On New Year's Eve, I traveled three thousand miles back from a remote outpost, only to hear a girl at the station shouting my boyfriend's name into her phone. "Jax, I'm off the train! Where are you?" A female voice came from behind, carrying the specific coquettishness of someone in love. My steps paused, subconsciously looking back. "I know, I know, your unit is busy... But I'm here, you can't let me spend the holiday alone, right?" Her tone of acting spoiled sounded inexplicably familiar. Three years ago, I said the same words to Jackson Hayes. At that time he just transferred to Fort Bragg, and I was still in Walter Reed Medical School, every meeting required crossing half the country. I shook my head, secretly laughing at my sensitivity. World is so big, thousands of people called "Jax". But next second, her voice suddenly clear: "Captain Jackson Hayes, if you don't come out to pick me up, I'm going to hang a banner at your unit's gate!" Jackson Hayes. My boyfriend is also named Jackson Hayes, same rank. ... Ghost driven, I took out my phone, sent message to Jackson. [Jax, can you take leave tonight? I arrived in the city.] He didn't reply. Girl beside me took her friend to checkout counter, she shook her phone: "Look, only five minutes, asking where I am again." While laughing, she reached hand to family planning shelf, grabbed several boxes casually. Friend winked: "Playing so wild?" "Lyla, you and Jackson are very loving huh, so those complaints just now were showing off to me?" Girl frivolously said: "If I don't satisfy him well, leave him to other old women?" Other customers in convenience store looked sideways, someone snickered. Girl didn't care at all, twisted body walked out with friend. I finished checkout, followed behind them. December winter cold, this girl named Lyla wore a crop top inside coat, bare forearms exceptionally dazzling in cold wind. She looked only early twenties, face full of bright publicity. Completely different from me, always calm and introverted. Walked to roadside, Lyla's friend took a taxi left. She hummed song continued walking forward, every intersection, our direction consistent. Hearing song she hummed clear, my steps unconsciously slowed. That was song Jackson sang at unit gala, he said that was song only for me. Lyla picked up phone dialed: "Jax, I'm almost there, wait me at gate okay." That end don't know said what, she seemed angry yet happy: "I wear a lot, not cold at all, if not believe you check yourself." "You can put hand inside my coat, my top, and my..." I looked down at phone. No reply. Cold wind drilled into cuff, I shivered. Fingertip stopped on screen, I pressed call button. Mechanical female voice coldly replied: "The number you dialed cannot be connected for now." I understood. When he executes mission, phones are uniformly kept. Must be like this. "Jax!" Lyla suddenly trotted few steps forward, pounced into a man's arms. I slightly raised umbrella, looked forward. Just one glance, I was nailed dead on spot. Man wore civilian clothes, helplessly hugged Lyla tight, other hand rubbed her hair. "You ah." He has a face carved into my marrow. Seven years old, we grew up in officer's housing together, he stuffed his medal model to me: "Sarah, later my medals all give you." Fifteen years old, he awkwardly let me throw away love letters from other boys: "Those people not good as me." Nineteen years old, night before he enlisted, stood downstairs my house till dawn, said must wait him. Twenty-three years old, he selected into Special Forces, no news for three months mission at border, came back lost twenty pounds, first thing was find me at hospital. Last month, he stuffed savings card saved five years to me. "Sarah, wait my promotion this time down, we file marriage report." Full twenty-one years, childhood sweethearts, we like two poplars growing side by side. But this second. Everything turned to ash. Chapter 2 Rain fell on umbrella surface, tick tock. Until they embraced turned walked towards base side gate, I just recovered from numbness. Phone lit up. Is Jackson. [In training, phone just distributed. What's up?] Unexpected rainstorm, let my shoes water in. Wet cold touch spread from feet, my legs seemed filled with cement, stiff on spot unable move. I gathered army green coat, that was he gave me, same color as his training uniform. Shaking hand, dialed call again. Connected, but hung up. Jackson sent new message: [Leader beside, not convenient answer. Type if matter.] I bit lip, typed word by word. [In training, or accompanying other woman?] Just about send, brake sound rang behind. "Careful!" I no time react, brought down by an out of control bicycle. Sky spin earth turn, I fell sideways on wet slippery ground. Sharp wet cold spread along clothes, pain slow a beat climbed from knee to heart. Little soldier riding bike busy support me: "Comrade, are you okay?" I saw him wearing uniform, young face full panic, waved hand said: "Fine, you go." Phone screen smashed, question I wanted send, no follow up. Found a hostel nearby, I took a hot bath. Went downstairs bought new phone, inserted card. Jackson sent new message: [Night training tonight, no video call, chat tomorrow, be good.] I blinked dry eyes, sat on bed edge blankly. I really don't understand. Why? Why Jackson would cheat? And that girl, does she know she is third party? I opened social software. Although didn't know specific spelling of her name, I still found her in Jackson's following list. Her avatar photo, taken in Jackson's dorm. Military quilt behind, was tofu block I taught him fold. He hugged me then said: "Sarah