The summer I turned eighteen, Jackson Hayes and I tasted the forbidden fruit. I winced with the unfamiliar pain, but secretly, I soared with joy all night long, believing six long years of unspoken adoration had finally found its resolution. It wasn't until the next day, when I overheard his friends teasing: “Alright, man, the class stunner helped you break in.” A wave of humiliation washed over me. I was about to slip away quietly when Jackson’s nonchalant reply drifted through the open classroom door. “I’m planning to pursue Renee Sterling, the campus queen. Didn’t want her to think I was too green, too inexperienced. Figured I’d practice my technique on Elara first.” I said nothing. Just moments before the deadline, I silently changed my university application from Northwood to Sunstone. 1 Jackson’s words struck me like a sudden, deafening thunderclap on a clear day. My mind instantly went blank. On such a scorching summer afternoon, I felt an icy chill seep into my very bones. The conversation inside the classroom continued. His friends seemed to pause for a beat, then spoke again. “Classic Jackson. Even the class stunner is just a warm-up act for him.” “So, she’s practically like… a practice dummy for the lord of the manor, right?” Jackson chuckled dismissively. “What are you talking about? She didn’t lose anything, did she?” Someone immediately chimed in, “True, true. Elara is a bit thin, though. Compared to Renee, her figure… well…” Jackson impatiently tossed a book at the guy, cutting him off. “It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, you know? The atmosphere was there, and besides, she looked like she was really struggling to hold back…” The others shared knowing glances, teasing him. “Who knew the class stunner was such a dark horse?” “Tsk, tsk, Jackson, your charm is just too potent. Why let a piece of meat at your lips go to waste?” “Elara’s been chasing you for years. Guess she finally got what she wanted. Probably been itching to pounce on you.” The laughter inside the room grew noticeably louder. I bit my lip, my hands clenching into tight fists. It took every ounce of my willpower to remain standing, not to collapse right there at the classroom door. Footsteps approached from the end of the hallway. I snapped back to reality, fleeing the scene in a panicked rush. In my haste, I ducked into a toilet stall. 2 Tears of heartbreak and humiliation had long since burst their dam. Jackson’s words, each one a sharp blade, echoed relentlessly in my mind, utterly demolishing every last shred of my self-respect. If I hadn’t heard it with my own ears, I would never have believed that the boy who had clung to me, entwining our bodies in a desperate, breathless dance just last night, was the same person. So, you could do something so intimate without love. And in the most passionate, irrational moments, you could still lie and deceive. The blissful culmination I had foolishly believed was ours, was nothing more than a punchline in someone else’s joke. I cried harder and harder, but I dared not make a sound, my body trembling uncontrollably. After a long while, my phone chimed with a message notification. It was Jackson. [You can take a cab back yourself. My class has a party tonight, it’s not convenient to bring you.] I didn’t reply. He sent another. [Remember to buy the morning-after pill yourself. I’m busy today. Definitely take it, okay, sweetie.] I stared at the two messages, silent for a long, heavy moment. Yesterday, from dusk till dawn, Jackson had worked me over again and again. In the end, we were both utterly exhausted. Before he drifted off to sleep, holding me close, he’d even murmured twice. “Didn’t prepare enough for our first time. I’ll definitely remember to buy you the pill during the day.” He’d even warned me that girls needed to protect themselves, and that taking the morning-after pill was crucial to avoid harming my body. At the time, I’d thought he was being so responsible, that I had finally found my happiness. And now… A sharp jolt of clarity brought me back. I squeezed my palms, forcing the tears to stop. I wiped my eyes and, after composing myself, stepped out of the restroom. Too embarrassed to go to a pharmacy, I ordered the pill online. It took ages for the delivery rider to leave it at my door, and even longer before I dared to sneak out and retrieve it. After swallowing the pills with a bitter taste of tears, all my strength seemed to drain away. I just sat motionless on the carpet, staring blankly into space. From the moment Jackson’s family moved in next door, I’d been his little shadow, trailing him for ten years. I’d never imagined a world without him. I hadn’t dared to. But from now on, it would just be me. Outside the window, lights flickered on one by one, then slowly extinguished. I don’t know how long passed before my best friend, Maisie, video-called me. “Elara, why didn’t you come to our class party tonight? That Renee Sterling from the humanities class showed up, though. While you’re not here, she’s practically glued to Jackson, and they’re making everyone sick.” Maisie turned her camera. 