I planned to force my stepbrother into submission. I wanted to drug him. But before I could even act, he found my stash. He exploded: "Who did you plan to use this on? You're just a kid, why are you so messed up?!" Later, when he found out the drugs were meant for him, he didn't beat me up. Instead, he lay back and smirked. "You don't need that stuff." "Come here, baby. Didn't you want to cook the rice? Let big brother teach you how. Whatever you want to do... just be direct." 1 "Let me confirm this one more time. You said you're going to do what to your brother?" Jayden stared at me, eyes wide, asking again in disbelief. I chugged some water, repeating without changing my expression: "I said, I'm going to drug my brother, rip his clothes off, pin him to the bed, bite his tongue, and then rid—" "Stop, stop, stop!" Jayden looked like he was suffocating. He pinched my mouth shut, glancing around the basketball court like a thief. He lowered his voice and cursed, "Gross. Too gross. Eli, you're a beast. He's your brother. Even if not by blood, he's still your brother." I didn't like hearing that. I retorted unhappily, "So what?" I just like my brother, what's wrong with that? Even if liking my brother is shocking, immoral, and unforgivable, is it entirely my fault? Is my brother innocent? If Caleb Vance wasn't my brother, I'd just be a normal guy who likes men. How would I become a beast who dares to go after his own brother? The root cause is that he became my brother first, leading to the result of me being a beast. He has to take primary responsibility. Jayden paced anxiously. "Your brother controls you so strictly. Where did you get the drugs?" I said matter-of-factly, "You gave them to me." "When did I..." He realized and raged, "Eli Xu! You're immoral enough to drag me into this?" I stared at him silently. Jayden compromised in despair. "Fuck, I really owe you. Let me think of a way. If you get caught, don't rat me out." Then he silently took out his phone and started searching "Should I report my bro going down the wrong path" and "General punishment for aiding and abetting." 2 When I got home, Caleb was cooking in the kitchen. Hearing the noise, he glanced back at me. His gaze fell on my sweat-soaked jersey first, and he spoke with dissatisfaction: "How many times have I said it? Put on a jacket after playing ball. Sweaty all over, it's easy to catch a cold in the wind. Eli, do you want to drink bitter medicine again?" I leaned against the doorframe, my gaze licking over his back inch by inch. Broad shoulders, narrow waist, perky butt. The pink apron strings were tied in a neat bow behind him, swaying gently. Like a carefully wrapped gift waiting for me to unwrap. I swallowed. My heart itched, my hands itched. I was going crazy with craving. I told you my brother isn't innocent at all. He probably doesn't know that every move he makes sets off a stormy sea in my heart. Waiting for no response, thinking I was being stubborn again, Caleb shook his head helplessly. He turned around with a small plate of freshly fried crispy pork and fed me a piece. The smile at the corner of his mouth was indulgent. "Hungry? Go wash your hands, dinner soon." I leaned in, taking a piece from his hand with my mouth, the tip of my tongue "accidentally" brushing his finger. Chewing the crispy pork, I mumbled vaguely, "Mhm, dying of craving." I didn't want to go to this step, really. I also wanted to take the pure love route. But my brother is stubborn and impervious to soft or hard tactics. 3 On my eighteenth birthday, I spoke wild words. "Bro, I like men. I want to spend my life with a man." My brother is an old-fashioned guy. He once told me personally that every node in his life must be walked accurately, and he would never let himself fall into the mud. So my brother always took feelings lightly. Family and love couldn't tie him down. As I grew up, he became more mature. Few people came and went, and only I was important enough to talk about. Restraining me, disciplining me, and planning every step of my future. In my imagination, first tell my brother I like men, then tell him the man I like is him. Proceeding in this order, I wouldn't anger him to death as soon as I opened my mouth. I didn't get my brother's eighteenth birthday, but my brother didn't miss mine. Just as I thought, Caleb's face was iron green. He asked, "How old is he? Where is he from? Do I know him? When did you meet?" I answered cautiously, "Twenty-five..." I didn't continue because my brother laughed when he heard twenty-five. He gently patted my head. "Shut up. Say another word and I'll break your legs." He acted like nothing happened, thoughtfully waiting until twelve o'clock, when my birthday was over. Then he went crazy, grabbing my ear and asking: "Eli Xu! Where did you meet this old man?! How old is he and how old are you? You don't know better, but at twenty-five, shouldn't he? Go stand in the corner and reflect. I'll pretend I never heard your nonsense." I refused to submit. "Caleb Vance, my mind is very clear!" I just like you. I want to kiss you, bite you, hug you, fuck you. I didn't dare say this because my brother looked like he was about to faint from anger. On the first day of being eighteen, I was pinned down by my brother, pants off, rewarded with a belt whipping. The four words "I like you" were thoroughly whipped back into my stomach. But he still couldn't be cruel. He didn't really hit hard. Because I didn't feel pain, only tickles, and my whole body went numb. From childhood to adulthood, he always had so much reluctance, so much indulgence, which is why my guts grew to this size today. All