My snake has been acting weird lately. She's always sneaking around, trying to steal my iPad, nearly bashing her own head in several times. Curious, I unlocked the iPad, casually left it next to her enclosure, and set up a high-def camera. The next morning, I shot up in bed— She has a "SnekBook" account! I watched my snake painstakingly tap the screen with the tip of her tail, typing: [My owner keeps saying I feel rough and prickly. How do I tell her the heating pad is shocking me?] Attached was a selfie.jpg I refreshed the page, and hundreds of comments popped up. Other snakes were roasting her: "Where did a basic Rat Snake like you get an owner? And a heating pad? You can lie to the homies, but don't lie to yourself." The next day, I peeked at her cautiously. She was curled up in a dark corner, sulking. So angry she went mute. 1 After my brother died in a car accident, I was left alone in the house. I often visited his and our parents' graves. One day, on the way there, I accidentally stepped on what I thought was a thick garden hose. I looked down. It was a snake! I almost died of fright! Instinctively, I grabbed a stick nearby, terrified it would bite me. But the snake just looked at me, flattened itself, and slithered away. ? That night, I had a dream. I dreamed that snakes have their own social media called SnekBook. The snake I stepped on went home and posted about me, trying to shame me. But instead, all the other snakes roasted her. [If you didn't bite, don't post. You're embarrassing us.] [Don't push coward content to my feed.] [Certified wimp. My venom glands hurt just reading this.] They even added her to a group called "Useless Losers" for periodic check-ins. The snake fainted from anger. I woke up laughing. I used to be terrified of snakes, but now, the little thing seemed kinda cute? But when I opened my front door, there she was! The snake, looking dusty and disheveled. She had tied herself into a loop and hung herself on my door handle, like she was trying to prove she wasn't a coward by "hanging herself on the southeast branch." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I tried to get her down carefully, but the poor thing was terrified. Trying to intimidate me, she bit her own tail tip. Hard. Snap. Bone fracture. Me: "..." The snake hissed at me righteously—showing me her tail. ? Excuse me? I stepped on you, so you bite yourself, and now I'm responsible? Is this fair? But if I hadn't stepped on her, she wouldn't have come all this way to hang herself on my door. I was conflicted. It's a snake! What if she bites me? Just then, an AC repairman walked by. He saw the snake and his eyes lit up! "A Rat Snake! Perfect for snake soup!" The snake froze, tail stop shaking. I froze too. Seeing him reach for the snake, I panicked. "Sir! That snake is venomous! It bites!" The repairman didn't care. "Nah, it's just a Rat Snake. Non-venomous." Seeing the snake about to meet its maker, I made a split-second decision. I took off my jacket, grabbed the snake, stuffed her into a bubble tea bag, and threw her into my apartment. "That's my pet!" The repairman walked away, cursing. "Should have said so! Wasting my time!" ... I closed the door and stared at the bag on the floor. The bag moved. A small head poked out, staring at me in terror. What do I do now? I took photos, looked up the species, searched "how to raise a snake" on Reddit, and found the nearest exotic pet vet. Terrified, I used chopsticks to poke her head back in and rushed to the vet. Well, she's here now. Gotta be responsible. ... At the hospital, I asked the vet cautiously. "Cats and dogs wear cones so they don't lick their wounds. Do snakes need that?" The vet, experienced and calm, asked back: "Look at her. Where would you hang it?" I sheepishly let go of the leash I was looking at. The bill came. Four figures. Damn! Exotic vets are highway robbery! Half a day later, I returned home, eyes dead, carrying a pile of supplies, a bag of pinky mice, and a vivarium. If this was the snake's revenge... She succeeded. That night, the snake proved she wasn't useless. I was sleeping when I heard rustling in the living room. Groggily, I opened my eyes just as a gray shadow darted over me. I screamed like a banshee. But then! The snake easily headbutted open the "escape-proof" lid I paid a fortune for and chased the shadow like lightning! After catching the mouse, she paraded around the apartment like a conquering general. Finally, she dropped the dead mouse in front of me—plop—and hissed triumphantly. I stared at her with dead eyes, then at the expensive "escape-proof" tank. My sky collapsed. 