My dad was the "tough love" disciplinarian; my mom was the "sacrificing" nurturer. They were obsessed with my upbringing, strictly adhering to their roles. If I made a mistake, Dad would pull out his belt. "Spare the rod, spoil the child." "I'm doing this for you. You'll thank me later!" When my grades slipped, Mom would weep. "I suffered so much just for you, and this score is how you repay me?" The day I was diagnosed with depression. Dad and Mom had a huge fight. Dad pointed at Mom's nose, screaming that her softness ruined me. Mom screamed back that it was his harshness that failed me. Neither thought they were wrong. From that day on, they doubled down on their "methods." On the day my SAT scores came out, I heard them agree for the first time. "We fed her, clothed her all these years! If not for her, my life wouldn't be this hard! And look at her! She can't compare to anyone else's kid!" "We hoped she'd take care of us in old age, but we got stuck with this useless daughter. Always threatening to die... we should just let her die and be done with it!" I stopped in my tracks. That night, looking at the belt hanging from the ceiling, I smiled. 1 Suffocation hit me like a wall. The belt cut into my flesh, but the intense pain brought a sliver of relief. Growing up. Every time I encountered Dad's belt, it was because I made a mistake. Shoes not placed correctly? Twenty lashes. Didn't eat vegetables before meat? Fifty lashes. Even wearing colors that weren't "bright enough" earned me a practiced whipping. And now. I was using this belt, worn rough by my own skin over the years, to end myself. Mom and Dad's words echoed in my head. To raise me "right," Dad rejected high-paying travel jobs to stay in this small town. Mom gave up her dream of being a musician to watch over me every day. I was a burden. If I died, they would never fight about me again. My chest felt like it was going to explode. But on my purple face, there was a trace of a smile. For years, I had tried to end my life many times. My wrists were covered in dense scars. Every time Dad saw them, he would rush me to the hospital on his back, sometimes forgetting his shoes. Mom would slap me in anger, then hug me tightly the next second. She would say: "Mom begs you! Please live!" "What depression!? Mom doesn't understand, but Mom knows if you keep this up, you'll drive me to death!" "Mom sacrificed so much for you, isn't that worth living for?!" Every time I remembered Mom's words and the warmth of Dad's back. I would drop the knife. Yes. My life belonged to them. If they didn't let me die, I couldn't die. But today, they didn't argue. For the first time, they agreed. They wanted to let me die. They consented. I kicked the chair away. Intense suffocation swallowed me instantly. My body turned cold, the chill seeping into my bones. I wanted to say sorry to Mom and Dad one last time. Trembling, I raised my phone and dialed. The call connected instantly. I heard Mom chatting with relatives. "Oh, you're so lucky, your daughter has such good grades. Unlike my mud-wall useless kid, she can't compare to her cousin at all!" "I sacrificed so much for her! Why is she so insensible?" A sourness rose in my heart. I squeezed a tiny sound from my throat. "Mom... Mom... so... rry." But the voice was too small. Mom couldn't hear. The busy tone beeped. My consciousness blurred. It's better to die. Mom won't have to sacrifice for me anymore. Dad won't fight with Mom anymore. 2 When I opened my eyes again, I was floating in the living room. Mom was holding my cousin Chloe's hand on the sofa. "Heard your score is enough for Ivy League? Wow, amazing." Dad looked at Chloe with a smile too. "Chloe is great. Good grades, cheerful personality." "Unlike my useless trash. Not only is she good for nothing, she only knows how to make me angry!" Mentioning me, Dad's face darkened instantly. Chloe's smile deepened. "Are Lily's scores out? She works so hard, maybe she can get into a state college." Aunt Karen, Chloe's mom, cracked sunflower seeds and smiled. "Yeah, community college is fine too." Mom's smile vanished. "Don't mention it!" "Yesterday she pretended to be sick to avoid copying the textbook. Her dad disciplined her a bit, and she hasn't come out of her room all day!" "Always throwing tantrums! No need to check her score! With her attitude, she probably can't even get into community college!" "Dad and I put so much effort into her! Why can't she compare to you even a little bit!" I tried to explain to Mom. It wasn't like that. I wasn't pretending. I had a fever of 104 degrees. I just wanted ten minutes of rest. But Mom couldn't hear me. She kept praising Chloe, lamenting constantly: If only Chloe were my daughter. At lunch, I still didn't appear. Dad slammed his chopsticks on the table. "That damn girl! Is she done yet!" He was about to grab his belt and rush into my room, but Mom stopped him. She signaled with her eyes: Relatives are here. Dad held back, but his chest heaved violently. "Throwing a tantrum, huh? Fine. No food for her. Starve her for a few days!" He