A viral TikTok asked, "How much damage can a guy's 'first love' actually do?" I saw my boyfriend’s comment: “My current girlfriend was just diagnosed with a terminal illness. All I can think is: thank God she’s just a lookalike, and not her.” Clutching my diagnosis report, I cried until I started to laugh. 1 The first thing I did after leaving the hospital was pack my bags. Sean noticed me packing before he noticed my bloodshot eyes. He frowned and asked, "What are you packing for?" I looked up at him and grinned widely. "I'm packing up to go die." But Sean didn't laugh. His frown only deepened. I knew he only liked it when I offered a demure, close-lipped smile; he only liked me when I was gentle and quiet. But now that I was dying, I only wanted to do what made me happy. Right then, his phone rang. The room was so quiet I could hear his friend's loud voice through the receiver: "Sean! She's back! Are you coming to pick her up from the airport or what?" Sean's grip on his phone tightened instantly. He gave a quick, soft "Yeah" and hung up. Probably out of guilt, I could feel his displeasure vanish, replaced by a kind of apologetic affection. "Baby..." he started, but I cut him off with a smile: "If you have something to do, go do it! Don't worry about me." Sean was in such a hurry he didn't even notice my suitcase was already fully packed. He hastily ruffled my hair, grabbed his coat, and walked out the door. The moment he left, I rolled my suitcase straight to a salon and chopped off the long hair I'd grown out for five years. Snip. Five years, gone in an instant. 2 Sean had barely reunited with his long-lost first love at the airport when I showed up, dragging my suitcase behind me. Wearing sunglasses and holding a compact mirror, I looked at the woman beside him, then at myself in the mirror. I suddenly had the urge to get a DNA test. Seeing me, Sean's brow furrowed so deeply it could have crushed a fly. "Chloe? What are you doing here?" See? In front of his first love, he resorted to using my actual name instead of his usual pet names. I took off my sunglasses and walked over confidently to say hi. "What a coincidence." The woman was momentarily startled to see me, but she quickly recovered, offering an elegant, close-lipped smile and looking at Sean questioningly. Sean's annoyance eased slightly at her smile. He introduced us simply: "This is Audrey, we grew up together. And this is Chloe, my... friend." He said the word "friend" so quickly and quietly, it was as if adding "girl" in front of it made no difference. A sudden look back, and there she is, in the dim, fading light... Ah. I smiled and extended my hand. "Hi there, I'm Chloe. I'm a ghost, a phantom, someone who shouldn't exist. And of course, I'm Sean's 'friend'." "Hello," Audrey replied, taking my hand. Every movement and smile radiated the ease and confidence of someone who knows they are favored. Sean looked inexplicably uncomfortable. He gently urged her, "Audrey, you still need to get over your jet lag. I'll drive you home first. Chloe, you..." I smiled and cut him off again: "If you have something to do, go do it! Don't worry about me." This time, Sean finally noticed something was wrong. As if just realizing my short hair and the suitcase, his tone suddenly became anxious. "Why did you cut your hair? Where are you going with that suitcase?" I laughed. "Sean, you're so funny. Where else would I be going with a suitcase at the airport but on a trip?" Sean's pupils constricted. "You're leaving me?" "Oh look, my flight's boarding soon." I checked my watch and waved at them. "Audrey, I'm leaving my friend in your hands. See you around." With that, I turned to leave, but Sean grabbed my wrist and yelled, "Chloe, what the hell is wrong with you?!" I flinched at his yell, turning my head. The smile was still on my lips, but tears were falling pathetically down my face. "Sean, there is something wrong with me. I'm sick." As I said this, my peripheral vision was entirely focused on her. She was so beautiful, so confident; even the sunlight seemed to favor her. "Sean, let me guess. Right now, are you thinking... thank God I'm the one who's sick, and not her?" 3 I insisted on boarding my flight; Sean insisted I couldn't. We ended up causing such a scene at the airport that even Audrey got dragged to the airport police station for questioning. Coming out of the station after giving our statements, I was still mourning the cost of my plane ticket. Sean tried to drag me home by the hand. I shook him off and took two steps back. "That's not my home." "Chloe, haven't you made enough of a scene?" Sean had completely lost his patience. He said coldly, "Our engagement party is the day after tomorrow. I've already sent out the invitations. Who are you throwing this tantrum for?" "Oh, so you do remember we have an engagement party the day after tomorrow." I let out a bitter laugh, turning my gaze to Audrey. I didn't even need to speak; the sarcasm was practically overflowing. Hearing the words "engagement party," Audrey also looked up at Sean, a fleeting look of loneliness crossing her face. "Sean, you're... congratulations." The moment his eyes met Audrey's, Sean's expression looked exactly like heartbreak. They say when the ex cries, the current girlfriend loses. Well, here I was—the ex didn't even shed a tear, and I had still lost