After my childhood sweetheart and I plunged into yet another cold war, I didn't try to coax him out of it like I usually did. My friends tried to advise me. "He's just awkward. He says things he doesn't mean." "A complicated guy like him just needs a patient partner to understand him." But I was truly exhausted, and I didn't want to lower my head anymore. The years of cold wars, arguments, and his constant emotional evasion had worn me down to the point where I couldn't tell anymore—was it just his personality, or did he simply not love me? So, when he threatened me with a breakup once again. I said, "Okay. Let's break up." 01 Hearing me say that, Nolan visibly froze. But I kept my head down, my voice steady as I continued. "I'll pack my things and move out as soon as possible. "We can forget about the furniture we bought together; you can keep it all. "As for the clothes you left at my place, please come get them when you can. Or I can box them up and ship them to you..." In the quiet room, only my voice echoed. The dark cloud on Nolan's face slowly shifted into a blank, icy mask. He suddenly cut me off. "What about Waffles? How are we splitting him?" Waffles was a stray cat I had found at the entrance of our apartment complex. I took him in and paid for all his food and vet bills. But he never really warmed up to me. Eight times out of ten, he wouldn't let me hold him, and he had even scratched my wrist a few times. Nolan, on the other hand, was indifferent to the cat and barely looked at him. Yet Waffles would actively rub against his legs, meowing and begging for his attention. "You can keep him, too." I exhaled a heavy breath. No matter how much you love something, being treated with such blatant favoritism will eventually chill your heart. "Clara." Nolan's voice was tight with suppressed anger. "You're the one who missed Valentine's Day, and now you're the one throwing a tantrum?" But wasn't Nolan the one who brought up breaking up first? Perhaps he forgot. After all, "breaking up" was his favorite phrase. Because he knew the threat worked on me, it became his weapon of choice. "I told you, my flight was delayed. That's why I got back late." Nolan just sneered. "Excuses. Why couldn't you book an earlier flight?" For this business trip, I had worked fourteen-hour days back-to-back to compress my schedule, just so I could make the flight back that very day. But Nolan wouldn't listen. He would just find a hundred other reasons to blame me. So I fell silent. A deep, overwhelming sense of powerlessness washed over me. Nolan took a few steps toward the door, then turned back, his tone freezing. "Until you realize what you did wrong, I'm not coming back." I said, "We are already broken up." But it was as if Nolan didn't even hear me. He tilted his head and continued on his own track. "I'm giving you one last chance. I'm not just mad that you were late." This was the first time he had ever said something like that. Usually, he would just slam the door and leave. Though his tone was still rigid and unforgiving. "Think about it. Then come find me and apologize." 02 I sat on the sofa for a long time. Finally, I dragged my exhausted body up and cleaned the living room. I fished the gift out of the trash can. It was a gift I had spent hours searching for during my trip abroad, carefully handpicked from dozens of stores. But the recipient hadn't even given it a second glance. He didn't cherish it. So, just like the mess scattered across the floor, it was worthless. After cleaning the living room, I went to the bedroom to pack. This was Nolan's apartment. Every corner of the place held traces of my existence. The mugs we picked out together, the throw blankets, the matching dinnerware... I only packed a few pieces of clothing, grabbed my suitcase, and walked out. As I reached the front door, a yellow blur suddenly dashed out. As if trying to stop me, Waffles lay flat right in the middle of the living room, refusing to move. His big, round eyes stared intensely at me. When I first found him, he was dirty, skinny, and malnourished. Now, his fur was fluffy and shiny. He looked incredibly lovable. I crouched down. Uncharacteristically, Waffles didn't reject my touch. I rubbed his head. "I'm leaving. He'll take good care of you from now on." Waffles should be happy with this outcome. After all, he always preferred Nolan. Unlike me, who could never seem to win his affection. I gently pried his claws off my pant leg. Ignoring his distressed meows, I grabbed my suitcase and left. 03 Just as I walked out of the apartment complex, I received a phone call. It was from one of Nolan's friends, Mason. His tone was accusatory. "Clara, why are you and Nolan fighting again? He's at my bar drinking himself half to death, and no one can stop him. "Get over here and take him home. He's going to wreck my place." I felt a wave of exhaustion. "I don't even