took a key, locked my door from the outside, and wrapped a belt around the handle a few times. "Since she won't listen! Let her reflect in there!" Chloe put some food in Dad's bowl. "Uncle David, don't be mad. Lily is just young and insensible." "It's my fault too. I should have watched her more at school." "Or she wouldn't be hanging out with those sketchy boys." Dad's face went dark. "What did you say!?" Next second, Chloe covered her mouth. "Oops, I misspoke again!" Mom sounded annoyed and urgent. "Not your fault! Chloe, speak clearly. What did that damn girl do at school?" Chloe and Aunt Karen exchanged a look. Aunt Karen smiled. "Tell them. If you don't, your Aunt Sarah will misunderstand Lily!" Chloe put down her chopsticks and cleared her throat. "After I say this, Aunt Sarah, please don't be mad at Lily." "It's nothing really, just... people at school say they saw Lily going into alleys with lots of boys." "They say when she came out... her clothes were disheveled." "I suspect... her grades dropping might be related to this." Bang! Dad flipped the table, nose crooked with rage. "Shameless!" He stormed to my door and kicked it. Boom! "I paid for your school to make you successful! Not to be a slut!" "Great! You're shaming us at school too!" I shook my head frantically. No. Not like that. I didn't. Freshman year was the first year of my depression. I was afraid of contact, hiding in corners every day. Until the first midterm. I got first place. Chloe was second. Rumors spread that I cheated. I wanted to explain. But Chloe pointed at me in front of the whole school. "This is my cousin, she has depression! Don't talk nonsense! She might kill herself!" Whispers swallowed me. "Depression? Is she faking it?" "Good grades and depression?" That day, the teacher called parents. Dad arrived and immediately pulled out his belt. Snap! The belt whipped my face, drawing blood. "Not learning well at a young age! Cheating now? Is that how I taught you!" My heart turned sour, my whole body shaking. "I didn't..." Before I finished, another whip landed. "Didn't what! Would your cousin lie like you!" Since that day, the school bullies targeted me. They dragged me into alleys. Tore up my test papers, forced me to show them my self-harm scars. I told Mom. Mom said flies don't bite seamless eggs. I attracted attention because I wasn't modest. Later, rumors spread. Dad got tired of yelling. Mom supported him. "Alright, Chloe is here!" "Besides..." I looked at Mom hopefully. Was she willing to believe me? I really didn't. I listened, didn't wear tank tops, wore jackets even in summer. I wasn't immodest. But Mom's next words froze my blood. "She's afraid of the dark, right? Cut the power to her room. Lock her up for a few days, she'll learn." Dad cut the power decisively. "This is for Chloe's sake! Or I'd beat her to death today!" Chloe smiled and comforted Dad. "Uncle David, it's my fault. I shouldn't have mentioned it!" Dad snorted. "Why blame you! It's her problem! If you didn't say it, others would! I'm educating her!" "I was planning to take her to the aquarium for getting good grades." "Now it seems! She doesn't deserve it! Let's go, Uncle will take you!" Aunt Karen grinned ear to ear. "Quick, Chloe, thank your Uncle." Chloe's eyes lit up, thanking Dad sweetly. Until the door closed. I stood alone in the pitch-black room, just like when I was little. Painful memories flooded back. 3 At twelve, I got into the best middle school with top scores. Mom smiled ear to ear when she got the call. Even Dad patted my shoulder when he came home. "Okay. Good job this time." "Didn't waste the effort your mom and I put in." Looking at them, I gathered courage for the first time. "Dad, Mom, can you celebrate my birthday with me?" Mom paused, spatula in hand. "Birthday? Sure, it's coming up, right?" Dad frowned. "Only know how to play. Better to do another set of practice questions." "Fine, I promise. We'll find time in a few days." My heart clenched. I whispered. "Today is my birthday..." Growing up, I never had a birthday. Classmates talked about their birthdays. Mom would cook special noodles, Dad would bring gifts. Blowing candles, making wishes. I only saw that in dreams. I looked up expectantly. Mom froze. "Today... oh, my memory. Forgot." "No cake, Mom will make you longevity noodles, okay?" I said okay, flattered. I looked at Dad cautiously. Dad said nothing, went to his room, came out with a small box. He patted my head, handing it to me. "Gift from Dad." When I saw the fountain pen inside, I couldn't help feeling a secret joy. My classmates were right. Birthdays are so happy. That day, though there was no cake, I made a wish. I wished Mom and Dad could celebrate my birthday every year. But later, I never had that chance again. First mock exam, I ranked second in the school. The teacher smiled, inviting parents to share "educational experience." But Dad arrived and pulled out his belt. Snap! The belt lashed me. The teacher gasped. "Lily's dad! What are you doing!" Dad's face was dark. "School just started! Dropped to