Because he hated my parents for causing his parents' deaths, Julian Thorne made me his mistress for nine years. Over those nine years, he told me countless times how much he hated me. Yet, when I caught a minor cold, he would cancel multi-million dollar projects just to fly back and make me soup. I thought our feelings had long surpassed that old hatred. Until, two months after I gave birth to his child, I overheard a conversation between him and another woman. "Julian, the baby has stopped breathing. How are you going to explain this to Stella?" Julian answered without hesitation: "Explain what? The child of an enemy giving his life for our experiment is a blessing for him." "It's also a good way to let that woman see what it feels like to have her closest kin die tragically before her eyes!" It turned out he had waited bitterly for nine years just for this true revenge. I took my child's ashes and walked, lost and broken, to the riverside, ready to end my life. As I plummeted, I saw his face turn pale as he tried to jump after me. 1 "Since you know everything, there's no need for me to hide it anymore." The white walls of the laboratory felt coldly impersonal. Julian looked at me, a flicker of pain crossing his eyes before he spoke with utter cruelty. "He is indeed dead." "Injected with a massive dose of experimental drugs by my own hand." I stared at him, stunned, my hands trembling uncontrollably. "Why..." "That was your child too!" I moved my lips, but my voice came out hoarse and broken. Julian looked at me in silence for a few seconds, then turned his head away. "I told you countless times, Stella..." "Because of hate. I hate your parents, I hate you, and I hate your child." Hate... The familiar word echoed in my ears again. I bit my lip. Over nine years, I had lost count of how many times I'd heard it. He hated my parents for doing nothing during his family's company crisis, leaving all the mess to his parents. They even embezzled all the funds and fled abroad. Leaving his parents with no way out, choosing to end their lives with a bottle of sleeping pills. Yet, he would always say he hated me while treating me with boundless kindness. He would drive all night just to take me to see the sunrise at the beach because I said I was bored, abandoning huge business deals. He would hold my hand in his pocket to keep it warm during winter. Sometimes, on a whim, he would even take the eyebrow pencil from my hand and draw my eyebrows stroke by stroke. Then laugh embarrassedly at his clumsy handiwork. I thought... I thought that despite the blood feud, love could grow lush and strong between us, bridging the hatred. But now, when I questioned him in disbelief, he sneered: "Stella, because I could see that the better I treated you, the guiltier you felt." "It was just acting out a love scene with you." "Did you actually take it seriously?" My body went limp uncontrollably, my hands instinctively covering my lower abdomen. The scar from the C-section throbbed faintly, mixing with the pain in my heart, suffocating me. With just a few words, he effortlessly destroyed all my defenses. My hands, which had been gripping his collar, dropped. I felt cold all over. I couldn't help but laugh at myself. I was so stupid, stupid enough to believe that love could overcome such deep-seated hatred. I remembered when I was eighteen, orphaned just before my college entrance exams, living alone in a dilapidated rental. I held a fruit knife, measuring my wrist. Thinking about where to cut, but lacking the courage to actually do it. The room was tiny—a bed, a table and chairs, some pots and pans took up almost all the space. Julian stood at the door, looking at the room where there was barely space to stand, his emotions fluctuating for a long time. Finally, he punched the wall behind me in anger, grabbed my wrist, and dragged me out of there. I squatted down in despair, unable to control my sobbing. ... A sharp ringtone broke the silence. I don't know what the person on the other end said, but Julian glanced at me with a complicated expression. "Then take it directly to cremation." My heart shrank as if sensing something. In an instant, I understood. I grabbed Julian's coat desperately, like clutching the last straw. "Cremation?" "Who are you cremating?" He didn't answer me. Instead, he peeled my fingers off one by one, coldly. He said, "Stay in the hospital and be good." The way he flung me aside felt as if I wasn't his girlfriend of nine years, but a piece of useless trash. Although to Julian now, I, this girlfriend, seemed to be just trash. In that instant, I seemed to lose all strength. From that moment on, the will to die had taken root in my heart. After a long silence, I looked at him with red eyes, voice hoarse. "Julian, I want to see him..." But Julian promised nothing. He just glanced at me indifferently and turned his back. "You should go back to the hospital and stay there." "Claire, let's go." He left with Claire, walking to the end of the corridor without looking back at me once. I stared blankly at their retreating figures. As they were about to disappear from my sight... I wiped the tears from my face, got up, and followed them. I ran urgently, almost pushing Claire over. "You!" Claire's face turned pale. Just as she was about to accuse me, She saw me pull out the fruit knife I had prepared. Slowly pressing it against my throat. I looked at Julian, expression calm but acting like a madwoman. I said, "Julian, take me to see him." 2 Julian paused while opening the car door, his eyes holding an