At the ten-year high school reunion. My deskmate suddenly asked me: "Do you still hate Lucas for suddenly changing his college choice and leaving you alone in Boston?" I smiled and swirled the wine in my glass: "I stopped hating him long ago. If I hadn't gone to Boston alone, I wouldn't have abandoned my love-struck brain to focus on my studies and successfully get my Master's." I casually revealed the ring on my finger: "I'm getting married next month. Everyone is welcome to come. Honestly, I have to thank him." As soon as these words came out, the private room fell silent. Everyone looked at the man who crushed the wine glass in his hand. His eyes were terrifyingly red, staring dead at me, blood mixed with wine dripping down. I was surprised by his breakdown. After all, two hours before the commitment deadline back then, Just because of one sentence from the Prom Queen, he suddenly changed his choice from MIT Architecture to UCLA. The class group chat exploded instantly: "What about his little tail, Clara? You two swore to be the MIT twin stars since middle school!" Lucas seemed to just remember this, his reply carrying a careless smile: "She has my account password, she definitely saw I changed it immediately. She'll change hers too. For so many years, when has she ever truly left me?" "Lucas you're the man! As expected of you!" "Clara is your human accessory. She carried your shoes and water for every game in high school, how could she bear to separate?" I didn't listen any further. I turned around, stuffed the sneakers I just retrieved for Lucas into his locker. And left the gym silently. That day, I didn't log into the account carved in my brain again. Nor did I follow him to change my choice from MIT to UCLA. He probably didn't know. He could go to LA for Jessica's insecurity, and I also had a distance I must reach. That dream that supported me through countless nights of drawing. Was never just for him. Chapter 1 Getting into MIT Architecture together was an oath we made while munching on Cheetos on the old playground in eighth grade. A week before the application deadline, our parents even sat together, carefully circling the admission plans. Now, he changed it lightly. Too lazy to even say hello. In the class group chat, Dave was still asking: "Lucas, are you sure Clara will log into your account to check again? What if she didn't notice at all?" Lucas scoffed, with a habitual certainty: "More than just checking? Don't I know her?" "She checks ten times a day, cares more about mine than her own, afraid of any mistake that would separate us." His tone revealed a bit of helplessness. "You guys won't understand, I've had this little tail since I was a kid, used to it." Then, a burst of knowing laughter came from the group. At this moment, I sent a message using my alt account: "Lucas, isn't this a bit unfair? At least tell Clara." Lucas sounded a bit annoyed: "Forgot, and too lazy to explain." "If she knows I changed it for Jessica, she'll ask endlessly again." "Besides, I didn't change it blindly. With Jessica's mom's situation, she's panicked going to LA alone. With an acquaintance looking after her, she'll feel safer." The group was quiet for a moment. "True... given Jessica's conditions and family situation, it is worrying." "Unlike your Clara, a nerd who only knows how to draw blueprints. Standing next to the Prom Queen, she does lack something." "Tsk, giving up the dream MIT Architecture for this, Lucas is loyal!" ... Looking at the conversation in the group. I clenched my fists, nails digging into my palms, but felt no pain. A chill rushed up from the soles of my feet, freezing my limbs stiff. I really wanted to rush in and ask Lucas clearly. But my feet seemed nailed to the floor. In the end, I just turned silently and walked out of the gym gate. Chapter 2 Locked myself in the room. Those words echoed repeatedly in my mind. Still couldn't figure it out. How could he give up the MIT Architecture he longed for? We stayed up late together for so many years, models we made filling half the study. Just an hour ago, I was still foolishly excited about the side-by-side future. But I never expected. It turned out the dual blueprint I tried my best to construct. He would tear it up casually just for someone else's panic. Even if he wanted to change, why was it too troublesome to even tell me? Is he so afraid of my entanglement? Since he's afraid of entanglement, what about the kiss with tentative breaths in the cool night breeze on the rooftop on my seventeenth birthday? Was it just a joke he started on a whim, but I took it seriously? Something in my heart shattered with a click. Actually, I didn't have to stick to him. From elementary to high school, I went to the same school and same class as Lucas. Everyone, including Lucas himself, thought I would follow him forever, like a shadow that never disappears. But no one knew, besides wanting to be with him, I chose MIT Architecture for another unshakable reason. Unrelated to Lucas. Even without him, I would go. I closed the browser I opened unconsciously. Didn't look at the familiar application page again. And there was not a single thought of changing my choice for him. He can rush thousands of miles for Jessica, and I also have a distance I must reach. Since we have different directions, those entangled pasts need not be asked. Thinking it through, the boulder on my chest loosened. No big deal. As my mom often says, one has to pave one's own way. As for that kiss... Just treat it as being bitten by a stray dog. The phone buzzed, Lucas's name jumping on the screen. My brain resisted, but my finger habitually swiped to answer. "Clara the Nerd, what's taking so long?" "Everyone is here, just waiting for you to start the feast! Hurry up, sent you the location of our usual spot." It was the farewell dinner after graduation, Lucas's group took turns hosting, today was his turn. But I didn't want to go anymore. "Not going, you guys eat." Before I finished, a deliberately softened female voice came from the receiver. "Lucas, Clara won't come, is it because she doesn't welcome me joining your small circle?" It was Jessica. Before Lucas could speak, Dave's loud voice snatched the lead: "No way, Queen! We are honored to have you!" "Clara is just a bit stubborn, gets awkward whenever a girl gets close to Lucas, get used to it." The video screen shook, Jessica's delicate side profile appeared on the edge of Lucas's lens, very close. She whispered considerately: "Lucas, maybe I should leave first? Don't want to