When I was ten, for my sister’s birthday, she wanted a porcelain doll. My father said, "Go on, slap your sister, and I'll buy it for you." And so, I took a hard slap across the face. When I was seventeen, my father sent my sister to study abroad but refused to pay for my college. I begged him for days. He threw fifty dollars at me. "I don't owe you a damn thing, Elara." When I was twenty-seven, my sister returned from overseas, took a liking to my husband, and began to subtly, and not-so-subtly, flirt with him. My father sneered at me. "If you can't keep a man, that's your own failure." Yes, they all preferred my sister, Rosalie. The one with the fancy degree and the sweet-talking tongue. Even my own son. On his fifth birthday, my son, Leo, wanted to go to the amusement park, but not with me. He said I was too bossy. My husband, David, joked with him. "Go give Mommy a slap. If she gets mad, she won't go. Then we can go with your Auntie Rosalie." And my son really did walk over and slap me. The sound was sharp and loud. I just stood there, stunned. Until my son’s voice piped up again, "Daddy, is she mad now? Can I go to the amusement park with Auntie Rosalie?" 1 David took our son to the amusement park without telling me. When they came back, Leo was holding a small, cheap-looking stuffed toy. He held it out to me timidly, not saying a word. His eyes, however, kept darting toward David. As if to say: I did what you said to make her happy. Why is she still ignoring me? I was in the dining room, packaging the desserts I had just finished baking. David walked in and saw the scene, his brow furrowing in disapproval. “Elara, are you really going to stay mad at your own son this long over a joke?” He ruffled Leo’s hair. “He was thinking about you the whole time we were at the park today, and this is the look you give him?” I glanced down at the crudely made, cheap toy in Leo’s hands. On my phone, which was sitting on the table, was a message from my sister, Rosalie, sent just before they’d walked in: [Are you seriously jealous of me over Leo again? Why have you always had to turn everything into a competition with me, ever since we were kids?] [But I won’t hold it against you. We saw one of those scan-a-code-win-a-prize things at the park, so I had David get one for you. Just take it and get over it, okay?] David took the toy from Leo and pushed it toward me. “Elara, don’t be childish in front of him.” I sealed the last bag of cookies and finally looked up at David. “I’m not angry.” I took out a small cookie and offered it to Leo. “Help Mommy taste-test this, okay?” Leo looked at the rabbit-shaped cookie. “Mommy, you used to only make the little bear cookies I like.” “Oh. I got tired of those. Wanted to try something new.” I started for the door. David called after me, “Where are you going this late?” “I have some things to take care of.” I put on my shoes, not bothering to give him the usual detailed report of my whereabouts. I just told Leo, “Remember to brush your teeth after your dessert. Mommy won’t be here to tuck you in tonight.” 2 David texted me: [When are you coming home?] I pressed the button, and the screen went dark. I looked at my best friend, who was sampling my latest creation. “So? What’s the verdict?” Sadie took a delicate bite, her eyes widening in amazement. “Honey, I’ve been telling you for years we should open a dessert shop together. I am so, so happy you’ve finally come around.” She looked at me with a warmth that was both proud and relieved. “I was honestly starting to think you were going to be a housewife for the rest of your life.” “But,” she added, “my shop is in the next city over. Are you sure you can bear to be away from Leo?” I didn’t answer her question. My mind drifted back to the events of the day. Leo’s fifth birthday. I had woken up at dawn to prepare. I’d cooked a whole table of his favorite foods. Even the decoration on the cake—his beloved Spider-Man—was something I had painstakingly carved out of chocolate, detail by detail. But Leo hadn’t even glanced at it. He was used to my cooking. No matter how creative or delicious, it could never compete with the allure of fried chicken and soda from a fast-food joint. So he’d just given the table a cursory look and turned to David. “Daddy, it’s my birthday. Can Auntie Rosalie take me to the amusement park? I don’t want Mom’s food. I’m so sick of it!” And that’s when David had said it—"Go give Mommy a slap..." … How could I even begin to explain all this to Sadie? I had chosen my husband. My son was my own flesh and blood. Complaining about it felt pointless and self-pitying. I just looked at Sadie and sighed softly. “People really do change. I used to think all I ever wanted was a family of my own, that a husband and child were my destiny. When you told me a career was a woman’s real foundation, I didn’t agree. I even tried to convince you to get married.” “Sadie,” I said, my voice thick with emotion, “thank you for not holding that against me. And for still being willing to give me a chance.” Sadie looked at me, our decade-long friendship a silent language between us. She understood the words I couldn’t say. She