In my third year of rotting away in Hollywood, I snagged a flash marriage. My mother-in-law is my best friend. My husband never comes home. And I have unlimited access to the Black Card. Life was sweet. Until the bad news dropped: My husband, who was out there making millions, just got dumped. The sky was falling. I threw on the ugliest clothes I owned overnight. I was terrified he’d notice my beauty and actually want to commit to this marriage. But that same day, good news arrived: My mother-in-law wanted a divorce. And she got custody of me. I slapped the divorce papers onto Caleb’s chest. The icy, high-profile movie star started crying like a broken kettle: "I busted my ass working all year, only to come home and find out I’m a child of divorce, and my wife—who I haven't even hugged yet—is gone!" 1 I’m Harper. A D-list nobody in Hollywood, but famous for my insane luck. Right now, I’m lounging in an 8,000-square-foot Beverly Hills mansion. On my left hand is the diamond bracelet my mother-in-law just gave me. In my right hand, I’m scrolling through Twitter. #CalebStoneDrunk is trending #1. My finger froze. My heart dropped. In the photo, my husband on paper—the A-list heartthrob Caleb Stone—is sitting on a curb outside a dive bar, surrounded by empty beer bottles. That face, which has charmed millions, looks flushed. His eyes are as mournful as an abandoned puppy. The comments section is blowing up: [OMG! What happened to Caleb? Did he break up with Serena?] [Definitely a breakup! Being a trophy wife isn't easy, I guess!] [Wait, isn't Caleb married? Who is his wife again?] I rolled my eyes. That would be me. I might be a nobody, but I have a legendary bestie—Vicky. Once the queen of the silver screen, now the most powerful woman in the industry. Two years ago, Vicky and I met on a reality show. We clicked instantly. It was love at first sight. Well, platonic love. We wanted to move in together immediately, but Vicky was already the wife of a billionaire mogul. Luckily, she had a son. To ensure we could be besties for life, she gift-wrapped her son and handed him to me. As for Caleb? He wore a cold face through the entire wedding and flew off to shoot a movie the next day. Naturally, his mom arranged the schedule. Vicky said no man on earth was good enough for me. To make up for it, she spent money on me. Endlessly. To keep Caleb from annoying me, she kept him booked on business trips. My daily routine consisted of three things: Spending money, rotting in bed, and praying Caleb didn't come home. But looking at the trending topics, I had a bad feeling. Did my husband actually get his heart broken? 2 Sure enough, the next morning, the butler knocked on my door, sounding panicked yet excited: "Mrs. Stone! The Mister is back!" I was so scared I literally rolled off the bed. Wasn't he supposed to be filming Love and Death with Serena? "Ma'am, are you okay?" the butler asked concernedly. "I'm fine!" I yelled, rubbing my butt as I scrambled up. "Tell Caleb I'm dead!" Disaster. If he walks in and sees a wife with a snatched waist, legs for days, and skin like porcelain... What if he feels guilty? What if he gets ideas and wants to be a real family? My good life would be over! I frantically raided the closet. Thank god. I still had the outfit I bought for a gag gift for my grandma’s 80th birthday. It was an oversized, shapeless housecoat. Neon pink with massive, tacky yellow flowers. I put it on. I looked like a walking fruit salad. I messed up my hair and looked in the mirror. Perfect. Caleb would vomit just looking at me. I marched downstairs, ready for war. As soon as my foot hit the landing, our eyes met. "Housekeeper, where is Harper?" he asked. Housekeeper? Excellent. I looked up at Caleb standing in the living room. He froze, his pupils dilating in shock. He was wearing a simple white dress shirt, sleeves rolled up to show off his forearms. The California sun hit him through the floor-to-ceiling windows. I hate to admit it, but he inherited Vicky’s genes. The man is dangerously good-looking. "Hubby~ You're baaaaaack~" I dragged the vowel out so long I gave myself goosebumps. Caleb’s adam's apple