"It's for your own good," Mom said. "Tough love." After submitting my college applications, I was happily using the credit card linked to my mom's account to buy dorm supplies. But then she stormed into my room. "You could have gotten into Harvard or Stanford! Why didn't you apply?" I explained that my scores were barely on the cutoff line, and it was better to go to a top-tier state university for the major I actually loved. Mom sneered. "You have zero ambition. Just like your deadbeat father." "Since you have so many ideas of your own, then don't use my money." She announced that the $5,000 limit on the linked card was all I would get for my entire college career. Subtracting what I'd just spent on essentials, I had exactly $4,000 left for four years. 1 My phone buzzed. A notification from the banking app popped up. Current Balance: $4,000.00. I had just placed an order for the recommended dorm bedding set and some other necessities, spending exactly a thousand dollars. Mom pushed the door open, her face devoid of warmth. She glanced at my phone screen, the corner of her mouth curling into a sarcastic smirk. "Lily, did you buy everything you need for move-in day?" I nodded, feeling a little uneasy. "Pretty much, Mom." "Good." She pulled out my desk chair and sat opposite me. "From today until you graduate college, this remaining four thousand dollars is all you get." "I've already paid your tuition. Consider that the fulfillment of eighteen years of raising you." "Living expenses, housing, utilities, and any dating you might do in the future—it all comes out of this." My brain buzzed as if I'd been hit by a sledgehammer. "Mom, how can four thousand dollars last four years? That's only a thousand a year..." "That's your problem." She cut me off, her voice ice cold. "You chose this path. You gave up Harvard, gave up the best future." "I told you long ago, with your scores, if you just pushed a little harder, the doors to the Ivy League would open for you." I clenched my fists. "But the program I like at UCLA is ranked number one in the country. I hate that major at Harvard, and my scores were borderline anyway. I'd be at the bottom of the class, stressed out of my mind." "Excuses." She scoffed. "Incompetence is just incompetence. Don't find so many high-sounding reasons for yourself." "You're just mud that can't stick to the wall, exactly like your useless father." Outside the door, I heard my dad cough weakly. He probably heard everything but didn't dare come in. My chest tightened. 2 Mom stood up, looking down at me. "I've said my piece. If you want to prove your choice was right, then use this four thousand dollars and make something of yourself." "Don't come crawling back to me when you're starving." With that, she turned and left. The door clicked shut with a dull thud, cutting off the last shred of warmth between us. I opened the chat with Mom. The last message was from yesterday. Me: Mom, I bought my plane ticket to LA! Arriving morning of Sept 1st! Mom: Got it. Be safe out there alone. In just twenty-four hours, my world had turned upside down. I slumped in my chair, looking out the window. The sky was darkening, and the city lights flickered on one by one, but none of them could light up the darkness inside me. Dad walked in with a bowl of soup, placing it carefully on my desk. "Lily, your mom just has that temper. Don't take it to heart." I looked at him, eyes rimmed with red. "Dad, four thousand dollars, four years. How am I supposed to live?" He sighed, avoiding my gaze. "Your mom is just angry right now. She'll cool down." "Just go along with her for now. When she gives you money later, just take it." "Dad, it's not about going along with her, it's..." He waved his hand, interrupting me. "Alright, drink the soup before it gets cold." He hurried out of my room. I knew that in this house, Mom was the absolute dictator. Dad never dared to go against her. Counting on him was useless. 3 On move-in day, my friend Chloe's parents drove us to the airport. We lived in the same neighborhood. Mom used "work" as an excuse to make me hitch a ride with them. Chloe's mom enthusiastically helped me lift my suitcase into the trunk, chattering away. "Lily is amazing, getting into such a top school. Bright future ahead." Chloe's dad nodded with a smile. "Yeah, unlike our Chloe who's just going to a regular state college." I forced a smile uglier than a cry. Chloe noticed something was wrong and nudged my arm in the back seat. I shook my head and turned to look out the window. As the car drove out of the neighborhood, I saw my mom's car parked by the curb not far away. She hadn't left. She just watched coldly as I drove away. I dragged my massive suitcase alone and squeezed onto the shuttle bus at LAX. The bus was crowded and smelled of stale coffee and sweat. I leaned against the window, watching the palm trees flash by. UCLA was beautiful, bathed in California