make you guys unhappy because of me." Lucas's face darkened immediately, reaching out to press her shoulder: "Jessica, you don't need to leave." "Clara doesn't know what crazy fit she's throwing today, let her be." "Not waiting, let's eat." He threw me a cold sentence and cut the video directly. A nameless fire rushed straight to the top of my head. I dragged all of Lucas's contact information into the blacklist. Since childhood, this was the first time I blocked him. Again, for Jessica. Chapter 3 Since Jessica transferred here in sophomore year. I've lost count of how many times Lucas broke rules for her. Maybe boys all like that type, cold, beautiful. In the days I wore faded T-shirts burying my head in drawings, Jessica always seemed dust-free, wearing simple dresses like a fairy. For her, Lucas and I argued, had cold wars. I even thought he fell in love with Jessica and alienated him disheartenedly a few times. But every time, Lucas would find me, frowning and promising: "What are you thinking? I'm just ordinary friends with Jessica, nothing else, don't drill into a dead end." "Just helping her out seeing it's not easy for her, her family situation... you know, glamorous on the surface, how much gossip behind the back." I believed Lucas. Jessica's mother was seriously ill, father ran away with money, leaving the mother and daughter struggling, indeed not easy. So, I didn't care too much about the getting closer distance between Jessica and Lucas. After all, growing up, Lucas never lied to me. He said no, I believed. But later, in places I couldn't see, Lucas had more and more interactions with her that I didn't know. Until now. Even college decisions could be changed at will for Jessica. Making my trust look like a joke even more. WeChat notification interrupted chaotic thoughts. [Clara, you grew skills huh? Blocking me? Wait for me when I get home.] It was Lucas using Dave's account. I expressionlessly blocked Dave too. Checked the time, grabbed my bag and went to school. Last day of application, homeroom teacher called the last class meeting. Traffic jam on the way, when I arrived at the classroom, Lucas and Jessica were already there. My usual seat next to him was occupied by Jessica. Seeing me, she had no intention of getting up, a trace of imperceptible smugness in her eyes. Lucas glanced at me, quickly turned his head, handsome face tense, obviously waiting for me to soften first. But I won't anymore. Just right, I don't want to be next to him either. Looking around, I walked straight to the empty seat next to my buddy Zach in the back row. Far away from them. "Students, last few hours for application, must check carefully, decide cautiously!" The teacher left hurriedly after instructing. Zach was complaining to me about the bad ending of a new drama he chased, when someone tapped my head lightly. "Clara, come out." It was Lucas. I turned, meeting his slightly angry eyes. Moved my gaze away, ignored him. Continued listening to Zach's complaints. Lucas grabbed my shoulder, forcing me to face him. "Clara, how long are you going to make a scene?" "Tired or not? We're adults, still playing this cold war game, childish much?" I was forced to look at him, tone flat: "It is quite childish and boring, so don't come to me anymore." Eyes confronted for a moment, Lucas lost patience first. "Fine, too lazy to argue with a stubborn donkey like you." "Act if you want, don't cry under the blanket later." He said with habitual mockery. I kept a cold face and didn't respond. After a moment of silence, I thought he left. Shoulder was pressed hard by Lucas again. He looked straight at me, tone rarely serious: "Today is the last day, your application... check it again properly, don't make mistakes!" He paused, wanted to say something more, Jessica walked over holding a laptop. "Lucas, there seems to be a small problem with my application system, can you help me look?" Lucas nodded, habitually trying to ruffle my hair like countless times in the past before leaving. I turned my head to avoid. His hand paused in mid-air, finally leaving only a sentence: "Remember to go to the computer room to check, don't be careless." Chapter 4 My heart was ice cold. He probably thought, as long as he reminded me, I would definitely check, find he changed, and definitely panic to fill in LA with him, right? True, telling me directly he changed his choice, he'd have to struggle to explain the reason to me, a trouble, how tiring. Luckily, I won't turn back anymore. Glancing at Lucas who was focusing on checking the screen for Jessica, Zach and I left the classroom. Just out of the school gate wanting to hail a taxi, Zach saw my bad face, dragged me to his cousin's birthday party. Couldn't refuse, had to follow. After dinner, dragged to a newly opened arcade club. Arrived to find Lucas's group was also here tonight. Many acquaintances, two groups soon merged into a large private room. When Lucas saw me, his eyes flickered, didn't speak, didn't say hello. I treated him as transparent too. On the way to the restroom, heard Lucas and Dave's voices around the corner. Dave advised him: "Better make it clear to Clara? She's going to Boston so far alone, unfamiliar place..." Lucas's voice revealed certainty: "Relax, I emphasized so many times." "She definitely changed it. Making a scene now, probably angry I didn't discuss with her in advance." I stopped. Two people turned the corner, bumping into me. Lucas signaled Dave to go first with his eyes, blocking me against the corridor wall backhand. "Clara, let's talk." He smelled faintly of beer. I turned sideways to bypass. Moved a step and was pulled back by him, hands pressing my shoulders. Tipsy breath hit my face. I turned my head away subconsciously. Stalemate for a few seconds, Lucas scoffed first: "Still angry? Wanted to call you to the club this afternoon, blocked by you." "Got angry at you in the classroom again, forgot to say." "Alright, stop being angry. Don't know where you get so much anger." "By the way, checked the application, right?" He looked down at me, tone softened a bit. I lowered my eyes, silent. In the stalemate, Jessica's sweet voice sounded behind. "Lucas, Dave and the guys are looking for you to play Dance Revolution." "Sorry... interrupting you?" Sometimes I really suspect Jessica has a radar. Whenever Lucas talks to me alone, she always appears just right. I didn't want to entangle, pushed his hand away while he looked back. Passing Jessica, wrist was grabbed by her.
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