completely. Whatever. I'm done playing this game. I hailed a cab, leaving my suitcase behind, and told the driver to go. I saw Sean subconsciously take two steps after me, his face dark. But in the end, he turned and went to drive Audrey home, leaving my suitcase abandoned on the curb. Nobody wanted it. I pulled my gaze away, my nose burning with the urge to cry. "Miss, fighting with your boyfriend?" The driver glanced in the rearview mirror and gossiped, "Men, you know, they're bound to have wandering eyes. As long as he has you in his heart, that's what matters. You can't push a man too hard, it just drives him further away. You just need to coax him a little and it'll be fine." I rubbed my nose. "Sir, please don't try to talk me out of it. I'm taking a cab home to get an axe. If you talk me out of chopping him up, I'll have to chop you up instead." "..." The driver immediately shut his mouth, and the car finally fell silent. As we reached a downtown mall, I suddenly asked him to pull over. The driver dropped me off, muttered a curse, and sped away. I looked up, took a deep breath of the bustling city air, and decided to go on a wild shopping spree. However, once inside the mall, I lost interest and just sat blankly on a bench. Suddenly, I snapped out of my daze, my eyes locking onto Sean's dark ones. Of course, he hadn't come looking for me. He was there accompanying Audrey on a shopping trip. Beside Audrey was an older couple. The four of them were laughing and chatting together, looking like a picture-perfect family from an advertisement. That was something I had never had in my entire life. Seeing me as well, Sean's face clearly displayed a look of blame, as if to say, 'Are you haunting me?' But before he could speak, the older woman beside Audrey suddenly became agitated: "Sparky? Sparky?" Tears streamed from the woman's eyes as she practically threw herself at me, trembling. "Is it you, Sparky? Sparky, my Sparky!" "It's really... it's really Sparky..." The woman's husband also recovered from his shock, his wrinkled, red eyes brimming with emotion. Audrey, meanwhile, was stunned. She looked at her parents, then at me, her chest suddenly heaving violently. "S-sister?" Sean was frozen, and I stood rooted to the spot. What kind of plot twist was this? I took a step back to avoid Audrey's mother. "I'm sorry, ma'am, you have the wrong person. I know Audrey and I look very much alike, but I grew up in an orphanage..." I paused mid-sentence. "My poor Sparky..." Audrey's mother cried so hard she couldn't stand. Audrey's father barely managed to support her, his graying temples seemingly drooping with exhaustion. "Do you remember the carnival when we were little?" Audrey wiped her tears furiously. "The carnival Mom took us to. Because we were throwing a tantrum, Mom bought us each a..." "A little hamster in a red bamboo basket." "A little hamster in a red basket." I instinctively finished the sentence, speaking almost simultaneously with Audrey. Audrey's mother cried out "My Sparky," clutching her chest tightly, practically fainting on the spot. Memories that had been forcefully sealed away for years suddenly burst open, and my entire consciousness blurred. "I remember... I remember that carnival. Because the little hamster ran away, I let go of someone's hand to chase it. Then someone picked me up... I think I slept for a while, and was taken to a lot of places... and then my last memory is being in the orphanage..." My eyes glazed over, as if I were dreaming. "Are you... are you really my family?" Audrey grabbed my hand and nodded frantically, crying so hard she couldn't even speak. All that elegance and composure vanished in an instant. As I slowly pulled my hand back, I realized I was already crying. I looked at Sean, then at Audrey, and finally at Audrey's parents. Suddenly, I broke into a wide grin. "But why did it take you until now to find me? Did you know..." "I'm about to die." 4 From as early as I can remember, I lived in an orphanage—a cage filled with gloom and bitterness. Fortunately, I met a wonderful teacher in elementary school who guided me onto the right path, teaching me optimism and cheerfulness. I liked to laugh out loud, I liked to play harmless jokes, and I liked to joke around while laughing out loud. Until I met Sean. It was at the freshman orientation gala. Sean was the student representative and the host, wearing a dark blue suit, standing tall and straight, his eyes bright as stars. It's no exaggeration to say that just standing there, he was the brightest boy, the most heart-stopping moonlight. In that moment, I felt like my soul had been stolen by him. Of course, I wasn't the only freshman whose soul was stolen by Sean that night. The girls swarmed him, but off-stage, Sean was like a block of ice—a block of ice with a bad temper. So you can imagine, when that block of ice melted only for you, it wouldn't be surprising if you went a little crazy. Sean rejected every girl who asked for his WeChat, walked straight toward me through the crowd, and quietly asked if we could exchange numbers. I almost lost my mind on the spot. Back then, I thought that encounter was because of love, because of fate, or maybe even a connection from a past life. Now the answer was revealed: it was because of bloodlines. Because I was biological sisters with his first love. There was