Shame

1 I am the shame of the entire journalistic world. Chasing a “thrill,” I ended up starring in sleazy indie films that bordered on porn, and I picked up a drug habit to match. My ex-wife, Chief Medical Examiner Beth Williams, was disgusted by the man I’d become—a man who’d bare anything for a buck. She was the one who personally threw me out. Eventually, just as she wanted, I vanished completely. Five years later, Beth got a call from the police department, asking her to come identify a “lost child.” “Ma’am, can you help me find my daddy? He was sleeping in a red suitcase, and someone carried him away.” My daughter’s words sent a ripple of laughter through the station. To them, I was just another junkie, probably high out of my mind and off on a bender, abandoning his own kid. Beth’s face was a thundercloud. “Where is that bastard Ethan hiding now?” she demanded. “Did he run out of cash for his next fix and send you to beg for it?” Floating in the air, I watched my daughter, Sweetie, hold up a cloth doll stained with red specks. “Daddy said,” she whispered, her voice trembling, “this is a present for the hero lady. It has the bad guys’ secrets inside.” … I hovered in the air, a weightless ghost, watching my little Sweetie. She sat on a hard bench in the police station, her tiny body caked in filth, clutching that blood-stained doll as if it were her lifeline. Her face was so smudged with grime you could barely see the sweet girl underneath, her hair a tangled mess of knots. A nearby officer shot her a look of pure contempt before dialing a number. “Dr. Williams? It’s about your ex-husband. He’s done a runner again, dumped his kid at the station.” The officer’s voice dripped with scorn. “A junkie’s a junkie. They don’t give a damn about anyone when they need a fix.” I’d grown numb to the venomous words, the casual cruelty. But I couldn’t bear for Sweetie to hear them. I tried desperately to cover her ears, but my ghostly hands passed right through her small frame, useless. Over the phone, Beth’s voice was sharp and clear. “I’m on my way.” Thirty minutes later, she strode into the station. The biting scent of disinfectant and formaldehyde clung to her, her white lab coat still on, her brow furrowed in a deep, impatient line. She completely ignored Sweetie, her eyes locking onto the officer. “Where’s Ethan?” The officer shrugged. “Can’t reach him. Phone’s off, and he’s not at his place.” A cold, bitter laugh escaped Beth’s lips. “He probably OD’d in some filthy ditch. Good riddance. One less piece of trash for society to clean up.” At the sound of her voice, Sweetie looked up, her small face hopeful. “Ma’am, are you my mommy? Daddy said my mommy is a hero.” Beth recoiled as if struck, taking a sharp step back from Sweetie’s outstretched, grimy hand. “Don’t call me that,” she snapped. “I don’t have some druggie’s brat for a daughter.” Sweetie froze, her eyes instantly welling with tears. She hurriedly lifted the doll toward Beth. “Daddy said… if I give this to the hero lady, she’ll give me food.” Beth slapped the doll from her hand. “Get that filthy thing away from me!” Sweetie tumbled to the floor. She scrambled to pick up her doll, her small hands gently brushing the dust from its fabric as sobs shook her body. Beth crouched down, her eyes boring into Sweetie. “Where is your father?” “A bad lady put Daddy in a box,” Sweetie choked out between sobs, hugging the doll tighter. “The box was leaking… so much red water. Daddy told me to run, to give the doll to the lady…” The surrounding officers burst into laughter. “A red suitcase? Sounds like the kid inherited her dad’s psychosis.” “Probably just Ethan tripping, and the kid’s making up stories to match.” “Or maybe his dealers finally caught up with him. He skipped out on his debts and fed the kid some story about a red suitcase to get her off his back.” Beth’s face hardened as she listened to their crude jokes. She grabbed Sweetie’s arm and dragged her toward the exit. “You’re coming with me. We’ll see when your deadbeat father finally decides to show his face.” As she unlocked her car, the sudden flash of the headlights illuminated Sweetie’s bare arms. They were a horrifying mosaic of bruises and tiny pinpricks. Beth’s expression shifted from anger to pure fury. “That son of a bitch,” she seethed. “He’s actually shooting up a kid this small?” No! I screamed, my voice lost to the wind. That’s from the hospital! From the blood tests for her illness! But Beth couldn’t hear me. In her eyes, I was a monster who had sunk so low as to turn his own daughter into an addict. Sweetie, oblivious to the storm raging inside the woman before her, clutched her rumbling stomach. “Ma’am,” she whispered, “I’m hungry. I want some white powder.” Beth thought she was jonesing for a fix. The fury in her eyes blazed hotter. “You want drugs at your age? Go find your