squeezed my hand. “As long as you’re willing to change, it’s never too late.” 3 It was past nine by the time I finished talking business with Sadie. When I got home, I found my sister, Rosalie, sitting on the sofa with David. She was dressed in something light and revealing, and they were sitting very close together. When he saw me, a flicker of panic crossed David’s eyes. But it was quickly replaced by irritation. In the past, the mere sight of him with Rosalie would have sent me into a hysterical fit, making everyone miserable. So, out of habit, he immediately went on the defensive. “What are you thinking now? Leo wouldn’t go to sleep without someone comforting him, so I asked your sister to come over…” “Oh. Is he asleep now?” I cut him off. No accusations. No arguments. No temper tantrum. My calm unnerved him. He opened his mouth, then closed it, finally mumbling a sullen, “Just fell asleep.” “Good. I’m going to go wash up.” I started to walk past them. The annoyance on David’s face deepened. He suddenly grabbed my wrist. “Elara, I told you, your sister and I…” “Did I ask you anything?” I looked at him, genuinely confused. Why was he getting angry when I wasn’t even questioning him? Suddenly, Rosalie let out a sharp cry. David’s attention snapped back to her. “Rosalie, maybe you should head home.” Rosalie looked at him with wide, pleading eyes. “David, I think I twisted my ankle. Can you give me a ride?” David glanced back at me, checking my reaction. I pulled my hand from his grasp. “It’s late. It’s not safe for her to go home alone. You should take her.” David stared at me, his eyes searching my face. “Elara, you…” “What about me?” His brow, which had been tightly furrowed, slowly relaxed. “I’m glad you can be so understanding. It was my idea to have her come over, so I should be responsible for getting her home safely. But don’t worry, I’ll be right back.” “Oh, it’s fine,” I said, not wanting to drag out the conversation. “I’m tired. If there’s nothing else, I’m going to bed.” 4 David said he’d be right back, but a quick glance at Rosalie’s Instagram stories showed the two of them at a bar. Rosalie was dancing wildly. David was right there by her side, never straying. A deep exhaustion washed over me. I muted Rosalie’s account. Just then, Leo shuffled into the room, clutching his new toy, his eyes heavy with sleep. “Mommy, aren’t you sleeping with me tonight?” “No, sweetheart. Mommy is going to sleep in the guest room.” I looked at my reflection in the vanity mirror. At the faint handprint on my cheek that even makeup couldn’t completely hide. Sadie had been heartbroken when she saw it. But I hadn’t heard a single sincere apology from my husband or my son. They were acting as if nothing had happened. Leo’s lip jutted out. “Mommy, if you don’t sleep with me, then I’m not letting you take me to school tomorrow! And I won’t eat your food either!” Leo had night blindness; he’d been afraid of the dark since he was a baby. I met his angry gaze in the mirror. “Leo, if you’re so afraid of the dark, why don’t you ask your father to stay with you?” “Daddy has to work. You don’t do anything all day but spend Daddy’s money. Isn’t it your job to put me to sleep?” “So, if I stop spending Daddy’s money, does that mean I don’t have to put you to sleep anymore?” Leo let out a cold sneer, his tone a perfect imitation of his father’s. “Don’t be ridiculous, Mom. You’re not smart and successful like Auntie Rosalie. If you didn’t spend Dad’s money, where would you get any? From Grandpa? But even Grandpa says you’re the most useless person in the family!” 5 I had heard words like these my entire life. I wasn't as brilliant as Rosalie. I wasn't as educated as Rosalie. All the best things were meant for Rosalie. It was like our names themselves were a prophecy. She was Rosalie, the bloom. I was Elara, the block of wood. I was used to it. Numb to it. But I had never, ever imagined that one day, I would hear those same words from the mouth of the son I had carried for nine months, the son I had risked my life to bring into this world. My hands trembled. An icy chill shot up from the soles of my feet to the crown of my head. I felt rage, and a deep, wounded sorrow. And then, all emotion receded, leaving behind a dead, still pool, incapable of even a ripple. I spoke to Leo softly. “Fine. Then make sure you get up early tomorrow. Mommy won’t be making you breakfast.” 