no more perfect "stand-in" for her in this world than me. Sean really was life's favorite. If he couldn't have the younger sister, life handed him the older one. That day at the mall, when I publicly announced my impending death, Audrey's mother fainted immediately, her father wept bitter tears, and Audrey slumped to her knees, unable to accept it. Even the look Sean gave me was one I had never seen before... Shock? Unease? Panic? Heartache? A single word couldn't describe that look. "Affection that comes too late is cheaper than dirt." Audrey held my hand, her eyes swollen like peaches. She had been like this for the past two days: red-eyed, clinging to me. "Affection that comes too late is cheaper than dirt, sis," Audrey repeated. "Don't look back. He's not worth it." I smiled. "I thought you really liked him? Weren't you looking pretty lonely outside the airport when you heard he was getting engaged?" "I'm sorry, sis, I'm so sorry..." Audrey's tears started falling again. "I know I was acting like a total bitch back then. I clearly didn't like Sean, but because he was always chasing after me, suddenly hearing he was marrying someone else made me feel like something of mine was being stolen. I thought I'd just flirt with him a little to disgust you on purpose... I really didn't know it was you back then!" "I saw you and thought you looked really familiar, but I just assumed Sean had deliberately found a 'stand-in.' So it made sense that your features were similar to mine. I even thought to myself, Sean is really good at playing the devoted lover if he could find someone who looked so much like me. I even felt a sense of contempt and superiority deep down. I... I was wrong, I was so wrong, sis!" Audrey cried as she tried to explain, gripping my hand tightly, terrified I would pull away again. But I could understand what she was saying. It's like a spoiled kitten—sometimes they just have to knock over a water glass with childish behavior to prove their place in a human's heart. Because she didn't know it was me, Audrey naturally felt entitled to enjoy being favored. She subconsciously wanted to show off her superiority as the "first love." But once she knew it was me, she could no longer feel a shred of superiority, only overwhelming guilt. Human double standards have always been like this. Bzzzt, bzzzt, bzzzt... The phone on the table was vibrating like crazy. I clicked it open and saw it was all messages from Sean. Sean said he had already booked the best doctor for me, that my illness could definitely be cured. He said he wouldn't break up with me because of this, and that he would still marry me. I watched the messages roll in one after another. Audrey watched me nervously, terrified I would soften. I just found it fascinating. Turns out Sean had such a passionate, proactive side to him too. In the past, I'd send him dozens of messages and he'd reply to one, and I'd carefully save every single reply, grinning like an idiot over them when I had nothing else to do. Honestly, I hadn't planned on telling Sean about my illness this early. I wanted to leave quietly, die quietly, so that one day when Sean realized he could never find me again, he would stumble upon my gravestone, engraved with the joke: "Surprise! She's already dead!" His expression at that moment would surely be priceless. Bzzzt, bzzzt. The phone showed an incoming call again. I pushed the phone toward Audrey, and she simply put it on speaker: "Hello." Hearing Audrey's voice, Sean clearly paused. "Audrey, give the phone back to Chlo... give it back to your sister. I need to talk to her." But Audrey asked her own question: "Sean, do you like me? Do you want to be with me?" The other end of the line fell silent. The living first love versus the dying memory—choosing between them must be really tough for him, right? "Stop messing around, Audrey." Sean's voice was full of exasperation, not blame, as if dealing with a spoiled little girl. "This isn't the time for this. Where's your sister? She's still throwing a tantrum at me. I'll come find her in a bit." I suddenly leaned close to the phone and repeated, word for word: "How much damage can a guy's 'first love' actually do? My current girlfriend was just diagnosed with a terminal illness. All I can think is: thank God she’s just a lookalike, and not her." "..." Beep. After a moment of silence on the other end, Sean hung up the phone. "Scumbag!" Audrey immediately blocked his number, trembling with anger. "Why didn't I realize he was such a bastard before!" Because humans are the most selfish animals. Before their own interests are threatened, everyone is a "good person." I smiled indifferently and turned the phone off completely. The living first love versus the dying memory. Which one to choose? He must be in quite a dilemma right now, huh? But he doesn't need to worry. Because no matter which one... Neither of us will choose him. 5 Surprisingly, the ones who found me faster than Sean were Audrey's parents. Or rather, my biological parents. Maybe there really is some sort of connection between blood relatives. They didn't even ask me to take a DNA test; they recognized me as their lost daughter with just one look. But to me, blood is just blood; it doesn't equate to family. Family bonds can only be built on time and companionship. They are irreplaceable. And without that