junkie mother for that!” Sweetie trembled, terrified. “No, not that… baby formula. Daddy said the white powder is formula.” “Still lying!” Beth wrenched open the back door and tossed Sweetie inside. “He’s even passed his addiction on to his child. Ethan, you deserve to rot in hell!” The car door slammed shut. Huddled in the back, Sweetie hugged her doll, her voice a tiny, heartbroken whisper. “Daddy… Daddy, are you coming back?” Beth heard her. “I hope he never comes back,” she spat, her voice laced with ice. I pressed my spectral face against the window, watching my daughter curled up in the darkness and the cold, unyielding woman in the driver’s seat. Silent tears streamed down my face. 2 Beth brought Sweetie back to her villa. I recognized the pristine interior instantly. It was our marital home. Everything was still spotless, but every trace of my existence had been scrubbed clean, erased as if I’d never been there at all. Sweetie stood frozen at the doorway, staring at the polished floors. Afraid to dirty them, she quietly slipped off her tattered shoes and stood barefoot in the entryway. “Beth, you’re back.” A man in silk pajamas emerged from the master bedroom. It was Leo, the boy my mother had taken in after my own father died. After I fell from grace and left home, he had seamlessly slipped into the void I left behind, taking my place beside my mother and Beth. He stopped short when he saw Sweetie. “And who is this…?” “That bastard Ethan’s,” Beth said, shrugging off her coat with a weary sigh. “He dumped her and ran off again.” Leo approached Sweetie and knelt down. “What’s your name, little one?” Sweetie clutched her doll, shrinking away from him. “Sweetie.” “What a lovely name.” Leo smiled, reaching out to pat her head, but she flinched away. His smile faltered for a fraction of a second before returning, warmer than before. “She’s filthy. Why don’t I give her a bath?” Beth nodded, and Leo took Sweetie’s hand, leading her to the bathroom. A sense of dread washed over me, and I rushed to follow them. The moment the bathroom door clicked shut, the gentle mask fell from Leo’s face. He turned the water on, deliberately making it scalding hot. Sweetie shrieked in pain, but Leo pretended not to hear, scrubbing viciously at the cuts and bruises on her small body. “Shut up,” he hissed. “You’re a junkie’s daughter. You don’t have the right to cry.” I lunged at him, a phantom screaming in fury, but my hands passed through him, completely useless. I could only watch in horror as he tormented my child. After the bath, Leo led Sweetie out, a look of deep concern etched on his face. “Beth, look at this,” he said, his voice a low, troubled murmur. “The poor girl is covered in injuries. It seems Ethan’s life on the streets… has been rough. I can’t imagine what this child has been through with him.” Beth’s expression grew even darker. “What else would you expect from a junkie?” “Don’t be angry, Beth,” Leo soothed. “You’ve done more than enough for him.” Sweetie’s eyes lit up at the sight of bread on the kitchen counter, but she didn’t dare move toward it. Beth grabbed a slice and tossed it at her feet, as if feeding a stray. Starving, Sweetie ignored the humiliation, snatched the bread, and began to devour it, nearly choking in her haste. But she only ate half. Carefully, she wrapped the remaining piece and tucked it deep inside her pocket. Beth’s brow furrowed. “Why did you stop eating?” Frightened by her harsh tone, Sweetie stammered, “For… for Daddy. Daddy’s in the box. He doesn’t have any food.” “He’s probably off selling his body for drug money,” Beth sneered. “I doubt he’s starving.” Sweetie didn’t seem to understand. She pulled a crumpled bill from her pocket, smoothed it out carefully, and held it out to Beth. “Ma’am, Daddy said I can’t take things from people for free. This is all the money I have.” It was the last ten-dollar bill I had, earned from selling my blood to pay for Sweetie’s medicine. A faint, dark stain still marked the corner. My blood. Beth slapped the money out of her hand. “Save it,” she said cruelly. “You can use it to buy him a coffin.” The bill fluttered to the floor. Sweetie crawled over, picked it up, folded it neatly, and placed it back in her pocket. “Daddy said if I’m a good girl, he’ll come back.” “You actually believe a junkie’s promises?” Beth lit a cigarette. “He can’t even take care of himself. What makes you think he’s coming back for you?” Sweetie shook her head, her voice firm. “Daddy really is in the red suitcase. I saw him.” Her eyes filled with tears again. “I saw the bad lady hit Daddy, and lots of red water came out… The doll got red water on it too. Daddy said it has the bad guys’ secrets inside…” “ENOUGH!” Beth shot to her feet, her voice cracking like a whip. “Did that bastard teach you to lie at such a young age? What red suitcase? What bad guys? It’s all