folded quilt is standard, I have to offer it daily." Lyla is a travel blogger, fans not few. I scrolled down. Posts related to Jackson, earliest appeared in June. Lyla held man's arm, background is hiking trail near base. Caption: [First date with brother, so happy!] That trail, was place we would go walk every time I came see him. Clearly he promised: "Sarah, this road I only walk with you, so every step memory is you." July, Lyla and Jackson went seaside together. Exactly my birthday that day, Jackson said field training, post was accompanying Lyla "first diving". I cold all over. Jackson didn't show full face in any photo, but I recognized scar on his wrist, that was cut by glass blocking for me. Opened DM, I sent message to Lyla. [Hello, do you know Jackson has girlfriend? Did he lie to you he is single?] Less than half hour, Lyla posted new update. Dress in picture neckline opened very low, showing collarbone. [Tonight's battle robe, spoiled to someone, he super loves.] I clenched teeth, cold trembling. Just last month, I went base visit, Jackson gently pushed away my hug. He frowned: "Sarah, you have hospital disinfectant smell on body." Lyla replied DM. [Dr. Sarah, I know you.] [Feelings matter each rely ability, winner is king.] [But looking now, seems you lost ne.] Chapter 3 I sarcastically pulled mouth corner. Night before Jackson enlisted, he asked me to training ground behind housing. Under moonlight, he wore brand new uniform, saluted to me. "Comrade Sarah, I Jackson Hayes promise you, no matter walk where, you forever my rear." His eyes bright scary: "Sarah, wait I come back, we file marriage report." Long distance relationship few years, many people not optimistic about us, we didn't scatter. When he executed dangerous mission, I dare not ask dare not guess, could only watch news daily. From private to lieutenant, then to Special Forces Captain. He said: "Wait you finish further study from Medical University, can apply transfer to our base hospital." Just short few months. Happiness one kick away. But today, he let a strange girl sentence me lose. Lyla sent another DM. Is a secretly recorded video. Jackson wore civilian clothes, eyes blurred in bar. Lyla frivolously laughing: "Jax, what kind person is your girlfriend?" Bar music loud, but didn't cover his reply. "Don't mention her, same every day." "Boring very." He looked at lens, eyes my familiar gentleness: "Play something fresh today?" Lens shook, rang ambiguous kissing sound. Phone screen extinguished, reflecting my pale face. Rushed to toilet retched few times, I opened phone booked train ticket home. Packing luggage, right lower abdomen pain wave after wave, my forehead full sweat beads. Guessed maybe acute appendicitis, I directly took taxi to base general hospital. Flu high season, emergency crowded. I squatted outside clinic, pain couldn't stand. 3 AM, finally got ultrasound report. Doctor asked me: "Acute appendicitis, need surgery. Where your family?" Coincidentally, Jackson phone called this time. I hung up. He persistent call again. In quiet clinic, phone unique ringtone impossible ignore. I picked up, was his anxious to lost composure tone. "I have a friend ankle sprained, how emergency handle?" That end came Lyla low sobbing. Last trace warmth scattered, I cold voice said: "Handle however you want." "Sarah! You are military doctor, you listen yourself what you saying?!" Jackson roar came. I curled into a ball, exhausted suppress pain. Remembered he said: "My first aid knowledge all you taught, this life only use for you one person." Jackson still saying: "She pain cried, you quick tell me how handle." Eye sockets sour pain, I raised head, poured hot liquid back. Opposite military doctor took out surgery consent form: "Comrade, if family not come, you sign yourself also fine." Jackson silent few seconds. "You... in hospital?" Not wait me answer, he certain said: "Is night shift right?" "Since you not resting, then answer me difficult ma? You playing what small temper?!" Tears finally smashed down, I gently smiled. "You said right." "I just playing small temper." "Jackson Hayes, me and you, end here." Chapter 4 Phone was hung up by Jackson first. He sneered: "Not say then not say, not like must be you." Broken tone in receiver and rain drop sound outside window interweaved, made people causeless feel cold. I put down phone, apologetic smile to doctor. "Sorry, let you see joke." My voice hoarse: "My family can't come, sign myself fine." Open eyes again, I lay lonely in ward. Wound faintly aching. Phone added few messages. From hospital leader and parents. After reporting surgery situation to leader, I asked two more days leave. Only facing parents, I inevitably guilty. Mom tone very urgent: "Didn't say come back today?" "Happened what accident?" Adult collapse, is even heart dead like ash also maintain normal. Deep breath, I relaxed said: "Base general hospital has expert lecture, I just right stay learn two days." I explained again and again, Mom half believing hung up phone. Enduring pain sleep less than one hour. Jackson pushed open ward door. He put a bunch flowers aside, raised hand touch my face. "Sarah, how you last night..." His fingers have alcohol mixed floral perfume smell. Same perfume smell. I smelled on Lyla yesterday. I turned head, avoided. He lowered eyes, withdrew hand. "I didn't know you came see me. Today couldn't contact you, asked your hospital then knew you here." He looked at back of my head, tone helpless. "Must you be like this?" He took out a medal box, stuffed into my hand. "Make up your New Year gift, don't angry, hmm?" My palm a