2 I realized this snake was weird. She was interested in my iPad and phone? Whenever I lay on the couch scrolling, a small head would peek out nearby, peeping. Several times, I found my phone in camera mode with two tiny puncture marks on the screen protector. The gallery was full of extreme close-up snake selfies. Who was the culprit? A mystery. Especially after I fell asleep, she would sneakily try to steal my iPad, nearly smashing her own head in the process. Curious about what she wanted, I unlocked the iPad, "accidentally" left it by her tank, and set up a camera. In the middle of the night, the snake squeezed out of the glass gap, flattened herself, and expertly woke the iPad screen with her tail tip. Then I sat up in bed— She has a SnekBook account! I watched her tap the screen with her tail, typing: [My owner keeps saying I feel rough and prickly. How do I tell her the heating pad is shocking me?] Attached: Selfie.jpg I refreshed. Hundreds of comments roasting her. "Where did a basic Rat Snake get an owner? And a heating pad? Stop lying to yourself." The next day, I checked on her. She was curled in a dark corner, a ball of misery. Autistic from anger. 3 I was too curious. While the Rat Snake slept, I secretly opened her SnekBook. Her profile pic was a selfie. Clearly taken by holding the phone in her mouth. Extreme close-up. Scrolling up, I actually found the post about her being stepped on! So my dream wasn't a dream! This snake loved to overshare. But. Every. Single. Post. Was added to the "Loser" group by other snakes. Including but not limited to: [A human came while I was eating! I ate as fast as I could while vibrating my tail to scare them off!] I made the "grandpa looking at phone" face—shouldn't a scared snake regurgitate and run??? But reading further, I couldn't laugh anymore. Hit by a kid with a rock, head bleeding. Chased by a cat. Coming to find me was the first time she summoned courage... she even made a flower wreath. And bit her own tail. ... I scrolled up, my heart aching. Snakes have a hard life in the city. Except for a few exotic pet owners, most people either scream or throw rocks. Honestly, even venomous snakes are terrified of people. They only bite as a last resort, thinking, I'm dying anyway, taking you with me. Humans are giants to them. They're scared to death; why would they attack? I looked at the snake sleeping belly-up next to me. Whatever. Extra frozen mouse for the kid today. Just then, a DM notification popped up on her SnekBook. She didn't wake up, just scratched her head with her tail tip and rolled over. Respecting her privacy, I quietly put the iPad back. But when I came back from a job interview, the snake was gone!!! 4 I panicked, tearing the house apart. I even unpacked my winter clothes, thinking she burrowed in there. Nothing. She can't bark, so calling her was useless! I was desperate! Then I remembered the pet cam. I checked it, and my world collapsed again. She went out! This is Guangdong. If she goes out, she's soup!!! Wait— I remembered the SnekBook on the iPad. I logged in and checked the DMs. She was invited out by another snake. The other snake's profile pic was a cute, Extreme Red Albino Hognose. High EQ: "Chubby baby, so expensive!" Low EQ: "Wiggles like a fancy maggot." Both species are known for low IQ and tail-biting. No wonder they're friends! The Hognose was polite: "Hello Snake. I saw your post about being stepped on via 'Nearby Snakes.' Do you have wilderness survival experience? I only know how to escape my tank. My owner fainted. Can you tell me how to get out? I want to find help." My Rat Snake, Cola (I named her!), was enthusiastic. "Sure! Where do you live?" "I'll teach you how to open the door hiss hiss—" ? The address the Hognose gave... holy crap, it's the apartment above mine. Unit 3102. I rushed out. Never mind how a snake reaches the elevator button. Did they think about this? One costs $2,000, the other costs the price of a vegetable dish. If they go out together, the Hognose's owner might post a reward. But Cola? Am I supposed to fish her out of someone's soup pot?! Time was critical! The elevator dinged. I rushed out and met Cola, who had slithered up the stairs, panting. ...Okay then. Seeing me, Cola froze. Behind me, the door to 3102 clicked open. A flat, red-and-white head poked out. Seeing me, the Hognose stiffened. Tongue flick, belly up, play dead. Oscar-worthy performance. I looked at Cola, Cola looked at me. Just as she prepared to bolt, the Hognose's concern for its owner overrode its instinct. It cried and crawled over. "...Hiss hiss hiss hiss." ? Don't understand. Need SnekBook. But Cola understood. She looked at me pitifully. The Hognose overcame its fear, crawling over, playing dead every other step. ...Honestly, the wiggling really looked like a big-headed maggot. My morals and my sense of humor fought a fierce battle. Morals won. I held it in. I followed the Hognose inside. A young man was lying on the floor. I peeked. Whoa, handsome. But no time to admire. I checked his breathing—he was alive. I didn't dare move him, so I called 911. While waiting for the ambulance, the Hognose was anxious. It stared at me, afraid I'd leave. The room was a mess. Spilled water cup, knocked over terrarium... The little guy really tried hard to make noise. Unlike Cola, he was short and fat. Who knows how much effort it took to contact help. I felt a pang of sympathy. Good baby! Until I saw him skillfully wiggle onto an iPad and unlock it with his belly pattern. Never mind.
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