just a pathetic act he cooked up!” Terrified, Sweetie collapsed to the floor, sobbing. My heart shattered. I reached for her, desperate to hold my daughter, but my arms passed right through her trembling, little body. I’m so sorry, Sweetie. Daddy is so useless. Leo stepped forward and placed a calming hand on Beth’s arm. “Don’t be upset, Beth. It’s normal for a child to pick up bad habits from someone like that. We can teach her better.” He turned to Sweetie. “Honey, what your daddy did was very wrong. But your aunt and I will teach you how to be a good girl.” I stared at Leo, my spectral form shaking with a rage so profound it felt like it could tear the world apart. I wanted to rip that hypocritical mask from his face. 3 Before Leo could finish his sentence, my mother burst into the villa. Sweetie was still on the floor, her small body wracked with gut-wrenching sobs as she clutched her doll. The sight of her sent my mother into a blind rage. “Is that Ethan’s bastard child from the streets?!” Sweetie flinched and scrambled backward, pulling the doll in close. “Grandma…” she whispered. “Who are you calling Grandma?!” my mother shrieked, lunging forward and shoving Sweetie hard. “The Hayes family has no room for filthy trash like you!” Sweetie fell, her head cracking against the sharp corner of the glass coffee table. Blood instantly welled from the gash, streaming down her face. “NO! Mom! She’s not a bastard!” I screamed, throwing myself in front of Sweetie, my ghostly fingers trembling with fear and rage. But no one could see me. “Mom!” Beth cried, rushing to help Sweetie. “Don’t you dare touch her!” my mother snarled, pointing a shaking finger at Beth. “Who knows what whore Ethan knocked up to have this thing! What were you thinking, bringing her here?!” I watched, paralyzed, as my daughter’s blood pooled on the pristine floor. I wanted to hold her, to wipe away the blood, but I could do nothing. How I wished I were still alive, just so I could protect my little girl. “Daddy…” Sweetie cried as she struggled to sit up, blood dripping into her eyes. “It hurts, Daddy…” “I hope it hurts you to death!” my mother sneered. “Your father is a degenerate animal who sold his body for porn and drugs until he was less than human. You’re no better!” “My daddy is not a bad man!” Sweetie suddenly shouted, her voice ringing with conviction. “My daddy is a hero!” “A hero?” My mother laughed, a harsh, grating sound. “A junkie who gets naked for cameras is a hero? Is that what they call heroes now?” She turned her fury on Beth. “I’m giving you two choices. Either you send this little mongrel to a group home, or I’ll drop dead right here. You decide!” Leo quickly moved to support my mother as she swayed. “Mom, please, don’t get worked up. Think about your health.” “How can I not be worked up?” she gasped, clutching her chest. “That bastard Ethan has dragged the Hayes family name through the mud! And now he expects us to raise his bastard child? In his dreams!” Beth stood frozen, her face a mask of pale exhaustion. She looked from the bleeding child on the floor to her furious, trembling mother-in-law. “I’ll contact social services,” she finally said, closing her eyes. Her voice was hollow. “As soon as I’m done with my current case, I’ll take her.” “No…” Sweetie sobbed, crawling to Beth’s feet. “I’ll be good, I promise. I don’t want anything. I just want to find my daddy…” “Your daddy abandoned you!” Beth kicked her away. “And stop telling those ridiculous lies!” Just then, Beth’s phone rang. “Dr. Williams, we’ve got a development in the Blackwood River dismemberment case. We found a complete red suitcase at the scene. We need you down here immediately.” Beth hung up and glanced at the sobbing child on the floor. “She’s coming with me.” “Beth…” Leo began softly. “Maybe it’s better if she stays here.” “Just take care of Mom,” Beth replied, her tone final. My mother snorted. “Good. Leave her at a crime scene. Maybe she’ll get lost and die there. At least I won’t have to look at her.” Leo helped my mother to the couch, murmuring comforting words. “Mom, don’t be angry. Let me get you some water.” As he turned toward the kitchen, I saw it clearly: a subtle, cruel curve of his lips. I knew he was the one who had tipped off my mother, but there was nothing I could do to expose his treachery. I could only watch as Beth picked Sweetie up like a sack of garbage and threw her into the car. The car sped through the night. Sweetie was curled in the back, the blood on her forehead now a dark, sticky crust. She hugged her doll and whispered into the darkness. “Daddy, I found the lady, but she doesn’t believe me…” “Daddy, I’m so scared…” “Daddy, are you cold in the box? Please come get me…” My heart felt like it was being shredded. I floated as close to her as I could, praying she might feel even a flicker of my presence, a whisper