bond, they were no different from strangers to me. However, when those two people, both over fifty, knelt before me, begging me not to give up on treatment, begging me to try other options... my heart still ached. I tried to pull them up, my tear ducts losing control. I couldn't get them to stand, so I could only kneel down with them, tears blurring my vision. How was I supposed to explain to these two elderly people, who had just found their lost child, that they were about to face the pain of losing her all over again? When my life expectancy was down to just three months, I didn't want to waste that time in sterile hospital rooms, enduring endless, agonizing chemotherapy, just to gamble on a one-in-a-ten-thousand chance of survival. How was I supposed to explain to myself why, looking back on my past, I realized I had wasted my entire twenty-something years? It'll be better after midterms... it'll be better after graduation... it'll be better once I find a job... it'll be better once I get married and have kids... My time was spent either surviving or waiting, as if my life would only become happy and fulfilling after passing some arbitrary milestone. It wasn't until death was at my doorstep that I suddenly realized I had never done a single thing for myself in this lifetime. Even the love I fought so hard for was just me being a placeholder for someone else. As the song of my life dwindled down to its final three movements, I finally gathered the courage to take the conductor's baton for myself. So, I wasn't seeking death; I was seeking life. For my last three months, I wanted to truly live for myself... But could I? I cried like a mess, my words jumbled and incoherent. I originally thought my parents would firmly object, using their status as the ones who brought me into this world to forbid me from acting so recklessly. But instead, they said "Okay." Even though they were crying a river of tears, even though they seemed to age ten years in the blink of an eye, they still said "Okay." They said, "No matter what you choose, we will always love you." I froze, and then, I sobbed uncontrollably. It turns out, I actually had really wonderful parents. It turns out, my life could have been really happy. Once everyone had calmed down, my mom held my hand tightly and showed me photos from when I was little. In the pictures, her younger self was holding two chubby little bundles, smiling radiantly. She pointed at an old photo and laughed, "Look at this one, Sparky. Your dad was trying to change your diaper for the first time, but he couldn't tell the front from the back, and you ended up smearing poop all over his face..." As she laughed, her emotions broke down again. She cried, her mouth wide open but no sound coming out. Yet I could tell she was screaming, "My Sparky." How was she supposed to accept this kind of ending? She's a mother... she's a mother! Having to watch her own child march toward death—how could she bear it? My dad held my devastated mom, his cloudy eyes suppressing tears. He smiled kindly and waved me off. "Go on. Go do what you want to do. Audrey, spend more time with your sister. All these years... she's had it hard, all alone." This sudden outpouring of care made me want to run away. My heart felt like a towel being wrung out, throbbing with pain. Audrey followed closely behind me. Her hands and feet were weak, but she still managed to look up at me and smile. "Sis, where are we going?" I took a few deep breaths to calm the throbbing pain. After thinking for a moment, I still asked the question: "If they love me so much, why didn't they ever come looking for me?" Audrey's eyelashes fluttered, and she told me the story of what happened back then. It turned out that when I got lost at the carnival, my mom immediately started looking for me and called the police. Witnesses said they saw me being carried away, and the police managed to track down the license plate of the kidnappers' car. However, by the time they found the car, it had been involved in a major accident out of state. The gas tank exploded. All that was left in the wreckage was the charred body of an adult in the driver's seat... and the charred body of a toddler in the trunk, burned beyond recognition. All the evidence pointed to me being kidnapped and then dying in the car crash. But my parents always firmly believed I was still alive. My mom quit her job and put up missing person posters everywhere. My previously healthy dad developed all sorts of illnesses practically overnight. If it weren't for their younger daughter, Audrey, being there, the couple wouldn't have survived until today. I tried desperately to recall my past. I did remember being placed in the passenger seat. After that, I slept for a long time. Maybe because I wasn't crying or making a fuss, the person got out of the car midway and left me alone. Not long after, another person got into the car. Seeing me, he seemed very surprised. He carried me out of the car, put me in a small corner, and my last memory was of the back of a car driving away. Thinking about it now, it's very likely the kidnappers ran into a car thief. The car thief threw me out of the passenger seat, but didn't notice there was another kidnapped child in the trunk. In the end, the car thief got into an accident, and because of that, I escaped being trafficked and ended