I always thought my A-list husband’s feelings for me were more about duty than desire. He was the stoic type, a man of few words who never whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Then, late one night, I was scrolling through Reddit and stumbled upon a post in r/relationships that was getting absolutely roasted, hundreds of comments deep, for the husband’s clingy, ridiculous complaints. I clicked on the user’s profile. And my blood ran cold. Wasn’t that our cat in the profile picture? 1 Title: [Help] I think my cat is manipulating my wife and I don’t know what to do. Post: So, my wife is a programmer, and I’m kind of a freelancer. We have a cat. Because my wife is a programmer, she makes a great salary, but she’s always busy and works late. The second she gets home, our cat is all over her, and then she only pets the cat. She doesn’t pet me. The cat sleeps all day while I’m home, but the moment my wife’s key is in the door, he’s wide awake and putting on a show. My wife is a programmer, so she’s incredibly smart and kind, and she can’t see the cat’s manipulative little games. Reading the post, I felt my brain physically unwrinkle. This guy was unhinged. Who gets into a turf war with a housecat? I glanced over at the living room, where Ethan Hayes, my husband, was gently combing the fur of our Maine Coon. See? My Ethan was different. He was cool, reserved. For the day-to-day grind of a marriage, that was perfectly fine. Good, even. I kept scrolling through the comments. As expected, the original poster was getting torn to shreds. And his replies were even more pathetic—and hilarious—than his original post. 2 Comment: Why do you keep repeating “my wife is a programmer”? OP’s Reply: I’m not trying to emphasize it, it’s just that I’m sensitive about it. I grew up going to school overseas, then went to drama school. My wife works in Big Tech and was the valedictorian of her university’s science program. My education isn’t on her level, but I know she loves me more than the cat. It’s just that this kind of dynamic probably makes the cat see me as a rival. This guy’s wife sounded a lot like me. But our husbands? Polar opposites. A wicked little laugh escaped my lips. Comment: Big Tech… programmer…? Dude, unless your wife is a C-suite executive, I don’t understand this superiority complex you’re projecting onto her. OP’s Reply: She’s an algorithm engineer. What’s wrong with being an algorithm engineer? That’s what I am. And I still spend my days debugging code and arguing with project managers. It seems we tech girls are finally moving up in the world. We’ve officially become the subject of our husbands’ insecure Reddit posts. I was cackling. Comment: For the last time, intelligence isn’t sexually transmitted. OP’s Reply: But we’re married. I knew people on Reddit would be jealous when I posted this. It’s just human nature. This dude was unbelievable. My head was spinning from laughter. I was about to lock my phone and go to sleep when, out of habit, I tapped on the user’s profile picture for a closer look. My breath caught in my throat. Why… why did that cat look exactly like our C++? 3 I met Ethan Hayes through a mutual friend. I was a coder. He was an Oscar-winning actor. Our worlds should have never collided. But the story I was told was that his family was putting immense pressure on him to get married, and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. That’s how it is when there’s a family empire to inherit, you know? After we signed the papers at City Hall, I made it a point to tell Ethan he should never feel obligated to make our marriage public. His career came first. His agent, Maria, had always been wonderfully warm to me because of that. And as for my A-lister husband? He might have been emotionally distant, but I was long past the age of needing fairytale romances. For a woman constantly exhausted by the corporate grind, Ethan was the perfect husband. He had a face that could make angels weep and a body that was pure, sculpted perfection. Just looking at him after a long day at work was enough to make my dinner taste better. On top of that, he was a neat freak who disliked strangers in our space, which meant he handled almost all the housework. My stress-induced bad eating habits from before we were married completely vanished. I was even losing less hair. Aside from his stamina in bed, which often left me completely wrecked, Ethan was flawless. The fact that he was quiet and a little cold? That wasn’t even a real problem. But I refused to believe, not for a second, that he would be the one posting that unhinged, needy screed on Reddit. Was I just mistaken about the cat? 4 I wanted to dig through the user’s profile for more clues, but just then, Ethan slid into bed, fresh from his shower. “Ethan, slow down… my back isn’t made for this. All I do is sit in a chair all day…” When we were like this, I was the vocal one, crying out his name. Ethan was different. He was always silent, save for the occasional, deep tremor of his breath. I used to wonder if, for him, this was just another marital duty he had to perform. Eventually, I stopped thinking about it. After all, it wasn’t like I wasn’t enjoying myself. He was at the top of every “Sexiest Actors Alive” list for a reason. By the time he was finished, my consciousness was usually floating somewhere near the ceiling. In that hazy state, I heard him mention that Noah wanted to come over tomorrow. He asked if that was okay with me. Noah was the friend who’d introduced us. “Sure,” I mumbled without thinking. “I shouldn’t have to work late tomorrow.” Ethan’s body went still for a second. Then he just nodded, his face as unreadable as ever. For some reason, that Reddit post drifted back into my mind. Even though I was sure it wasn’t him, I instinctively wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in the warmth of his chest. “I saw this funny video today… a skit about a couple where the husband was jealous of their pet,” I murmured against his skin. “I’m glad you’re not like that.” I paused, then added, “But you know, even though I love C++, it’s… it’s a different kind of love than what I have for you.” “I love you the most.” His hand began to stroke my hair, a slow, steady rhythm. But he said nothing. I let out a breath, but the knot of anxiety in my chest didn't loosen the way I’d hoped. Of course it wasn’t him. Ethan Hayes wasn’t the type to care about things like that. Love? He’d seen it all in Hollywood. He married me for stability, not for a grand romance. 