piece ice cold. Just five minutes before I entered operating room, Lyla posted update. Her side piled full gifts. She opened one by one, luxury bag, new phone, couple vacation package... Only this custom medal, she dissatisfied muttered: "This has what good looking, I want real one." Person filming laughed dotingly: "Fine, you don't fancy I take give comrade okay right?" I extended hand out bed edge, let medal box fall ground. Throat dry. "Jackson, let's break up." "Break up?" He unbelievable shook head. Light sneer: "Marriage report I submitted, you break up with me now?" "Sarah, you not child anymore, don't be so unreasonable." While speaking, phone in his pocket always vibrating. He took out, lowered head reply. Ward too quiet, let me one glance see clear gentleness and patience between his brows. I repeat: "Break up, withdraw report." His face completely sank. "Don't joke, this not funny at all." I supported body sit up, gave flowers on cabinet to him. "Flowers also take away." Maybe bought temporarily at hospital gate, inside even clamped two tulips I allergic to. Jackson stood unmoving, bottom eyes had impatience. I carefully looked him once. Face once printed on heart tip, how became different? "Stop fussing." His voice ice cold. I light pulled lip corner: "Jackson, I saw Lyla." "Not break up, let her be mistress whole life?" He froze. Chapter 5 Unsteady flower bunch fell ground, all dirty. "What Lyla?" Jackson stared tight at me, epaulets reflected cold hard light under ward lamp. "Who talked nonsense to you?" "Sarah, we together so many years, you have no trust in me at all?" I didn't speak. Eye rims uncontrolled red. How could I not trust him? That person who set military insurance card password as my birthday, every time before mission wrote "will" give me keep, said "If I can't come back, you live well". That person who during border mission, took advantage short communication time only said "Sarah, I hear your breathing sound then solid". How unknowingly walked apart? I how hope all this is fake. But position stabbed through deep in heart, reminds me must keep sober. He shared his medal to someone else half. So never can piece together complete loyalty. I took out phone, opened DM chat record with Lyla. "Jackson, don't lie me anymore." "You know, soldier most value discipline, feelings also." He stared phone screen. Like nailed on spot, whole body stiff. That training uniform often worn, this moment lined him exceptionally embarrassed. I pretended relaxed: "Just like this." "My family side I will explain, unit side... you fight report explain yourself." "Things you gave before I will organize return you, I gave then all don't want." I turned head: "Seems also nothing much." Once thought inseparable love, turns out really arrived cutting day, also just so. Twenty-one years side by side, turns out also just so. No wonder, he can say betrayal then betrayal. "I..." Jackson looked up at me, eyes full bloodshot, before I would heartache, now only feel ironic. He muttered: "I not... I didn't want break up." "I just..." I interrupted him: "Don't explain to me." "Jackson, don't explain those details you violated discipline, I am military doctor, also soldier, I understand regulations." About Lyla various things. All too disgusting. Those details like bullets, repeatedly fired in my mind. Beat once trust and vow into thousand holes, still remind me: Person you loved, unworthy this uniform. "Is me violated discipline." "Sarah, but I didn't really want how with her. Just... just pressure too big, moment confused." Jackson voice hoarse bad: "This matter indeed me didn't hold, is me shouldn't." "But we together so long." "Sarah, you think, you really bear just don't want me?" I closed eyes, swallowed blood taste in mouth. "Jackson, don't apologize, don't make me victim." A apology, can't make up my loss. Instead, make me look more like a betrayed fool. I don't care his heart journey, don't want hear his quibble and true fake unknown repentance. I want, is clean crisp cut off. "Sarah! I committed mistake, but did I kill or arson?" "I committed what monstrous crime, let you even look me once unwilling?!" Jackson suddenly excited, tightly grabbed my shoulder. Those hands, once ground blood blisters on training ground, once carried wounded in disaster relief, this moment make me sick. "I later won't like this okay? I immediately clear with Lyla, later never see her okay?" "You look me, I loved you so many years, how can you be so cruel?!" His hand unconsciously trembling. "You can't just judge me out, I just wandered mind, not not love you anymore." He used face stick me, want call back those intimate memories once. But I smelled that perfume again. Turned head, I couldn't help retched twice. He unbelievable red eye rims, voice trembling: "Sarah, you can't treat me like this." Didn't get my response, he raised volume. "I just committed a mistake, why you just refuse loose mouth?!" "So many people commit mistakes, could it be you have no moment wander mind?" "Who lived used to unchanging life, all want try other, I just..." "I didn't." Tears finally couldn't hold, fell from my eyes. "Jackson Hayes, I didn't." In blurred tears, I can't see his face clear. Once I thought stable military love, turns out is "unchanging" he tired of. "I don't want anymore, you go!" Finally couldn't help collapse, I sternly scolded: "You roll! Don't come disgust me! Don't stain this uniform!" Those beautiful memories, I don't want. Future he promised, I don't want. Past and tomorrow related to him, I all don't want.
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