I was bound to an Evil Sidekick System, but I’m a cat. The system sighed. [Whatever, the plot's already a mess. Go seduce the male lead.] By day, he was unmoved: "It's just a cat." When no one was looking, he’d squat down: "Who's my widdle fuzzy-wuzzy!!!" The system told me I had to leave, play the "White Moonlight" role. I had to wait for the male lead to get with the substitute female lead, then reappear. The three-year-timer went off. I cracked my claws. For cat's sake. Let's see what this "substitute" is all about. 1 When the so-called male lead appeared, I strolled over, rubbed against his jeans, and gave his ankle a little tail-curl. "Meow." Then, I executed a perfect 10/10 flop onto the pavement. Human. Look at me. I dare you to feel nothing. Gasps erupted around us. "Oh my god, oh my god!" "Duchess! She's so friendly!" "That is a quality cat. A true gentle-kitty." Every time I meowed, a human would meow back. The guy next to the male lead looked jealous. "Liam, what'd you do? Duchess is all over you." Anyone else would have been a puddle on the ground, phone out, snapping pictures. But Liam, unused to the attention, just took a step back. His voice was flat. "I don't know. I don't have time for this. I'm leaving." And he just... left. I stared at his retreating back. Wait. He... he just walked away?? 2 I had a reason for approaching Liam. I was happily employed in the "Operation: Mooch from Naive College Students" program. They named me Duchess because my "Cat Morals" were impeccable. Life was good, except for one small annoyance: I hadn't heard a normal human voice in months. It was all baby talk. "Who's a widdle kitty-witty? Who's my precious baby? Yeeeees." And the meowing. So much meowing. Not from me. From them. Still, I was set. I was going to be the beloved campus cat for life. Until this "Evil Sidekick System" thing bound itself to me. A second later, it went stiff. [Wait. Why are you a cat?] [My data said to bind with the most famous female on campus! I was supposed to get the freakin' Campus Belle!] I flicked my tail. Old-school system. These days, the campus belle has nothing on the campus cat. It tried again, cautiously: [Um. Meow? Would you be interested in a side hustle? Great benefits.] I was confused. [A side what?] The system realized it couldn't unbind. It started to short-circuit, sobbing about how it "only bound the wrong person, it wasn't a bad system," and then it started humming "Mr. Brightside." I took pity on it and allowed it to pet me, hoping it would shut up. It petted me and cried at the same time. So annoying. [Fine,] I finally hissed. [What do you want? What's in it for me?] It brightened. [If you complete the mission... I can make you human!] Me: [So you can't help me at all? Useless. And why would I want to be human?] System: [Uh... you can eat more stuff? And you live longer? Like, 80 or 90 years!] I was unimpressed. [Eat more 'stuff' like 'crow'? Live longer to 'pay bills'? No thanks. What's the job?] It went quiet. [Okay, I have an idea. The plot's weird anyway. Just... go seduce the male lead.] It braced for rejection. I just blinked. [That's it?] So, I swaggered over. And he walked right past me. Fine, human. You've successfully piqued my interest. 3 It was dark when Liam finally returned to his dorm. He fumbled his keys, and they slipped, rattling down a storm drain. He squatted by the curb, staring into the abyss. "A magnet... I need to find a magnet..." This was my chance. I trotted up next to him, and he immediately scooped me up. Liam smirked. "Cats like watching drama, huh?" I gave him a warning hiss. Put me down. He got the message. "Fine, you little brat." You're the brat. I ignored him, stuck a paw through the grate, hooked the keyring with one claw, and flicked it out onto the sidewalk. Liam looked genuinely shocked. "Are all cats this smart?" I puffed out my chest. That's right, human. Bet you want to pet me now, don't you? A quiet laugh. "Smug little thing." He gently rubbed my head. "Thanks," he said, "but I can't get too close." "If I get scratched, I'd need a rabies shot." "And... I can't afford one." I tilted my head. "Mrrow?" Rabies? From a cat scratch? I asked the system. [He's a poor student. Works three jobs to cover tuition and living expenses. He's not kidding. A rabies shot would wreck his budget.] Me: [What does that have to do with anything?] System: [...Right, you're a cat. It's a vaccine humans get if they're bitten or scratched by an animal, just in case.] Me: [Ugh. Pathetic male lead. Can't even handle one scratch.] Humans. So fragile. [So I just have to not scratch him?] Right. I could work with that. 4 My campaign began. His attitude softened day by day. It went from: "Don't come over here." To: "I said don't come over." To: "Fine, come over." To: "Come here." To: "Here." Three months later, he could still say (publicly): "It's just a cat." But at night, when no one was around, he'd drop his bag, squat down, and whisper-shout: "MY LITTLE FLUFF-NUGGET!" I didn't even have to do anything anymore. Me: [Literally just breathing.] Liam: [Such skill! Such calculated affection!] System: [This guy's personality switch is giving me whiplash.] I purred on his lap, flicking my tail. [What? You mean this isn't a universal talent?] System: [I'm starting to think Cleopatra's secret weapon wasn't her beauty. It was just a cat.] 5 Liam started bringing me food. He'd seen other students give me the fancy stuff—Sheba, Tiki Cat. He apologized for only bringing me a bag of Meow Mix. Me: [Awesome. Second dinner.] Today, he brought a Churu tube. I loved this stuff. I buried my face in it. Liam, ever frugal, started squeezing the tube from the bottom, rolling it up like toothpaste to get every last drop. He squeezed a little too hard. BONK. The tube hit me right in the face. I froze. He hit me. Liam froze, too. He looked horrified. Then, he looked at the tube, wound up, and slapped it. "Bad tube!" he hissed. "Bad!" I cautiously leaned in again. He went back to squeezing. BONK. He hit me again. He was still hitting me. This human is trying to murder me with a meat-paste delivery system. I’d had enough. I gave him the BAP-BAP-BAP right on his face. How dare you, sir. I am not to be trifled with. It was the first time I'd hit him. He just stared, then said quietly, "When a cat slaps you... the first thing you feel is the toe beans." Me: [?] I hissed and stalked off. I felt a little bad. I'd kept my claws in, but if humans were really that fragile, had I broken him? The next day, he wasn't there. The day after, I waited by his dorm. His roommates left for class. No Liam. I panicked. [System! Did I kill him?!] System: [The odds of death-by-toe-bean are low... but not zero? Hold on, he's not dead.] I followed his scent, slipped through a gap in his dorm's window screen, and found him. He was just in bed. Oh. Sleeping. I hopped up and nudged him. Hey. My bad about the BAP-BAP. Wake up, pet me, and accept my apology. He didn't move. I walked up to his face and sniffed. You're... really warm today. And you smell... bitter.
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