up in an orphanage instead. I really did experience all the coincidences in the world. And with a life like this, was I lucky, or unlucky? I couldn't figure it out, and I didn't have the time to try. At least for the days I had left, I wanted to be happy. I pulled out a crumpled piece of loose-leaf paper and unfolded it. The top prominently read four big words: "Bucket List" Audrey looked over, and I explained, "I wrote this back when I was 18. I had just watched the movie The Bucket List and thought it was fun, so I copied the idea and wrote one too. Who knew I'd actually need to use it someday? Good thing I didn't throw it away." Saying that, I pulled out a lipstick and crossed out the first three items on the paper: Live to be 100. Travel the whole world. Marry the person I love most. I put the lipstick away and smiled at Audrey. "Not bad. A good start is half the battle. I've already crossed three wishes off the list so fast." Audrey covered her mouth tightly, her thick sobs making her words come out squeaky. "Sorry... Sis, I need to go to the bathroom." I watched Audrey stumble away, the smile on my lips slowly fading. Was it because I hadn't joked around in so long that my skills were rusty? Why did my jokes only make people cry now? "Chloe." I was lost in thought when I heard the voice behind me—the voice I used to long for even in my dreams. I turned around and looked at Sean. He was wearing a black trench coat. His tall, lean figure standing there was a sight to behold. Seeing my bloodshot eyes, Sean reached out to take my hand, his voice gentle enough to melt ice. "Baby, let's go to the hospital. Be a good girl." I pulled my hand back and stepped away. "Piss off." Sean stiffened but still tried to coax me. "Baby, I was wrong before. I apologize. That comment was just a joke. I didn't know you were really... I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to curse you. I had a little to drink that day, and I don't even know where I copy-pasted that sentence from. I didn't mean it. Can you forgive me, baby?" I stuck with my original statement: "Piss off." Sean's face finally darkened. "Chloe, I understand you're in a bad mood because you're sick, but can you stop throwing childish tantrums? I heard from Mr. Davis that you're planning to refuse treatment. Taking it out on your own body just to spite me—is that really worth it? Is that fair to Mr. Davis and your mom?" More guilt-tripping? I grinned. "Life is as short as a fart. As long as I'm enjoying myself, that's all that matters." Sean froze, then frowned, clearly displeased with my "vulgar language." "Chloe, can you stop acting so neurotic all the time? Look at Audrey. A refined lady like her is much more likable." I dropped my smile. "Sean, did you know? I actually heard the name 'Audrey' a long time ago." Sean stiffened. "That day, you had a little to drink too. You were drunk, holding me, and kept mumbling 'Audrey', 'Audrey'. But the funny part is, I actually thought you were reciting poetry. A sudden look back, and there she is, in the dim, fading light... Ah." I stared at him, without a trace of a smile. "When you looked back, who did you actually see? The fading light, or Audrey?" Sean's face turned pale. He murmured, "Chloe," his hand hovering mid-air, trying to reach for me. Even though he was within arm's reach, it felt like we were separated by life and death. "Sean, tell me the truth. Did you ever love me? Just me, pure and simple, not as a replacement for anyone else?" I looked at him pleadingly. "You don't want me to take your lies to the grave, do you? I just want the truth." Sean lowered his eyes and turned his head. He was silent for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice was hoarse. "You... are more suitable for marriage." I let out a soft "Ah." The silence in my chest was terrifying. It turns out that when a person is about to die, the first thing to go is the heart. And right at that moment, Audrey came sprinting over, her eyes red, and planted a kick square in Sean's back— "Go fuck yourself! Stay away from my sister!" Sean stumbled forward from the kick. When he turned around and saw it was Audrey, his face was a picture of shock. "Audrey?" And Audrey, the "refined lady" he just praised, was shielding me with one hand and pointing right at Sean's nose with the other, screaming at him: "You disgusting piece of trash, stop pretending to be so devoted! You want your cake and to eat it too. White rose, backup plan—you're just playing games and you actually got addicted to it. You really think you're some great romantic, don't you?!" "Audrey, stop." I reached out to stop the enraged Audrey. Seeing this, Sean looked slightly surprised, and even a little touched, as if he was seeing me for the first time. But Audrey was anxious. "Sis, you can't be soft on him! He's just an empty shell of a scumbag! He can't stand being lonely, but he wants to act like a devoted lover. He..." "Audrey, don't do that." I cut her off, shaking my head gently. "Don't just use your words without using your hands." Audrey stared blankly. Sean looked even more incredulous. I took out my lipstick and crossed out the fourth item on the list: 4. Beat up a jerk. I gave Sean a radiant smile. "Sean, I will take my disgust for you to the grave." Then, I kicked him hard.
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