know why he's mad. He flipped a table the second he walked through the door." There was a pause on the other end of the line, followed by a surprised tone. "You don't know? He found out you had dinner with another guy, and the guy even drove you back to your hotel. Nolan is jealous." I explained, "That was a client. We only had dinner for business, and he drove me because it was pouring rain and I couldn't get an Uber." So that was why Nolan was actually angry. Nolan had always been like this. If I spoke a few extra words to another man, he would get jealous and throw a fit. I knew it was because he loved me and was possessive of me. But right now, I just felt tired. "I could have explained all of that. What I don't understand is..." I spoke softly into the phone. "Why would he rather complain to all of you than just ask me?" I had once asked my best friend what she did when she and her boyfriend fought. She thought about it and said, "It depends on who is in the wrong. We wait until we both calm down, and then we talk it out." But Nolan wouldn't do that. He kept everything bottled up. I never knew why he was angry. I always had to guess, or go ask his friends. I couldn't understand why he refused to communicate with me. I also couldn't understand why he preferred pouring his heart out to his friends rather than just asking me for the truth. Later, I learned a term for it: Emotionally constipated. Nolan was the most emotionally constipated and avoidant person I had ever met. He was sensitive and unpredictable. He only knew how to retreat, hide, and test my boundaries with cold, hurtful words. Everyone says avoidant people aren't fit for relationships. But I didn't believe them. I threw myself at him with everything I had. But now, I was lost. If a relationship requires one person to do all the initiating, all the compromising, and all the guessing... Can it really last? 04 I moved into my own apartment. But we still had to see each other at work. We both worked at the same aerospace research facility, just in different departments. During a project handover, I saw a young woman following close behind Nolan. She had a fresh, innocent vibe. She was a new researcher who had joined this year, named Lily. When Nolan saw me, his eyes instantly lit up. But I didn't look at him. I just calmly went through the handover protocols. Instantly, the warmth vanished from Nolan's face, replaced by a chilling coldness. He stared straight ahead and brushed past me without a single word. I heard Lily gossiping curiously with a coworker. "Why does Mr. Pierce have such a huge scar on his arm? It scared me the first time I saw it." Someone answered her. "You're new, so you don't know. Mr. Pierce and Clara from the neighboring department are the facility's golden couple. "He got that scar during an earthquake drill in college when he protected Clara from falling debris. I heard that because of that scar, he failed the physical to become an Air Force pilot. So he changed his major and eventually came to our research facility instead." Lily's eyes filled with envy. "That is so moving. They really are a golden couple." The gossip ignited the romantic imaginations of everyone around. From Nolan giving up his dream for me, to him applying to the research facility just to be with me. Everyone praised Nolan's deep devotion and expressed their envy toward me. In their eyes, our recent cold war was just a lovers' spat. "I bet my money Clara will be the first to apologize again." "Last time she bought us all Starbucks. What will it be this time? I'm craving cupcakes." "I disagree, that's cheating! When has Clara not been the first to cave? If you bet that Mr. Pierce apologizes first, then I'll take that bet." I stood in the corner, listening to their laughter in silence. But this time, they were all wrong. "Nolan and I have broken up. Please don't bring this up again." My announcement killed the conversation instantly. Everyone exchanged awkward glances and quickly dispersed. The truth was, our relationship was nowhere near as perfect as outsiders thought. The endless cold wars and arguments... Had long since covered our relationship in invisible, irreparable cracks. I really wanted to know. When I stopped trying to fix it, when I stopped trying to save us... Nolan, would you even notice? Would you try to win me back? This time, would you be the one to apologize first? 