of warmth. I’m so sorry, Sweetie. Daddy is so useless. I couldn’t even make sure you’d be safe. 4 The car screeched to a halt by the Blackwood River. Yellow police tape cordoned off the area, but a crowd of onlookers had already gathered. Beth pulled on a pair of latex gloves and knelt by the riverbank without a word. “Daddy! Daddy!” From inside the car, Sweetie saw the red suitcase and began pounding on the window. Police Captain Miller frowned. “Dr. Williams, what’s the kid doing here?” “Ethan’s bastard,” Beth said without looking up. “She’s going to a group home after this.” Miller sighed. “Poor kid. Having a father like Ethan is a tough break.” “Poor?” Beth scoffed. “She’s five years old and already knows how to lie to get what she wants.” I watched my daughter, her cries growing hoarse until she could barely breathe, and my soul ached. I looked at the woman she had become—this cold, bitter stranger—and remembered a day seven years ago. She had been shielding me from an attacker, her arm sliced open to the bone, but her eyes were fierce and unwavering. “No matter what happens,” she had promised me, “I will always believe you.” Who could have imagined it would come to this? The sound of the suitcase zipper was unnaturally loud in the night air. A foul stench billowed out, so overpowering that several younger officers gagged and ran to the side to vomit. Inside the suitcase was what was left of me. My face was an unrecognizable ruin, destroyed by acid. My head was shaved. My body was contorted into a grotesque, unnatural position. Beth used a pair of forceps to examine the corpse’s arm. “Victim has extensive track marks,” she reported to Miller, her voice clinical. “A long-term intravenous drug user. Cause of death appears to be exsanguination. The killer’s technique is professional. Looks more like a targeted hit.” She stood and stripped off her gloves. “Send him to the morgue for a full autopsy.” When Beth returned to the car, Sweetie was still frantically pounding on the glass, her voice raw. “Daddy… don’t go…” Beth glanced at her in the rearview mirror, her voice like ice. “Be quiet. That’s not your father! A man like him is probably shacked up in some whore’s bed right now!” Her voice cracked with menace. “If you make another sound, I’ll throw you to the dogs.” Sweetie’s small body flinched. She fell silent, but tears continued to stream down her face. In the morgue, Beth changed into blue scrubs and stood impassively before the autopsy table. “A classic junkie,” she said to her assistant, gesturing with disgust at the dense cluster of needle marks on my inner arm. “These people will do anything for money. He deserved to die.” I floated beside her, staring at those marks. They weren't my choice, I wanted to scream. The traffickers shot me up every day to keep me compliant… But she would never know. As Beth’s examination moved to the ankles, her hand suddenly froze. There, on my left ankle, was a hideous, puckered scar, the flesh melted and mangled from a burn. “This scar…” Her assistant leaned in. “Given the shape and depth, it’s likely self-inflicted. It’s common for individuals in these marginalized groups to have severe psychological issues.” Beth didn’t respond. She just stared at the scar for a long, long time. So long that I almost believed she remembered. I would never forget that day. She had pointed at the fresh butterfly tattoo on my ankle, her face a mask of cold fury. “Ethan, have you no shame?” she’d spat. “Getting something so garish tattooed on you. Is it to make yourself more appealing when you’re out selling yourself?!” I offered no explanation. Instead, right there in front of her, I took a lit cigarette and pressed it into my own skin, again and again. The smell of burning flesh filled the air, and a pain so intense it made my entire body tremble seized me. But I clenched my jaw and refused to shed a single tear. “Are you satisfied now?” I had asked. She stared at me, her expression shifting from shock to confusion, and finally, to complete and utter revulsion. “If you’re so determined to destroy yourself,” she had said, her voice dripping with contempt, “then don’t be surprised when everyone in the world looks down on you, Ethan!” That was the last time we ever saw each other. … Beth’s hand, holding the scalpel, remained suspended in mid-air. After a long moment, she seemed to snap back to reality, resuming the autopsy with a renewed, almost brutal, efficiency. It wasn’t until her assistant opened my stomach that he let out a sharp gasp. “Dr. Williams, wait! There’s… there’s something hard in here!” He carefully extracted the object with a pair of tweezers and carried it to the sink to rinse it clean. As layers of grime washed away, a tiny inscription on the inside of a ring was gradually revealed. EH ❤ BW 05.20.2019

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