bobbed. He nodded, expressionless. "Yeah." That's it? I look like a radioactive flower garden and you have nothing to say? I decided to dial it up. "Hubby~ I missed you soooo much~" I waddled over, twisting my waist, using a voice so sweet it could cause diabetes. "I couldn't sleep without you here~" Caleb’s gaze lingered on me for two seconds, then calmly shifted away. "What do you want for lunch?" Excuse me? That's your reaction? "I want tacos! Greasy ones! With extra hot sauce!" I declared. Everyone knows Caleb is a health freak who hates junk food. "Okay," he nodded. "I'll tell the chef." Wait. This isn't going according to plan. Soon enough, a platter of gourmet, healthy, organic tacos appeared. I deployed my ultimate weapon. I picked out the cilantro—Caleb’s mortal enemy. "Hubby~ This cilantro is so yummy~ Do you want a bite?" I shoved a forkful right in his face. "Sure." He opened his mouth and actually ate it off my fork. Clatter. I dropped the fork. Caleb looked at me, the corner of his mouth twitching upward. "What are you smiling at?" I asked defensively. "Nothing," he said, returning to his resting stone face. "Eat." Something was wrong. Very wrong. 3 "Vicky! Emergency! Caleb is home!" I bolted back to the bedroom and called my bestie. "What?" Vicky gasped on the other end. "I'm ordering you the latest Cartier collection right now! For emotional damages!" "No, Vicky, the point is he came back! And he saw me dressed like a clown and didn't even flinch!" "Oh, please. He has no right to judge you," Vicky scoffed. "By the way, Hermes released a new bag. I ordered it in three colors for you." "Vicky..." "Also, I had my assistant wire you two hundred grand. Go buy something nice." Me: "......" This is my life. My mother-in-law is my best friend. Money is unlimited. Husband is absent. Perfection. If only Caleb would disappear again, it would be utopia. 4 While Caleb was on a conference call, I snuck out. There’s a taco truck nearby that makes the greasiest, most delicious tacos. I sat on a plastic stool on the sidewalk, still wearing my hideous neon housecoat, inhaling food. Zero nutritional value. 100% happiness. Just as I shoved the last bite into my mouth... Click. I turned to see a paparazzo snapping photos like a maniac. "Harper! Does this outfit mean the Stone family has kicked you out?" "Is it true your marriage to Caleb is a sham?" Internally, I was celebrating. Externally, I put on a brave, sad face. "No... we're fine..." The paparazzo’s eyes lit up. Efficiency is key in this town. By that afternoon, #HarperTrophyWifeFail was trending. The photo showed me in the neon housecoat, hair like a bird's nest, aggressively eating a taco. The comments were brutal: [LMAO. This is the billionaire wife? She looks like my grandma!] [She’s eating that taco like she hasn't seen food in weeks. Is she broke?] [I heard she was just a surrogate they hired, and now that she can't get pregnant, they kicked her out!] [Caleb and Serena are true love! Harper is just a placeholder who sucked up to his mom.] [Not gonna lie, that taco looks good. Drop the location.] I was happily scrolling through the hate comments when I saw Caleb had posted on Instagram. A photo of dinner. Caption: [Home cooking.] Eagle-eyed netizens spotted a sleeve of my ugly housecoat in the corner of the frame. The comments exploded again: [Wait! That ugly sleeve belongs to Harper! They’re eating together?] [Impossible! Caleb has taste! This must be Photoshop!] [Yeah, he hasn't been home since the wedding.] I stared at the phone, confused. Was Caleb... trying to clear my name? Impossible! Vicky must have forced him! Every time the media reports our "divorce," Vicky sends me money, then forces Caleb to post something lovey-dovey. Just then, the TV played an entertainment update. Serena, the rising starlet, was being interviewed about Caleb: "We are really close friends. We discuss scripts late into the night. As for anything else... we'll let nature take its course." My eyes lit up. Serena! The rumored girlfriend! My savior! If they get back together, Caleb won't have time to come home!
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