Fine." He pointed to Jessica's feet. "Jessica had to run all over to the hospital in these heels. Her feet are blistered." "You, right now, get on your knees!" "Lick her shoes clean!" "And then say, 'I was wrong, sis.'" "Do that, and I'll pretend this never happened." Jessica waved her hands in a show of protest. "Oh no... Eleanor, you're a lady from a good family, this would dirty your hands..." But her foot, clad in a diamond-studded stiletto, inched forward. Miranda chimed in from the side. "It's what she deserves! If you do something wrong, you get punished." "You still think you're some high-society princess? Keep being stubborn, and I'll make sure your father's company goes bankrupt by tomorrow!" "Jessica is your little sister. What's wrong with serving her a little?" I looked at Patrick. "Are you sure?" He tilted his chin up. "Of course. You won't do it? Then the engagement is off!" "Your family's finances are a little tight right now, aren't they?" "Without my family's investment, your father will be jumping off a building!" I had tolerated him for the sake of our families' business alliance, but I would not tolerate this. I took out my phone. And opened the camera. "Here," I said. "Repeat your demands." Patrick slapped the phone out of my hand. It hit the floor with a crack. The screen shattered. "You dare record me? You pathetic waste of space, you can only live inside your little rulebook." "Do you really think I wouldn't kill you right now?" He grabbed my collar and shoved me against the wall. His fist was raised. The officers immediately rushed over to restrain him. "What do you think you're doing? Trying to assault an officer now?" I leaned against the wall and straightened my rumpled collar, then glanced at my shattered phone on the floor. "Destruction of private property, value exceeding five thousand dollars, a significant amount." "Attempted assault." "Patrick, your criminal record is about to get a little thicker." Patrick kicked a chair over. "Fine! Fine! You want to talk law with me? Let's talk law!" He pointed at Jessica. "Jessica, call our lawyer." "Sue her! Sue her for defamation! For slander!" "We'll demand one million dollars in emotional damages! Not a penny less!" Jessica wiped her tears away, a triumphant smirk appearing on her face. "Brother, do we really have to do this?" "Eleanor didn't mean any harm..." "Call him! Call him now!" Miranda also stood up, glaring at me. "Eleanor Vance, you brought this on yourself." "The engagement is off! We're calling it off tomorrow!" "Let's see how you explain this to your father!" With that, the three of them turned and stormed out. I knelt and picked up the broken phone. I removed the SIM card. A small smile played on my lips. Cloud backup complete. Recording uploaded. Call off the engagement? That suits me just fine. But before that, I was going to teach them what the law really means.
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