5 The next day at noon, Ethan’s assistant showed up at my office like clockwork, carrying a thermal lunch container. When we first got married, I’d complained offhandedly that the company cafeteria food was too greasy. Ever since, for three years, rain or shine, his assistant had delivered my lunch, unless Ethan was on location for a film shoot. The professionalism was astounding. I never knew where the assistant bought the food, but it was always light, delicious, and exactly to my taste. I’d asked a few times, but he’d always just mumbled something and changed the subject. My coworker, Sarah, saw me return to my desk with the container and gave me a playful nudge. “Thea, your husband is just the sweetest. Having his assistant bring you lunch every day? Even the newlyweds in our department aren’t this doting.” She winked. “I’d almost believe he cooked it himself.” “Oh, stop,” I said, laughing. “My husband’s way too busy for that. He’d burn water.” While Ethan had scaled back to doing only one film a year, he’d pivoted to working behind the scenes in production and investment. A man like him was career-focused. I was sure I understood him perfectly. Ben, a junior dev who had just joined the team, chimed in. “Seriously, Thea, where does your husband order from? That looks amazing. I’d have so much more energy to argue with the product team if I ate like that.” But as we were laughing, a sharp voice cut through the air. “Thea, don’t tell me you’re being kept by some rich old man.” “You always talk about how wealthy and good to you your husband is, so how come we’ve never even seen a picture of him?” 6 The speaker was Jessica. We’d started at the company around the same time, but her career hadn’t progressed as quickly as mine. She had a habit of taking little jabs at me, but I rarely took the bait. Ben jumped to my defense. “Jessica, that’s a horrible thing to say. Thea’s posted her marriage certificate on Instagram. Maybe her husband just values his privacy.” Jessica raised an eyebrow. “Oh, right. The one where his face was conveniently blurred out. How ugly does he have to be?” I offered a serene smile. “He’s as handsome as the actor on your phone’s lock screen.” “There’s a limit to how much you can lie,” she sneered, rolling her eyes. “My lock screen is Ethan Hayes. No one is as handsome as Ethan Hayes.” She leaned back in her chair, triumphant. “You should stop pretending your sugar daddy is some great prize. If you ask me, love is more important in a marriage. There’s no way I could bring myself to kiss some rich old pig.” This was why I never argued with Jessica. She was, of all things, an Ethan Hayes superfan. The irony was so thick it was suffocating. But to be honest, a small part of what she said wasn’t entirely wrong. Ethan had never actually told me he loved me. Our marriage, it seemed, was indeed missing a little bit of love. 7 A sudden wave of melancholy washed over me. To distract myself, I opened Reddit. The first thing I saw in r/relationships was that familiar cat avatar. He’d posted again. The new post was already trending, sitting right at the top of the page. Title: [UPDATE] Misunderstanding cleared up. My wife told me she loves me the most, more than the cat! Post: I didn’t expect my last post to generate so much discussion. At first, I was a little angry, but only at the cat. Last night, after we, you know, did it, my wife held me and told me she loves me the mostest. We’re just that in love in real life. Turns out I was just overthinking things. My wife is super in love with me. Of course, the comment section was a fresh hellscape of people dragging him, intentionally picking at his insecurities. But the OP was completely lost in his own world. Comment: Maybe your technique is bad and she was just trying to soothe your fragile ego, bro. OP’s Reply: Not a chance~ I swim and work out every single day. My wife can’t get enough of my pecs. We’ve been married for three years and we still do it four times a week. Comment: This is all in your head. The reality is your wife is a slobby, straight-girl programmer who can’t be bothered with you. OP’s Reply: I know a lot of people are jealous because they don’t have what I have. The fact is, my wife is smart AND beautiful. She’s an amazing programmer. I had to pull out all the stops to win her over, and I still cook for her every day. I feel incredibly lucky. My face contorted. I felt like I was forgetting how to read. I clicked on his profile and saw that he’d made dozens of posts just like this, each one dripping with a desperate, show-offy neediness. Now that his post had gone viral, people were flooding his entire history to mock him. I was about to close the app when he posted a new update. Post: My wife said the cafeteria at her work is too greasy, so I’ve been making her lunch and having my assistant drop it off. She loves my cooking and keeps asking the assistant where he buys it from. She’s so cute~ A super smart and amazing programmer like my wife needs to eat healthy to stay at the top of her game. My hand trembled, and I scrolled down. The next image was a picture of a thermal lunch container. One that was intimately, terrifyingly familiar. It was the one I was eating out of right now.
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