05 For an entire month. Nolan and I treated each other like strangers. It was a battle of wills, and neither of us was willing to bow our heads. Meanwhile, Lily and Nolan were getting closer. They ate lunch together and left work together. Even during the weekend company retreat, Nolan chose her as his hiking partner. Lily, however, seemed hesitant. "Is this okay? What about Clara?" Nolan's tone was icy. "Didn't we break up? Why should I care what she does?" He didn't lower his voice; everyone around could hear him. "Besides, she loves having dinner with other men. I'm sure she can find someone to hike with her." Instantly, the way people looked at me changed. Whispers broke out. "Nolan is such a great boyfriend and she didn't cherish him. She was out flirting with other guys? No wonder he dumped her." The gossiping crowd only dispersed when I walked closer. Halfway up the mountain, Lily twisted her ankle. Without a word, Nolan crouched down and offered her his back, carrying her up the trail. Lily sounded guilty. "I'm so sorry, Mr. Pierce. I'm going to make us finish last." Nolan comforted her gently. "It's fine. We're just here to relax. The ranking doesn't matter." I was trailing far behind them. There was an odd number of people on this trip, and everyone had already paired up. I didn't want to third-wheel, so I hiked alone. I was never very athletic, and by now, I was panting heavily. Ahead of me, the atmosphere between the two of them was harmonious. I even heard someone praising Nolan for being such a dependable gentleman. 06 Nolan was indeed a very dependable man. He was polite and chivalrous to everyone—except me. In college, he was our class president. During that earthquake drill... Everyone rushed out of the building. He was the only one who ran back in, finding me—who had sprained my ankle a few days prior—and carrying me out on his back. The whole school talked about it, and everyone envied my luck. But at the time, Nolan was actually scolding me. "Do you know how much of a burden you are? If your ankle is sprained, why did you even come to class? "Because of you, our class is going to finish dead last in the drill. "Clara, you literally ruin everything you touch." I actually wanted to tell him that I had already gotten permission from the professor to skip the drill. But listening to his harsh words, I didn't want to argue and make him angrier. Later, his friends told me Nolan just had a sharp tongue but a soft heart. He was worried about my ankle and wanted me to rest at home. Afterward, he even sought out a specialist to get me the best physical therapy patches. "He makes fifty bucks a day at his campus job, but one of those patches costs forty. He didn't even hesitate and bought you a two-week supply." My best friend was so jealous. "He's just awkward, but he truly loves you. That 'tsundere' personality is so romantic." But now, watching Nolan comfort Lily... I realized he wasn't incapable of being gentle. He just refused to be gentle with me. I could only feel his love through the words and actions relayed by other people. I never felt it directly from his attitude toward me. He was always snapping at me, giving me the cold shoulder. Calling me stupid, calling me careless. Cutting up a scarf someone else gifted me, smashing a Nintendo Switch a coworker lent me. I convinced myself he was just jealous, that he just cared too much. And so, after being pushed away time and time again, after being stonewalled time and time again... I would gaslight myself, then force myself to be enthusiastic, apologizing and compromising tirelessly. But... enthusiasm needs to be reciprocated. In this relationship, I wasn't bulletproof. I felt wronged and heartbroken, too. The way an avoidant person acts is so painfully similar to someone who just doesn't love you. I had been hurting for so long that I could no longer tell the difference. Was Nolan truly just emotionally constipated, or did he simply not love me anymore? 07 And so, I stopped walking and withdrew from the retreat. I texted my supervisor, saying I wasn't feeling well. After going home, I boxed up the rest of the things Nolan had left at my place. I included all the gifts he had given me over the years. I called a courier and shipped them all to his apartment. After everything was done, I sat on the sofa in a daze for a while. Then I picked up my phone and sent Nolan a text. Just three simple words. 【Let's break up.】 Last time, I was just saying it out of anger, still harboring the fantasy that he would come back and apologize. But this time, it was real. I really, truly wanted to end it. 08 The message didn't go through. I had forgotten. Nolan had blocked my number again. He always did this. The moment a cold war started, he severed all lines of communication. I pursed my lips and asked his friend to pass on the message. In the past, I used to complain about Nolan using his friends as messengers. I didn't expect that now, I would need to do the same. While sending the text, I accidentally tapped on his friend's Instagram profile. The newest post was a group photo taken at the beach. Right in the center of the photo were Nolan and Lily. Lily was smiling brightly, her arm resting on Nolan's back. Nolan also looked completely relaxed. The post date was from a week ago. Right in the middle of our cold war. I stared at it for a long time, then double-tapped to like