The day Luke Sterling hooked up with his assistant, I went online and posted a tweet: "Urgently seeking a new husband. Must be handsome, charming, clean-living, and a paragon of virtue. $15,000 monthly allowance, full benefits included. First come, first served." That night, it broke the internet. "A-list actor fights male models for health insurance!" "Famous screenwriter and top director brawl over pocket money!" ... A week later, Luke returned from his business trip abroad. I was at home playing poker with a few A-listers, lipstick marks all over my face from losing bets. His eyes were red-rimmed. "Vivian, don't you love me anymore?" I glanced at him and laughed recklessly. "Luke, it's not that I don't love you." "It's that the Vivian who loved you is dead." "She died while you were kissing your little assistant in the lounge, ignoring her call for help." Chapter 1 After getting sick, I retired from the entertainment industry. Aside from seeing my therapist, I rarely went out. Old friends gradually stopped contacting me, and I lost interest in everything. One day, I suddenly really wanted to see Luke. So, for the first time in ages, I went to his company. Standing at the door of Luke’s office, I saw a young girl lying on the sofa opposite his desk, looking pale. Luke handed her a cup of hot tea, then leaned over to cover her stomach with a blanket. "Since you feel so terrible, why don't I give you the day off to rest at home?" She took the cup, speaking righteously, "An assistant who leaves her boss to work all alone isn't a good assistant." Luke lifted his chin, gesturing toward the inner room. "Then go lie down in my lounge for a bit." The little assistant sipped the tea and joked, "No way, Senior. You're a married man now; I have to avoid suspicion." Luke chuckled, shaking his head helplessly. Then he looked up and saw me standing at the door. The smile at the corner of his mouth froze slightly. I was also a bit dazed. I was still thinking about the smile Luke just gave his assistant. I’ve been much slower since getting sick. Thinking back now, it seems like he hasn't smiled that easily in front of me for a long time since my illness began. But in an instant, he put on his usual expression and walked toward me. "Vivian, what are you doing here?" He tried to take my hand, but I instinctively pulled back slightly. Luke’s hand froze in mid-air. "Senior, is this a surprise inspection?" The little assistant, holding the cup of tea Luke gave her, stood next to him. She reached out to me with a beaming smile. "I'm Joy, also a graduate of Stanford. I don't know if you remember me, Senior?" Joy... Joy... I studied her face. A few seconds later, I remembered. This wasn't the first time I'd seen her. She was Luke's junior from the same major in college. Freshman year, she fell in love with Luke at first sight. She was enthusiastic and cheerful, like a little sun, doing things with vigor. She immediately launched a fierce pursuit. At that time, I had already entered the entertainment industry. Although Luke and I were passionately in love, I couldn't always be by his side. But he consciously avoided any interactions with the opposite sex that might affect our relationship. So he bluntly said he had a girlfriend and remained unmoved by her advances. Naturally, she didn't believe him. A girlfriend never seen is Schrödinger's girlfriend. She thought it was just Luke’s excuse to reject her. It wasn't until I finished filming and returned to school that she knew it was true. I remember she looked very lost back then, tears in her eyes. Looking at me pitifully, she asked, "Senior, can I still add his contact info? If love is gone, it's gone, but academics must go on!" Without waiting for my response, she turned to Luke and pleaded, "Senior, if I can't pursue you, give me a chance to be a normal classmate, okay? You're the top student in our major. If I encounter problems in my studies later, I'll need your helping hand!" She spoke as if she were very open and honest. But how did Luke answer back then? He said, "Sorry." "There is no need." "You can ask the professor directly about academic matters." I have to say, I was very happy at the time. Standing by my side, he gave me enough security. Now, so many years have passed. Joy is still that same character, like the sun, shining warmth on everyone. And I seem to have lost all joy in life, like a black hole, swallowing all the light around me. Chapter 2 Luke still gave Joy half a day off and let her go home to rest. All afternoon, I sat in Luke’s office waiting for him to get off work. He was in meetings. I stared blankly at the half-finished cup of tea Joy left on the coffee table. After work, I sat in Luke’s passenger seat. When he leaned over to help me fasten my seatbelt, I saw a small ornament on the dashboard. It was a cute, soft white rabbit. Not something a person with a cold personality like Luke would actively put in front of him. The rabbit ornament smiled softly at me. A heavy haze covered my heart. Staring blankly for a while, I suddenly spoke, "So Joy graduated." "Yeah." Luke responded, then explained, "She graduated last year. As soon as she graduated, she sent a resume to our company. We were short on staff, and I saw her potential, so I hired her." He seemed to be comforting me, but the more he said, the guiltier he sounded, so he shut up. And the sudden bit of spirit and interest I had today vanished completely. I didn't have the energy to ask further. I just leaned my head against the car window, watching the scenery fly by. Maybe, for a sick person like me. Even if today he said "there is no need" just like many years ago, giving me enough security, I wouldn't feel happy. Chapter 3 After seeing his smile in Luke’s office, I learned to pay more attention to him. He seemed to be constantly accommodating