unreadable emotion. "Want to send him off on his last journey?" I lowered my head slowly under his gaze. "Yes." "Julian, I just want to see him..." "Please, can you?" "If you're still not satisfied, take my life too..." For a moment, a mocking look appeared on Julian's face. He seemed to think I was begging him only because I didn't want to die. He tightened his grip on my wrist holding the knife, pushing it closer to my throat, and sneered. "Stella, do you think I really care about your life?" "If you want to die, find a quiet place. Don't dirty my and Claire's eyes." "Besides, do you really dare to die?" After saying this, he drove off with Claire. Before getting in the car, Claire looked me up and down. The contempt in her eyes made me clench my fists hidden under my clothes. Julian thought the lab was too far in the suburbs to get a taxi. As long as he left with Claire, no matter how unwilling I was, I would stay put. But he didn't expect that I, usually cowardly, would start running after a moment of silence. I don't know where the strength and courage came from. Through the rearview mirror, he could clearly see me running behind the car. Stubbornly, with all my might, chasing his receding vehicle. Falling, getting up, falling again, getting up again... Over and over, as if I had lost the sensation of pain. Julian slammed on the brakes, cursing under his breath. "Crazy." Seeing the car finally stop in the distance, a glimmer of hope rose in my heart. I stumbled and ran to the car. Even though it was a hot summer day, the temperature in the car made me shiver. In the back seat, I hugged myself tightly, trying to find a bit of warmth from my own embrace. But the result was always disappointing. I couldn't find the strength to keep living. Even as the car drove onto the cross-river bridge, I seriously considered it. If I jumped out here and drowned in the river... It seemed like a good idea. The lab was far from the crematorium. By the time we arrived, it was nearly evening. When getting out of the car, Julian reflexively reached out to me. But for the first time in my life, I ignored him and ran straight to the morgue. Passing body after body, I couldn't find my baby. I didn't know how to describe my feelings then. Despair, or relief... I paralyzed myself repeatedly in my heart. Maybe this was just a dream. A dream where flowers withered and life was bleak. But actually, my baby was safely receiving treatment. Maybe in a few months, when I woke up, we would be a reunited family. I didn't know. I just mechanically, numbly searched for my baby. When I walked out of the morgue, lost and soulless, I happened to see a worker pushing a body towards the furnace. I stopped, sensing something. When I saw the body, I recognized him instantly. That was my baby... In the two months since he was born, I had only seen him three times and held him once. They said he was weak and needed treatment in a sterile room. So every time I saw him, it was through a thick glass wall. I was outside, he was inside. I hadn't even given him a name. In the two months after his birth, I looked through numerous dictionaries but couldn't find two suitable characters. I thought, when he gets better, I will definitely... Give him the best name in the world. But I never imagined our fourth meeting would be like this. He lay there quietly, being pushed towards the fire ahead. 3 The world seemed to be muted. There was no sound in my world anymore. Only the flickering flames in front of my eyes. And my child about to be pushed into the fire, disappearing from my world bit by bit. In that moment, I forgot that the fire was enough to burn me to death. I couldn't even hear the worker's startled cry. Driven by some unseen force, I rushed forward, diving into the fire. I wanted to hold him one more time. "Baby..." I'm sorry, really sorry. I didn't protect you well. Or perhaps, I shouldn't have given birth to you. A life bearing hatred is destined not to be happy. But do you know how happy I was when I found out you had life inside me... The scorching flames burned my skin bit by bit. But I felt no pain, rushing forward recklessly. I thought, my life is already rotten anyway. Dying with my baby seems fine. "Stella, what are you doing?" Julian dragged me back from the fire with all his might. By the firelight, I saw my reflection in Julian's eyes. Messy and crazy. His eyes held emotions I couldn't read. Anger, panic, and perhaps a bit of... pity. He gripped my shoulders tightly, his strength frightening. "Do you want to die?" I collapsed weakly. He was right. I didn't know the meaning of living anymore. "Yes, Julian, I don't want to live..." "I've lived enough." "Julian, let me die with my baby..." Under the firelight, I cried uncontrollably. Julian's expression changed abruptly, panic showing in his eyes where I couldn't see. Then, he grabbed my arm tightly, forcing me to look at him. "Die?" "Stella, do you deserve to die?" "You have to live, live to atone for your parents." His cold, hard expression pierced my eyes, chilling me to the bone. Like wind blades in a snowy night. "And don't threaten me with death again." "At eighteen, you were too cowardly to die. Do you think nine years later, you have the courage?" Watching my breakdown, Julian felt a sharp prick in his heart. Not very painful, but the strange feeling was distinct. In a trance, another me appeared before him. The me who fell asleep on the sofa waiting for him to come home. The me who carefully pulled his sleeve asking for forgiveness when I made a mistake. The