sunshine. But I wasn't in the mood to appreciate it. Check-in, getting my ID, moving luggage to the dorm... by the time I was done, it was evening. It was a triple room. My two roommates had already arrived. Their parents were busy making beds, hanging fairy lights, and fussing over them. The mom of one girl, Sarah, grabbed my hand warmly. "Sweetie, where are your parents? How come you're doing this all alone?" I forced a smile. "They're busy. I'm used to being independent." Sarah's mom looked heartbroken. She pulled an apple from her bag and stuffed it into my hand. "We're all family here. If you need anything, just ask Sarah. Don't be shy." Holding the cold apple, I felt a warmth spread in my chest. That night, my roommates suggested going out for a nice dinner to celebrate the start of college. I looked at the glaring "$4,000" on my phone screen and hesitated. "I... I'm a little tired. I want to rest early. You guys go." Sarah saw my embarrassment and smiled. "Hey, don't be like that! My treat tonight! Consider it a welcome gift!" It was hard to refuse, so I followed them to a popular restaurant near campus. The meal came out to about $50 per person. Watching Sarah swipe her card without blinking, I had mixed feelings. That one meal was almost half my monthly budget if I strictly rationed. 4 Orientation week was long and exhausting. Under the hot sun, we toured the campus and sat through endless lectures. Sweating through my T-shirt. After dismissal, roommates would rush to the campus store for iced lattes and snacks. I could only walk silently to the water fountain and fill my bottle with lukewarm tap water. At the end of the week, there was a freshman mixer. The RA posted in the group chat, telling everyone to dress up and have fun. Roommates rummaged through suitcases, discussing makeup looks. I opened my suitcase. Aside from a few T-shirts and jeans, there was nothing. All the pretty dresses I used to love were locked in the wardrobe at home. Before I left, Mom had said coldly, "Going to study that useless major, who are you dressing up for? Having clothes on your back is enough." At the mixer, wearing a faded T-shirt, I sat in the corner like an outsider. Sarah, in a beautiful floral dress, sang a song on stage and won a round of applause. After getting off stage, she ran to me and handed me a soda. "Lily, why aren't you mingling? It's boring sitting here alone." I shook my head. "I can't sing or dance." She pulled my hand. "Come on, I'll introduce you to some people." Dragged by her, I met a few upperclassmen from my department. They were impressive and articulate. A senior asked me, "Lily, what was your SAT score? To get into this competitive program, you must be smart." Before I could speak, Mom called. I walked to a quiet corner to answer. "Hello, Mom." "What are you doing?" Her voice was devoid of emotion. "At... at the school mixer." "Oh? Having fun, I see. Is the money enough?" Hope sparked in my heart. "Mom, I..." "Just asking." She chuckled lightly. "Don't expect me to send you another cent. You chose this path. Even if you have to crawl, you finish it." She hung up. The noise of the party seemed to come from far away. I just felt cold all over. 5 My first month of college was like a monk's penance. I ate the cheapest meal plan options, never bought snacks or fruit. To save money, I frantically searched online for part-time jobs. Flyering, waitressing, tutoring... But most jobs required large blocks of time, and my class schedule was packed. I could only find temporary gigs with low hourly pay. The first weekend, I went downtown to hand out flyers for a gym. Standing all day, throat dry, legs like lead. In the end, I got paid $60 cash. On the bus back to campus, I almost fell asleep from exhaustion. Watching the streetlights blur past, I doubted my choice for the first time. If I had listened to Mom and gone to the school she wanted, would I not be suffering like this? Back in the dorm, Sarah and the others were discussing plans for Fall Break. "Let's go to Santa Barbara! I heard the beaches are amazing!" "Yes! I've been wanting to go!" They chattered away, no one noticing the fatigue on my face. I climbed silently into my bunk, drew the curtain, and shut out the world. To save money, I ate two meals a day. A bagel for breakfast, lunch at the cafeteria where I worked part-time. Dinner was skipped. I lost weight visibly. My clothes started hanging off me. Sarah couldn't stand it. She started bringing me food under various pretenses. "Lily, if you keep this up, you'll ascend to heaven before graduation." She stuffed a warm burrito into my hand. Holding the hot food, my eyes stung. "Sarah, thank you." "Don't mention it." She sighed. "Your mom is too much. Doesn't she know you're suffering here?" She knew. Of course she knew. She enjoyed the feeling of controlling me, of punishing me.
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