3 In the dim corner of the private lounge, Jackson and Renee Sterling, the campus queen, sat pressed close together. Renee wore a cropped top and tight denim skirt tonight, accentuating her slender waist and long legs. They were noticeably separated from the other partygoers. Even their conversations seemed to be whispered intimately. Across the screen, I could feel the thick, ambiguous tension between them. My chest tightened uncontrollably. Jackson had just said this afternoon that he wanted to pursue her. It seemed he had already succeeded by nightfall. Renee had drawn “reverse push-ups” in a game of truth or dare, requiring her to choose a male partner. Unsurprisingly, Jackson immediately stepped forward. The crowd began to egg them on. Renee’s face flushed as she dutifully lay down on the sofa. Jackson positioned himself above her and did dozens of push-ups in one go. He was incredibly restrained the entire time, meticulously avoiding contact with Renee’s body. Until the very last one, whether from sheer exhaustion or perhaps intentionally, he lost his balance and landed squarely on top of Renee. The surrounding screams intensified, threatening to blow the roof off. Jackson and Renee’s faces turned even redder. Amidst the frenzied cheers of the crowd, Jackson simply lowered his head and kissed Renee. They engaged in a deep, French kiss, oblivious to everyone else. It lasted a full three minutes before they reluctantly separated. For that agonizingly long three minutes, I stared at the screen, unblinking, too stunned to even breathe. My heart felt like it was being ripped apart, a searing pain. I wanted to cry so badly, but I’d cried so much that afternoon without hydrating that I literally had no tears left. “Tsk, tsk, tsk, Elara, did you see that? They were practically glued together, he’s totally smitten.” Maisie sighed, then turned the camera away and left the lounge. She found a quiet corner and seriously advised me, “Elara, please don’t be mad at me. If you didn’t see it with your own eyes, you would never give up.” My throat was dry and hoarse, the sounds I made almost incomprehensible. “No, I’m not mad at you.” I was only mad at myself for being so foolish for so many years. Believing that because I was always allowed to be by Jackson’s side, that spot would forever be mine. “I just can’t stand Jackson. How could he know you’ve liked him for so many years and still play the innocent boy, stringing you along, letting you fall deeper and deeper? You saw it clearly just now. I really hope you think carefully. Don’t let him ruin another four years of your life in college…” “He won’t, Maisie,” I cut her off, stating calmly. “I won’t give myself that chance again. Maisie, I’ve decided. I’m going to Sunstone University with you. But you have to promise to keep it a secret for now.” 4 With that, to ensure I wouldn’t waver, I opened my laptop right in front of her. Without the slightest hesitation, and just moments before the deadline, I changed my first-choice university to that renowned school in Sunstone. Maisie, naturally, was ecstatic. She had been begging me for ages to apply to the same university. But when I first entered high school, Jackson and I had made a pact: we’d work hard together, and after graduation, we’d go to Northwood, his dream city, the one he’d always wanted. It had his favorite aerospace engineering program. So, even though I didn’t particularly like the cold North, and felt no real connection to that STEM-focused university, for three years of high school, I’d always considered it my goal. After years of being neighbors, both our parents were thrilled at the idea of us attending the same university. Everyone, myself included, assumed that Jackson and I would naturally become a couple once we came of age. But now, I couldn’t find any reason to go to Northwood. Or rather, after today, if I continued to cling to Jackson as I had before, I would despise myself. All I wanted now was to get far away. It didn’t matter where, as long as Jackson wasn’t there. He was in the North, so I would go South. 5 Before bed, I filled the bathtub to the brim, wanting to wash myself thoroughly clean. But as I undressed, the bruises on my skin were still painfully visible. The memories of last night, uncontrolled, flooded back. The scorching heat of his skin when we embraced tightly, his burning breath against my ear in moments of passion—the lingering warmth seemed to still cling to the air around me. I violently shook my head, trying to cast off these absurd thoughts. I found the coarsest scrub brush and scoured my skin again and again until it was raw and red. I was trying, clumsily, to erase this most shameful memory of my life. The result was that I barely slept all night from the pain. Jackson, as expected, didn't send any more messages. He had broken the habit we’d held since we first got phones six years ago: never-ending goodnight texts. That was fine. It was bound to happen someday. Might as well start the withdrawal tonight. I drifted in and out of sleep until almost dawn before finally falling into a deeper slumber. The next morning, I was still fast asleep when I suddenly felt someone press a soft kiss to my forehead in my dream.
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