6 I didn’t have to make breakfast for Leo. I didn’t feel the familiar pang of sadness over David once again staying out all night. I slept soundly. At five in the morning, I got up and packed a few essentials. As I dragged my suitcase out the door, Leo was still fast asleep, long past the time he should have been getting up for school. I took one last look at the home I had so carefully nurtured for so long. The clean clothes I had washed were drying on the balcony. The ivy I had tended to was thriving, its vines sprawling beautifully. The potted plants were lush and green. Except for a few cigarette butts that David had carelessly stubbed out in the soil of the succulents. We had fought about him doing that so many times. He never listened. And Leo had learned from his example. When he was bored, he liked to pull the leaves off my plants, leaving the once-healthy greenery tattered and torn. Getting angry at them had never worked. Looking at them now, I realized those plants were just like me. Objects to be treated with casual indifference. I stood there for a long time. I knew I would never come back here. And I knew that David and Leo would never be able to take care of them. After a long silence, I sent a message to my neighbor, who also loved gardening: [If you wouldn't mind, could I give you all my plants? I'd love for them to have a good home.] 7 Nine hours later, the plane landed in Ardencroft. I turned on my phone. Dozens of missed calls and messages. All from David. [Where are you?] [What kind of mother are you? Leo was late for school, don't you care?] [Elara, are you seriously still sulking about me and your sister? Are you insane? She’s your sister, what do you think is going to happen?] [How old are you, running away like this? You’re not even answering your father’s calls?] [Hah. No wonder your own father can't stand you.] [You’ll just never be as good as your sister, Rosalie.] … I stared at the messages. My emotions, which I thought were long dead, stirred with a faint ripple of pain. Those ripples grew sharp barbs, clawing their way into my limbs, my heart beginning to ache with a thousand tiny pinpricks. I called him back. David’s voice was hoarse from a hangover. “Are you still mad about yesterday? It was a joke, and now you’re abandoning your son over it?” “David,” I said, my voice heavy with exhaustion, “it’s only a joke if the other person finds it funny. If someone slapped you, would you be laughing?” David was silent. I continued softly, “I’m going to be very busy for a while. You’ll have to take care of Leo.” 8 I said I was leaving Leo in David’s care. But after a long day of setting up the new dessert shop, I still couldn't shake the worry. That night, I carefully typed out a long list of instructions and sent it to him. I reminded him: [Leo's water bottle needs fresh water every day. Make sure he remembers to drink it at school.] David sent back a video. My fingers froze over the keyboard. I opened it. It was Rosalie, treating Leo to KFC. Leo was gnawing on a burger. “Auntie Rosalie, who cares if Mom doesn't come back? I think you’d be a way better mom for me.” Rosalie glanced shyly at David, who was filming. “Don't say things like that, sweetie. Your dad has to agree first.” The video ended. David texted: [Elara, do you regret it? Are you sad? What stupid business of yours is so important? See? You’ve been gone for one day, and your son has already replaced you.] Slowly, character by character, I deleted the long message I had been typing. I replied: [If one day can erase years of my devotion, then it’s my failure as a mother for not teaching him gratitude. And it is your failure as a father to not only allow it, but to revel in being fought over by two women. David, I think it's time I seriously reconsidered our relationship.] 9 Was I sad? Ever since Rosalie had returned and slowly inserted herself into our lives, yes, I had been sad. I had been hysterical. I had screamed and fought. Countless times, I had acted like a madwoman, clinging to Leo at night, obsessively asking him why he liked Rosalie more than me. It got so bad that Leo refused to let me take him to school. He’d sling his backpack over his shoulder, his cold eyes a perfect mirror of his father’s, and ask me, “Mom, is there anything about you that’s actually impressive?” I had lived a barren, deprived life. I thought that by having David and Leo, my life would finally blossom. So I gave everything. I held nothing back. I thought that if I just kept giving, I would eventually earn the love I so desperately craved. That my life, like a flower, would one day bloom. But in the end, I discovered the truth. I planted flowers for the moon, and I scattered stars upon the sea. But the moon buried me, and the sea swallowed me whole. The only salvation in this life is to love yourself, fiercely and without apology. 10 I stopped paying attention to anything related to David and Leo. I poured all my time, all my energy, into the dessert shop I opened with Sadie. She provided the capital; I provided the skill. I was busy from sunup to sundown. A month later, David showed up at the shop. He was dressed in a sharp black suit, completely out of place in the shop’s whimsical, pastel-pink decor. When he saw me, his handsome face was etched with its usual frown. “You abandoned your home for a month for this little shop?” I tried my best to remain calm. “Is there something you need?” He was clearly dissatisfied with my tone. His frown deepened. “You’re my wife. Do I need a reason to come see you?” A sarcastic smile touched my lips. A whole month, and he was only just now remembering to find me? Was I just unimportant, or had he simply not cared? David loosened his tie. “Alright, I’m not going to waste my time. Leo is sick, in the hospital. It’s time for you to come home and take care of him like a mother should.”
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