it. In the past, Nolan was always busy with his research. He used to say that traveling was an economic lie, a trap of consumerism. "The places you want to go are just the scenery the locals are already sick of looking at." I accommodated him, so we never really traveled anywhere. But now, I suddenly wanted to go somewhere. Perhaps I had also become the scenery Nolan was sick of looking at. So when a younger, prettier girl appeared... He picked a fight and started a cold war. Some people say love is being cold to everyone else but gentle to you. Nolan was the exact opposite. He gave Lily gentle encouragement, but only gave me cold, harsh words. It was my own fault for being oblivious and not seeing the annoyance in his eyes. 09 I took my paid time off and booked a flight to Sedona, Arizona. The scenery there was beautiful, and the food was amazing. While chatting with an elderly local woman, I asked if she ever got tired of living there her whole life. The old woman chuckled. "This is my home. Seeing my home become more beautiful over the years, I only feel pride. How could I ever get tired of it?" She said she loved Sedona, loved her hometown. I had a sudden realization. People can look at the same scenery forever. As long as there is love, there is no boredom. I didn't expect to receive a call from Nolan on my third day there. I didn't know when he had unblocked me. His tone was stiff. "Waffles ran out of food. I don't know which brand to buy." I told him the brand, then added: "You can just use Google Image Search on your phone. You don't need to ask me." Nolan dodged the suggestion. "I threw the bag away." He asked again. "Waffles broke his scratching post. What should I do?" "Buy a new one." "Waffles went out to the patio and rolled in the mud." "Take him to the groomer for a bath." ... Nolan asked a dozen questions, and I answered them all one by one. Then, we both fell silent. I waited a moment. When he didn't say anything else, I said: "I'm hanging up. You can Google how to take care of a cat. Don't ask me anymore." There was a long silence on the other end. Just before I hung up... Nolan finally spoke. "Waffles misses you. Can you come back and see him?" I didn't really believe that. Because of our research, Nolan and I often had to travel for work. Every time Nolan came home, Waffles would wait by the door. When he saw Nolan, he would run up, meowing happily. But not for me. I always had to go find him. I missed him when I was away, but Waffles still didn't care for me. He hid from me. Only with the temptation of cat treats would he reluctantly let me hold him. He never missed me before. Why would he now? I refused. "No. He's your cat now. It's not appropriate for me to go see him." After hanging up, I let out a long breath. I didn't understand the point of Nolan's call. Did he really have questions, or did he just find Waffles to be a nuisance? It made sense. He was always so disciplined, calm, and meticulous. Taking care of a living creature was too difficult and messy for him. I tossed and turned until the early hours of the morning. I picked up my phone and typed a text. 【If you think Waffles is too much trouble, you can give him back to me.】 I was afraid Nolan would lose his patience and mistreat Waffles. If he really got annoyed, what if he abandoned him? It was better if I kept him, even if Waffles didn't like me. I would take responsibility and ensure he had a good life. It was 3 AM, but I didn't expect an instant reply. 【You want Waffles? Even if it means leaving me, you want to take him?】 Before I could respond, another message came through. 【Then what about me?】 But the very next second, the message was unsent. I wondered if I was seeing things. A moment later, Nolan sent another text. 【Send me your location. I'm bringing Waffles to you.】 10 Inside a local coffee shop in Sedona. Nolan walked in carrying a cat carrier. He looked travel-worn, with faint dark circles under his eyes. I didn't expect him to arrive so quickly. Calculating the time, he must have booked the earliest flight right after sending that text. As soon as Waffles saw me, he struggled wildly. The moment he was let out, he immediately darted to my feet and crouched down. He rarely treated me the same way he treated Nolan. He meowed at me affectionately, but this time, I only opened the carrier. I didn't reach out to pick him up. I still had three or four fresh scratch marks on my arm from him. The scars hadn't faded, and my heartbreak was just as real. After receiving Waffles, I prepared to leave. But Nolan stopped me. He pressed his lips tightly together. "Someone told me. That guy you met on your business trip was just a client. It was my fault for not getting the facts straight and losing my temper at you. "And that Instagram post you liked... my friends took me to the beach to clear my head. We just happened to run into Lily, so we all