second place!" "Are you worthy of what your mom and I did for you!" I wanted to explain, Dad didn't listen. That day, I was dragged out of school. Home, Mom looked at me with disappointment. I didn't want to disappoint them. I studied day and night. Up at 3 AM, still doing papers at 11 PM. Second mock exam results came out. Cold water poured over me. Fourth place. Not even top three. The teacher comforted me. "First is a genius. Second hired a professor. Third got lucky." "Don't be sad, Lily. I'll talk to your family." But Dad said these were excuses. I regressed because I didn't work hard enough. That night I was locked in the storage room. Pitch black. I curled up in fear. Squeaking sounds around me, rats or snakes. Anxiety and panic overwhelmed me. I shook uncontrollably. I banged on the door, begging. "Dad, I was wrong. Let me out." "I'll work hard..." No one answered. Silence outside. Just like now. Pitch black. I hugged my semi-transparent body, eyes wet. "Sorry, Mom, Dad..." 4 The front door opened. Mom and Dad were back. Mom looked at my closed door and sighed. "Still throwing a tantrum." Dad scowled: "You spoiled her! I say! Didn't beat her hard enough!" Mom waved: "How did I spoil her! Fine! I won't manage her, you do it!" "I'm going to the roof to get the sheets!" I was frantic. I looked too ugly. I didn't want to scare Mom. But Mom went to the roof. She pulled down the sheet, muttering. "Don't know what sin I committed to birth such a waste." Next second, she saw me hanging there. Mom froze. The sheet fell into the dust. She stared at me, eyes bulging, face green. Terrifying. Mom didn't come down for a long time. Dad came up. "Taking forever for a sheet?" "Lily is getting more disobedient. Going to college soon, still so immature!" Next second, he saw me. Dad's pupils shrank violently, lips trembling, speech failing. "Lily!" Mom snapped out of it, rushing to me. She tried to lift me down, but she was too weak. "David! Come help!" Her voice rose to a scream. Dad's shaking hands lifted me down carefully. He looked at the red groove on my neck, biting into the bone, bloody. The mark made by the belt he used to punish me yesterday. Mom held me, sobbing breathlessly. "Lily! Wake up! Mom begs you, look at Mom!" Dad took out his phone, shaking. "Doctor, ambulance... she'll be fine... she must be fine." His hands shook so much he failed to dial several times. The ambulance came fast. Medics checked me. Mom couldn't stand, swaying. The doctor checked my eyes, used instruments, then shook his head. "Dead too long. Can't save her." Mom threw herself on me, wailing. "Lily! What will Mom do without you!" She hugged me tight, forehead to mine, trying to warm my cold body. Tears smashed onto my face. Dad fell to his knees, kowtowing to the doctor. "Please! Doctor! Save my daughter!" "She just got into college! She's our only hope!" The doctor sighed, handing Dad a pill bottle from the floor. "We tried." "And this is for depression. As parents, you should know her condition." "Besides the fatal wound, she has dozens of scars on her wrists. Previous suicide attempts." Dad collapsed on the ground. "I knew..." "But I thought she was better..." I never got better. Since Dad carried me to the hospital and Mom cared for me day and night, I hid my sickness. I didn't want them to worry. So every time Dad punished me and Mom cried to me, I went to my room alone and cut my arm with a cold blade. I covered my mouth to stop the screams. When consciousness faded, I bandaged the wound and wiped the blood off the floor. Until everything looked calm again. Day after day. The SATs approached. I studied longer. Countless cuts on my arms. I told myself. After the exam, it ends. I won't see their disappointed eyes anymore. But when the scores came... I sat frozen. The score dazed me. Why? I worked so hard. Dad put so much effort, Mom sacrificed so much. But I didn't even break 1400. Forget Ivy League, even state college was luck. Sure enough, Mom and Dad's smiles vanished. Dad whipped me with the belt, pointing at my nose. "Trash!" "Raised you all these years! Put in so much effort! And you!?" Another whip. Flesh split. Intense pain. Mom looked at me with disappointment, eyes red. The room was suffocating. Until a knock on the door. Mom wiped her tears. "Coming!" Aunt Karen and Chloe, carrying gifts. Aunt Karen beamed. "Scores are out! Lily must be high!" "Unlike our Chloe, barely passed the Ivy cutoff." Mom's face looked ugly. "Don't mention it! Her score... unworthy of our sacrifice!" Glancing at me coldly. "Why are you staring! Go buy water for your cousin!" When I came back with water, about to open the door, I heard Mom's voice. Should just let her die. That sentence echoed in my mind. Mom's wailing brought me back. "Lily! Mom's fault, Mom shouldn't have said that..." "All Mom's fault..." She slapped herself like a madwoman. I tried to stop her, but my fingers passed through her body. Dad hugged Mom, voice hoarse. "Lily is dead! Whatever you do, she won't come back!"
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