I bought a used laptop online, expecting a beat-up machine to get me through the school year. What arrived was the latest, high-end model, brand new out of the box. I opened it up, and my jaw hit the floor. The wallpaper was a photo of me. The password was my birthday. Just as I was wondering if I had a secret admirer or a stalker, my phone blew up. The seller was spamming me with frantic texts: "Dude! I sent the wrong one! That’s my sister’s brand-new laptop!" "That wasn't the one for sale! Oh my god, she’s going to kill me." "Did you see the guy on the wallpaper? That’s her future husband. She’s obsessed with him." "Please, for the sake of true love, can you send it back?" 1 My four-year-old laptop finally gave up the ghost right before payday. I was broke. I teach third grade; "broke" is my default setting. I scoured eBay for four days until I found a listing that fit my sad little budget. To save even more money, I decided to shoot my shot. I pulled out the metaphorical machete: "Would you take $200?" The listing was for $500. I expected to be blocked or cursed out. Instead, the seller replied instantly: "Sure. Free shipping, too." I felt like I’d encountered a benevolent god. I sent a string of generic, over-the-top compliments to the default avatar profile: "You are an angel! May you win the lottery! May you get a promotion! May your crush fall in love with you!" After a pause, she replied: "I hope so." I paid immediately. The seller messaged: "We’re in the same city. Can you pick it up?" "Totally." A few minutes later: "Actually, something came up. I have to go out of town. I’ll have my family courier it to you tomorrow." The next day, I came home from school to find a package. I opened it, and my smile froze. This wasn't the gray brick I ordered. This was a Rose Gold, top-of-the-line beast. It cost ten times what I paid. Confused, I hit the power button. The screen lit up. And there I was. It was a photo of me from high school, standing under a cherry blossom tree, holding an ice cream cone, waving at the camera. I looked young, happy, and full of life. Unlike the current me, who looks like a walking corpse fueled by caffeine. Why did a stranger have my photo as their wallpaper? Was this a prank? A gift? I looked at the password field. on a hunch, I typed in my birthday. Click. Unlocked. I grabbed my phone to ask the seller what was going on. That’s when the barrage of texts came in. "I messed up! I grabbed the wrong box!" "That’s my sister’s laptop! She keeps a photo of her 'dream husband' on it because she’s crazy!" "Please, help a girl out!" 2 I stared at the screen. "Dream husband?" Me? I convinced myself it was a coincidence. Maybe my photo became a meme online or a stock image. As for the birthday... plenty of people are born on that day. The seller’s panic seemed genuine, and honestly, a little hilarious. I replied: "Okay, I’ll return it." I’m a teacher. I can’t steal a laptop, and I certainly don't want to mess with someone’s "dream husband" delusion. The seller sent a flood of crying emojis. "Thank you! You're a saint! I’ll meet you at the mall near the elementary school. Call me when you get there." I grabbed the laptop and headed to the mall. I scanned the entrance for anyone looking like they were waiting for a package. Instead, I saw one of my students. Zoe. Zoe was staring at her massive, pink smartwatch, stomping her foot nervously. Seeing her triggered a memory from that morning. During recess, Zoe had cornered me. "Mr. Miller, do you have a girlfriend?" "No," I’d said. She slapped her hand on her desk and pulled over another kid, Lucas. "Okay, Mr. Miller. Two choices. One: You become my brother-in-law. Two: You become his uncle. Pick one." I was confused. Then I remembered Zoe was Lucas’s aunt (don't ask about the family tree). Lucas had chimed in, "Yeah! My Aunt Nora is super pretty! She’s a police detective! She’s tall and kicks butt!" I had laughed it off. "I’ll give you two choices. Double homework, or triple homework?" They had scattered like roaches. Now, seeing Zoe at the mall, I tried to hide. I didn't want to get roped into another "Choose Your Own Adventure" romance plot. I looked at the sky. I looked at my shoes. "Mr. Miller!" Too late. Zoe sprinted over. "What a coincidence! Are you waiting for a girlfriend?" I sighed. "No, Zoe." It was 7:30 PM. "Where are your parents? It’s getting dark." Zoe held up her watch. "I am on a mission. To protect my sister’s love life... and my own survival." "Is your ride here?" She pointed to a sleek, expensive black car by the curb. "Driver’s right there." I remembered I needed to call the seller. I dialed the number. Zoe’s giant pink watch started ringing. 3 The look on Zoe’s face was a masterpiece of pure terror. She stared at the laptop in my hands. Her brain rebooted. "M-Mr. Miller? You bought the laptop?" I handed it to her. "Here." "Lying isn't a good habit, Zoe. Also, tell your sister to refund my money." Zoe looked like she was about to cry. "I can’t refund it! If she sees the transaction, she’ll know I sold the wrong one! She’s a cop! She knows how to hide a body!" "She beats me! You don't want to see your favorite student with a black eye, do you?" "I thought you said she was nice?" I asked. "She is! I mean... no! She's a tyrant! Please, Mr. Miller!" She was spiraling. "Okay, okay," I said. "But I need the computer I actually bought. Or the money." Zoe sniffled. "Can you... come to my house and get it?" 4 I followed Zoe into her house. The living room was full of people. "Mom, Dad, I'm home!" Zoe announced. "Sister... you're back?" On the couch sat a woman. She had her eyes closed. She was wearing a simple T-shirt and sweatpants, but you could see the muscle definition underneath. Tan skin. Sharp jawline. Even sleeping, she looked intimidatingly gorgeous. So this is the sister. My eyes lingered a little too long. Zoe tugged my sleeve. "Mr. Miller, you're drooling." "I am not." Zoe ran over to the woman and shook her. "Nora! Wake up! Emergency!" Her parents walked over to me, looking confused. "Who is this?" They didn't recognize me. Which was weird, because "Zoe's Guardian" liked every single one of my Facebook posts. "Hi, I'm Liam Miller. Zoe's teacher." The woman on the couch snapped her eyes open. She looked at me. Her gaze was sharp, analytical. A predator assessing prey. I looked away, nervous. Zoe was whispering to her sister. "Buy me the Lego Death Star! Or else!" Nora grabbed Zoe by the collar and tossed her aside like a sack of potatoes. "You failed math. No Death Star. Be quiet." Zoe's mom ushered me in. "Is Zoe in trouble at school? She's a handful." "No, no," I explained. "I actually bought a laptop from... Zoe's sister. There was a mix-up." "Nora?" Her dad called out. "Go get Mr. Miller his computer." Nora stood up. She walked past me without a word, her face completely blank, and went into a bedroom. Zoe was punching the sofa cushions in rage. "She won't buy it! Evil woman!" I sat awkwardly with the parents. I decided to make conversation. "Zoe is a great kid," I lied. "Very spirited. She's talked the ears off nine different desk-mates." Before I could finish, a slice of orange was shoved into my mouth. "Eat, Mr. Miller," Zoe hissed. "My sister peeled it." Zoe hopped off the couch and grabbed the rose gold laptop I had placed on the table. She opened it. The screen lit up. My face, eating ice cream, beamed at the entire family. Just then, Nora walked out of her room. Zoe gasped theatrically. "Oh my god, Nora! Why is Mr. Miller on your wallpaper? That is so weird!"
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