What's it like being married to someone who doesn't love you? Evening rush hour. I’m sitting in the passenger seat of my husband’s car, typing out an answer to that exact question on my phone. My fingers fly across the screen as memories from high school flood back. Suddenly, the guy next to me glances over, casually asking, "What are you writing that's got you so focused? You didn't even hear me talking to you." My heart skips a beat. I fumble, quickly closing the app, and force a smile. "Oh, nothing much. Just chatting with a friend." I turn to him, putting on my most innocent face. Ethan narrows his eyes slightly, clearly not entirely convinced, but lets it go. He sighs deeply, launching back into his rant about his ex-ex-girlfriend—the one who’d been clinging to him for the past six months. "Seriously, this woman is unbelievable. It's not like I treated her badly when we were together, right? But she’s like Krazy Glue, totally driving me nuts. Now she's texting me asking why I married you..." I listen intently, like I'm getting the inside scoop on the hottest guy from high school. All I need is a bag of popcorn. Hearing him talk, you might think Ethan was deeply in love with me. Only I know the truth: he married me because he thought I didn't love him either. Someone who didn't love him wouldn't get clingy or jealous, wouldn't cause him any trouble. What he doesn't know is that I've been crushing on him since seventh grade. I've just gotten really good at hiding it. While he’s distracted by traffic, I quickly reply to a particularly intense comment on my post: He's not bad to me. He gives me plenty for spending money, picks me up from work... he just doesn't have feelings for me, that's all. Another commenter earnestly offered to drive a bulldozer over and help me escape. I almost snort with laughter. We get home. Ethan eats a quick bite and then heads back out to the office to work late. I hand him some fruit to take with him, walking him to the door like I always do. "Drive safe." He nods, opening his umbrella and stepping out into the rain. I watch his car disappear down the street before heading back inside. Lately, I've been playing this online game Ethan used to be obsessed with back in high school. When he found out, he just lent me his old account. He was totally nonchalant about it. "That game has a ton of boring starter quests. Just use my account; I haven't played in ages anyway." I knew about his reputation back then, and even before we got married, he was upfront about his past – lots of ex-girlfriends, lots of online "friendships." He'd said if his history bothered me, we shouldn't get married. So, logging into the game and seeing a friends list full of female avatars wasn't exactly a shock. It did sting a little, though. Thinking about it, he probably doesn't even remember half the girls he flirted with using this account. I eventually managed to tease him about it, trying to sound casual. "Wow, you were quite the popular guy back in the day." He just laughed. "That was a long time ago." Tonight, like usual, I log into the game. Suddenly, I get an invite from a player with a little kitten avatar. My finger slips while trying to decline, and I accidentally accept, landing right in her private lobby. Thankfully, I hit the exit button fast. All I hear is a tearful "Ethan?" before I'm back on my own screen. But she's persistent, spamming me with party invites. Fine. I type back: Not him. He sold the account. The girl fires back immediately: You say that on every account... Are you that scared of me? Ugh. Not sure what to do, I screenshot the chat and send it to Ethan. What now? He replies with a string of periods, followed by three words: Delete her. So ruthless. I hesitate. I mean, technically she's a rival, but she's still just a girl. I try a gentler approach: Ethan's married now. You shouldn't waste your time hanging onto him. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, better ones too. Her response is instant: Who are you to him? She types fast. Girl: Like I care. That's hilarious. People get divorced all the time, you know? Her audacity leaves me speechless. Okay, no more Mrs. Nice Guy. Me: I'm his wife. Silence from her end. A long silence. I start to think maybe she's finally given up. Then, a new message pops up. Her: Are you Jessica? ... Let me tell you a joke. Jessica is my husband's "one that got away." One of them, anyway. 2 It's totally normal that she doesn't recognize the name of my husband's actual wife. Me and Ethan getting married was pure luck. Like, win-the-lottery kind of luck. Dumb luck. It was Memorial Day weekend. My parents, who live out of state, were visiting the family plot at the cemetery, lighting incense for my grandpa and other relatives. Right next to them, my future mother-in-law was doing the same for her family. My mom overheard her muttering to a headstone about how Ethan was almost thirty and still single. One thing led to another, my mom heard her, and the two of them started chatting. They compared notes, realized Ethan and I lived in the same city. Then came the photo exchange. Both moms were thrilled. Before I knew it, they'd orchestrated a blind date for us. It wasn't until Ethan and I added each other on WeChat—yeah, we still used that sometimes—that we realized we'd gone to the same middle and high school for six years. Now we even worked in the same city. The only part of his life I missed was college. We went out for dinner once. Afterward, Ethan sent me a voice message on WeChat. I can still remember the deep, magnetic quality of his voice. He said, "Let's be honest. I just need to get married to satisfy my family. I've dated a lot of people, and fair warning, I probably won't fall in love with you. If we get married, the house will be in your name, and you won't have to worry about chores or anything. If you're okay with all that, and you're interested, maybe we could give it a shot." So, this marriage was basically optional for him. He was willing to marry me purely because he thought I didn't love him either. His last girlfriend, the one he dated for six months, wanted to talk marriage. He thought she was too dramatic and needy, so he broke up with her. In his eyes, I was different. Anatomically female, sure, but otherwise, just like one of the guys. Loved gaming, kind of oblivious, seemed totally uninterested in romance. I know that the second I show any sign of actually loving him, he'll file for divorce without hesitation. Ethan often reminds me, "If you meet someone you like, just tell me. Don't cheat. We can get divorced amicably. Same goes for me." I've heard it so many times my ears are practically calloused. I play along, pretending to be indifferent. "Nah, I'm good. Life's pretty free right now, it's great. I'm perfectly happy." He seems satisfied with the status quo too. Even though he was the backdrop to my entire middle and high school existence. Somehow, we always just missed each other. I was completely insignificant in his world. Fine. Jessica it is, then. Jessica's name carries more weight than mine, apparently. I type back to the kitten avatar girl: Yeah, that's me, Jessica. We've been married for two years. She finally shuts up. A moment later, I check my friends list – she's deleted me. Clearly, she knew when to back down. Gaming is my biggest passion, besides Ethan. I get completely absorbed and, oops, it's suddenly past 1 AM. Just as I shut down the computer, I hear the front door open. Ethan is taking off his shoes in the entryway as I emerge from the study, heading towards the bedroom. Seeing me still awake, he frowns. "Playing games this late? Still not asleep?" I yawn. "Yeah. Going now." "You haven't changed into pajamas," he notes, his expression disapproving. "Haven't showered either, have you?" I know about his neat-freak tendencies. Caught, I nod awkwardly. The next thing I know, he's dragging me towards the bathroom. "Get cleaned up before you get into my bed." Showering with my high school crush... another win for today.
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