took a group photo together." I stopped and listened quietly to what he had to say. He probably thought I broke up with him because I misunderstood his relationship with Lily. But I hadn't. Even before Lily appeared... Our relationship was already unsustainable. After several attempts, Nolan finally forced the words out. "I'm sorry. The fight last time was my fault." After he said it, his entire face flushed red. His neck was stiff, and he wouldn't even meet my eyes. He looked as if he were enduring a massive humiliation. So I asked him, "Nolan, is apologizing to me really that shameful of a thing for you?" Why was it so hard for Nolan to speak, so humiliating? If apologizing felt like a humiliation to him. If yielding meant admitting defeat... Then what about me, the one who always chose to apologize first and yield first? What did that make me? Nolan's eyes welled with tears. "I thought you knew I was just acting out. Since that day, I've been waiting to make up with you. I didn't want to break up. I just wanted you to coax me." His fingers trembled as he pulled a small velvet box from his pocket. "I got you a gift, too. It's that necklace you've been wanting." Nolan's voice choked up. "Why do you get to just say 'we're broken up' and actually mean it, without any hesitation? "Seven years together, and you walk away so easily. But you only want Waffles, not me." I felt exhausted. I couldn't explain it to him in a way he would understand. He thought my breakup text was just an angry threat because that's exactly what he would do. But when you say hurtful things enough times, they become reality. I said, "I'm not breaking up with you because of anyone else. It's because of your personality. "You constantly refuse to communicate, you're hopelessly avoidant, and you always run away from our problems." Nolan clenched his fists. He turned the blame on me. "In the end, those are all just excuses. It's just because you don't love me enough. "You want to give up on me. You want to give up on us." Nolan repeated it, emphasizing every word, his eyes bloodshot. "Clara, you just don't love me enough." Seven years of chasing him. Seven years of taking the initiative. And in the end, my reward was the accusation that I "didn't love him enough." I asked him, "What about you? Have you ever made a single change because you loved me?" I knew he was avoidant. I knew he was sensitive. I knew he was deeply insecure. So I was always incredibly careful to protect his feelings. I never dared to threaten a breakup in anger. Because I knew that once those words were spoken... With Nolan's pride, he would never bow his head, and we would be over for good. But he could act as recklessly as he wanted, knowing I would always cave. I always tried so hard to be the patient lover who could never be chased away. But loving someone like this was just too exhausting. I took a hundred steps toward Nolan, but he felt that even turning around to look at me was too humiliating. And so, in the end, my love was ground down to nothing. Bearing the guilt of "not loving him enough," I simply didn't want to hold on anymore. We both ended up battered and bruised. The person who loves you the most knows exactly what words will cut you the deepest. So I fired back at Nolan, enunciating every word clearly. "Nolan, no one can tolerate you. "And no one will ever love you like I did. You don't deserve to be loved by anyone." 11 After the trip, I applied for a transfer. I moved to our research facility in Austin, Texas. The equipment there was more advanced, providing me with better career opportunities. Before I left, Lily approached me hesitantly. "Clara, I'm so sorry. I really just happened to run into Mr. Pierce at the beach that time. He was in a really bad mood, which is why he went there to clear his head." I glanced at her, then looked back down at my boxes. "You don't need to apologize to me. Nolan is the one who owes you an apology." The girl was young; she hadn't realized how obvious the adoration in her eyes was. And Nolan getting close to her was definitely intentional. Nolan was a germaphobe, both physically and emotionally. I never doubted his loyalty and faithfulness. I knew he just wanted to make me jealous, to force me to go to him. It was the only tactic he dared to use. During our previous cold wars, I had also tried to make him jealous. I had hoped against hope that it would make him feel a sense of crisis and stop taking his anger out on me. But it didn't. Nolan threw all my belongings out the door. He completely ignored me and even made his friends block my number. That was when I realized those tactics didn't work on him. If I took one step back, he would retreat a hundred steps. Our relationship could only survive if one person clung to it desperately, refusing to let go. And that person was always me.
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