me who cried to him with red eyes when I accidentally cut my finger. The me who, despite being sick and weak, insisted on hugging him from behind in the kitchen, refusing to rest... These versions of me merged with the woman crying hysterically in front of him. Yet they seemed like two different people. For no reason, his heart felt heavy. Julian clenched his hands hidden in his sleeves, forcefully suppressing the tidal wave of emotions. He took the urn handed by the worker and threw it to me without hesitation. Like throwing away a hot potato. In the night, his tone was cold and hard. "When you're done crying, take your son and get out." He left with Claire, ignoring me, who was crying nearly to the point of fainting. Under the night sky, I held my child's ashes and walked step by step back to the "home" I had lived in for nine years. The summer night wind wasn't cold, but at that moment, I felt there was no warmth left in the world. When I got home, Julian was leaning back on the sofa, lost in thought. Seeing me, his gaze swept over the box I held tightly, his eyelids drooping. His words were harsh and ear-piercing. "Only you would treat him like a treasure." These words hit my heart like heavy summer rain, sparking anger towards him. For the first time in my life, I retorted sharply. "Naturally, I can't compare to you, who can kill your own son." Julian seemed stung by a secret pain. A flash of agony crossed his eyes, but he refused to admit defeat. Finally, he snorted coldly and returned to his room. 4 When I woke up, Julian was on the balcony making a phone call. Ash from the cigarette in his hand fell intermittently. I don't know what the person on the other end said. Julian frowned, his voice heavy. "Is this the only way?" Claire's voice came from the other end. "Julian, I know it's cruel, but this is a great breakthrough." "The minerals in the ashes are very helpful for our research." "This is also the consensus of the other colleagues." "Alright, I know." Julian extinguished the cigarette irritably. Turning around, he saw me standing behind him, scrutinizing him with suspicion. He paused, looking guilty. But in just a few breaths, he quickly adjusted. "Give me your son's ashes." He said just this short sentence to me. But connecting it with the voice from the phone, I guessed instantly what he wanted to do. "Julian!" "Do you have any conscience left?!" I looked at him in disbelief. I really didn't know why this man, who had shared my bed for nine years, was so cold-blooded and ruthless. He killed my baby. And now, he wanted to take my baby's ashes for research... Julian was silent for a moment, then looked at me with a sneer. "Conscience?" He gripped the back of my neck, as if wanting to crush me. "When your parents killed my parents, why didn't you talk to me about conscience?" These words, like a torrential downpour in a summer night, extinguished the last flame in my heart bit by bit. I looked at his bloodshot eyes, helplessness spreading through my body. "Stella, everything happening now is just karma, blood for blood." "Your parents died, so you and your son pay the debt." "Is there a problem?" At this moment, his hatred, hidden for years, was finally fully exposed. But... "But Julian, he had your blood too!" I loosely grabbed his collar. Trying to awaken any remaining pity he had for me, for our baby. But he had none. Only for a moment, a trace of unknown emotion flashed in his eyes. He said: "Is that so? To me, he was garbage carrying the enemy's blood." His gaze swept over me, then behind me. Finally, it rested on my bedroom. Through the door and window, he saw a small metal box on the nightstand. Julian paused, then flung me aside. He strode towards my bedroom, his ruthlessness making me feel pathetic. Gathering strength from somewhere, I rushed forward. Just a second before his fingers touched the urn, I grabbed it and held it tight in my arms. Maybe my gaze was too paranoid; Julian was silent for a moment, his hands slowly gripping my shoulders. He struggled internally for a long time. "Forget it." "If you really like children that much." "We can have another one later." His tone was like rewarding a stray dog with a bone. Making me instantly nauseous. I endured and endured, but finally slapped Julian across the face. I used almost all my strength. A red palm print was clearly visible on his face. He turned his head aside, stunned for a long time. I stared at him, my voice filled with uncontrollable resentment. "Julian, I never knew you could be so shameless." After saying this, before he could recover, I ran out holding the ashes. I locked the door, trapping Julian inside. His frantic pounding came from within. "Stella, are you crazy? What are you doing?" "Leave the ashes!" I turned a deaf ear and ran. The river wind hit my face. I ran onto the cross-river bridge under the blazing summer sun. Not long after, the sound of a car horn came from behind. I looked back; Julian had caught up. His voice was thick with urgency, but I wouldn't stop for him anymore. Maybe it was time to end these years of love and hate. Just as he was about to catch me, I stopped and climbed over the railing. I jumped without hesitation. As I fell, I saw Julian's terrified eyes. He scrambled up the railing, wanting to jump with me. But was held back firmly by passersby. I gave him a mocking smile. Julian, I'm no longer that cowardly girl of eighteen who didn't dare to cut her wrist. Today, even if I die, I won't give you my baby's ashes.
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