in all, blame him. I stood facing the wall with tears in my eyes for an hour, still not relenting. My brother couldn't do anything with me. Sighing with a cigarette in his mouth, he scolded grumpily, "Little bastard, how many people have you met to talk about liking or not?" After a moment of silence, he lowered his voice. "Either forget him, or bring him here for me to see. See if I beat him to death or not." I tentatively asked him, "Bro, I like a twenty-five-year-old man. How do you feel?" Caleb gritted his teeth. "How do I feel? I feel fucking disgusted! I want to hit someone!" Disgusted? All the courage I had accumulated was punctured by these two words. Can I bear the consequences of recklessness? What if... what if my relationship with my brother shatters into pieces because of my liking, unable to be put back together? What should I do? How will my brother see me? A younger brother with dirty thoughts about him. Just imagining the look of disgust that might appear in his eyes makes it hard for me to breathe. Seeing me suddenly silent, Caleb probably thought his words were too heavy and scared me. His tone softened, reasoning with me: "Eli, you're still young. That man is seven years older than you. What good intentions can he have approaching you? He just sees you're young and easy to cheat. You can think I'm feudal or annoying, but I will absolutely not agree to you being with him." Later, my brother locked me up. For the whole summer vacation, he strictly screened everyone around me, even suspecting if I met a pervert online. Only after confirming there were no ambiguous old men around me did he graciously let me go out. 4 My brother said I don't understand what love is. I do. When I was five, I was led into the Vance family by my unreliable mother. Strange environment, strange people, I cried my heart out. Then, twelve-year-old Caleb squatted in front of me. He took out a handkerchief, wiped away my tears bit by bit, and gently straightened the crooked little bow tie on my neck. He wrapped my hand in his palm and coaxed patiently, "I'm your brother. Brother is here. Little treasure, stop crying, okay?" When I grew older, his lecherous dad and my money-grubbing mom were lovey-dovey, wandering all over the place, unseen all year round. I've met many people, but the only word that fills my entire world is "Brother." What is love? In elementary school, the essay topic was "The Person I Love Most." I wrote three full pages about how good my brother is—Brother cooks for me, teaches me homework, protects me, puts me to sleep. I love Brother the most in the world. Caleb read it and laughed immediately, picked me up and kissed me hard twice, saying, "Brother loves you too. Our Eli is so good, worth spoiling." I became increasingly dissatisfied. I'm not satisfied with him just being a brother. I'm not satisfied that his slender fingers are only used to peel shrimp and straighten my collar. I'm not satisfied that his deep voice only says "Eli, behave." I'm not satisfied that his broad embrace is only open temporarily when I'm sick or have a nightmare. I'm even more unsatisfied that one day he will give this unique kindness, untouched, to another person. I want him to lose control. I want his eyes, hands, arms, and heart to only hold me. Love is being unsatisfied again and again. 5 I was still unsatisfied, so I didn't give up. On the surface, I acted good, but behind the scenes, I looked for a permanent solution. When I got the drugs Jayden secretly stuffed for me, my hands were shaking. A little scared, but mostly excited. I planned it well: Friday night, my brother usually drinks some red wine to relax. I'll drug it beforehand, wait for him to react, then pretend to accidentally get close. Unknowingly cook the raw rice. The next day I'll cry holding his neck, saying my innocence is gone and I can only be his person for the rest of my life, and I won't have the face to live if I'm not with him. With my brother's personality of overflowing responsibility, even if he doesn't like me, he will definitely take responsibility. I know I'm a despicable villain, but Uncle Vance and my mom have already started introducing marriage partners to my brother. I can't sit still. Returning home after class, my heart surged. As soon as I pushed the door open, I smelled a low pressure like a coming storm. My brother sat on the living room sofa, back straight. On the coffee table in front of him sat the small medicine bottle I hid in my pillow. My heart stopped instantly. I calculated everything, but didn't calculate that my brother would find that bottle of medicine in advance. My brother looked up at me, expressionless. But I knew he was furious. "Eli Xu, get over here." I moved over slowly, my brain frantically flashing "It's over," "I'm dead," "Is it too late to run." "What is this?" He shook the bottle. My legs were a bit weak, wanting to muddle through: "Mela... Melatonin. I've been having insomnia recently." He laughed angrily: "Do you take your brother for a fool?!" Caleb stood up, his tall shadow looming over me, full of oppression: "Eli, kneel!" I shivered and knelt down quickly. "Where did you get it? Who did you want to use it on? You've got some nerve!" "Who taught you? You're so young, yet so messed up!" "A brat engaging in this mess. Did you meet some shady people outside? Speak!" The more he spoke, the angrier he got, his chest heaving. That look was like the cabbage he raised carefully for over ten years not only wanted to dig a pit and jump into the pigsty himself but also prepared to drug the pig for fun.
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