me. Maybe out of consideration for my illness. In the past, he would share funny stories from his startup days, finding joy in hardship; he would slack off to tell me he missed the coffee I made him and the chicken soup I stewed; he would patiently listen to me ramble about bizarre events in the entertainment industry. He would share his joys, sorrows, and longing with me. Now, he has almost no emotions toward me other than gentleness. It seems that unknowingly, I lost the desire to share, leaving only unhappiness. Then, I brought my black hole emotions to him. We still cuddle to sleep and eat breakfast face to face. Everything seems the same as before. But there is an indescribable barrier between us. Luke’s smile in front of Joy always flashes before my eyes. He hasn't been that relaxed in front of me for a long time. I made him unhappy. I want to change. In a few days, it will be our wedding anniversary. Maybe I can use a bouquet of flowers, a cake, or the coffee and chicken soup he used to miss to help me get out of this state, to help us tear open this barrier. So on our anniversary, I called him and said, "Luke, today I bought a bouquet of roses, a cake, made chicken soup, and brewed coffee." So, do you want to come back early for dinner? Luke probably didn't expect me to be so spirited suddenly. He was silent for a moment before replying, "I have urgent work overtime tonight, but I'll be home before midnight." "I prepared a gift for you. Wait for me, Vivian." "Okay, I'll wait for you." I hung up the phone and sat quietly alone in the dim candlelight. The bright roses, sweet cake, and rich chicken soup on the table couldn't make me feel the slightest bit of joy. Only endless darkness, as if it would swallow me whole the next second. Finally, I picked up the chicken soup and cake, holding the roses, and went out. Go to him. Go to him, and maybe I can escape the darkness, escape the silence, escape the powerlessness and suffocation. When I drove through the night to the underground parking garage of Luke’s company, I saw him rushing out of the elevator. Before I could get out of the car, he stepped on the gas and sped away. He was in a hurry. He abandoned the urgent work that required overtime. There was something more important. Going home? Going home to drink my chicken soup, eat cake with me, and celebrate our anniversary? Or... I drove after him. I thought, if he goes home, I can't let him wait too long. But within five minutes, I knew his direction wasn't the way home. The night grew darker, and the haze in my heart deepened. Subconsciously, I guessed the truth. But my heart struggled unwillingly. Maybe... maybe it's just because I think too much after getting sick. I stepped on the gas and followed behind him. Looking at the rear of Luke’s car, I had extreme impulses several times. Why not just crash into him directly and perish together? Then anything I fear happening won't have to happen. Passing a crossroads, the yellow light flickered. I didn't let up on the gas. A large truck was coming from the intersection on the right. If I ran the red light, maybe I could push Luke under the truck with me. Then die. Never having to face the possibly bloody reality again. Until a loud "HONK—" The ear-piercing long horn of the truck woke me up, and I slammed on the brakes. "Damn it! Do you have a death wish? Kill yourself if you want, don't drag others down!" The cursing of other drivers came from outside the window. I woke up. My heart beat violently. Lying on the steering wheel in a cold sweat, I couldn't help but smile bitterly. I really am sick. Even seeking death, I involuntarily want to use such a vicious method. The green light turned on. Suppressing all terrifying thoughts, I caught up with Luke ahead. Arriving at an apartment complex, he got out of the car quickly. Running past my car, he didn't notice me. He just rushed into a residential building while on the phone: "I'm almost there!" I sat in the car staring at that building for a while, then followed. The elevator in the building was broken. A yellow "Under Maintenance" warning sign surrounded the elevator entrance. But the voice-activated light at the stairwell entrance was on. Luke must have rushed into the emergency exit and climbed the stairs. I stood at the entrance, looking at the steps one by one under the dim light inside, looking like they could swallow me. But I still followed. One step, two steps... First floor, second floor... Listening to the sound of Luke running up the stairs, following the voice-activated lights he triggered, I climbed step by step, step by step to the thirteenth floor. The light on the fourteenth floor didn't turn on. Luke’s destination was the thirteenth floor. I climbed a few more steps and sat down at the corner between the thirteenth and fourteenth floors. Then, I heard a rush of footsteps. Luke’s voice was a bit panicked: "Hold on a bit, I'll take you to the hospital right away." I slowly poked my head out and saw Luke rushing out of the corridor holding the little assistant who was groaning in pain in his arms, running down the stairs. I could see he was very worried, very anxious. He was entirely focused on the pale and fragile little assistant in his arms. So, he didn't discover me. The voice-activated lights turned on one by one following Luke’s footsteps, then went out one by one. The surroundings fell into darkness, only the "EXIT" sign in the corner still emitting a faint green light. I sat there, letting myself be completely submerged by the darkness. It seems something changed long ago when I wasn't aware. In Luke’s heart, there was something more important than his company, more important than me. The phone alarm rang. It was midnight. "Happy anniversary, Vivian." I said to myself.
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