I'm nearsighted. I went to the convenience store where Jax worked part-time to buy some gum and accidentally grabbed a box of condoms instead. "Three boxes?" The hand he was using to ring me up paused. His lips curved into a half-smirk. I shot back, full of righteous indignation, "Don't worry about it. They'll all get used." … And they were. All in one night. 1 I have high myopia, severe astigmatism, and congenital night blindness. If I take my glasses off, I can’t see people’s mouths move, which actually affects my ability to hear them. When I can't see, I get frustrated. When I get frustrated, I frown. Add to that my fast-paced, distracted way of walking, and I completely miss classmates who give me a small wave in the hallway. Over time, thanks to my menacing expression and terrible eyesight, I’ve managed to single-handedly avoid ninety-nine percent of all social interaction. By the time I realized what was happening, I had already been branded the "gloomy guy." Even when I tried to explain, people would either look right through me or actively dodge me. One time, I finally worked up the nerve to apologize to someone I'd accidentally ignored, only to realize I’d cornered a kid from the class next door. After I finished my mumbled apology, he just stared at me, bewildered, then waved his hands frantically and backed away like he’d seen a ghost. As I walked past the classroom door, I heard him complaining to his friend: "Dude, that was so creepy! I was just walking, and this cold-looking glasses kid suddenly blocks my path. His eyes were darting around behind me, and he had this super weird grin while he was apologizing for not recognizing me earlier. I've never even seen him before! It totally freaked me out." "Ew, get away from me. You sure you're not haunted or something?" "Shut up!" … For the record, I'm just a guy who can't make eye contact. Psychic abilities are currently beyond my skill set. 2 It's been a nightmare. Every attempt I make at being social just makes me seem even weirder to everyone else. A string of blunders has cemented my status as the campus freak: I once mistook a sack on the ground for a fainted student and tried to help it up. During P.E., I lined up with the trash cans. I’ve even lectured a traffic cone about the dangers of standing in the middle of the road. Everyone gives me a wide berth, retreating to a safe distance before turning to whisper about my "fascinating mental state." The only exception is Jax. "LEO WHITE—!" He’d bounce and holler like one of those pop-up ads you can never close, starting his sprint from two hundred yards away. He'd make an impossible amount of noise the entire way, finally getting right in my face to say hi. "Finally found you! We've got the fitness test next period. Let's be partners, yeah?" Jax had a death grip on my sleeve, making it clear he wouldn't let go until I agreed. His grin was goofy, like a golden retriever’s. I thought about it for zero seconds. "No." It was a ridiculous request. I rejected it outright. Was he kidding? The two of us together would look like a blaring trumpet dragging along a silent, despairing cello. The optics were just too bizarre. Besides, we barely knew each other. I figured he'd back off after being rejected. But no. Jax's approach to social interaction is basically a home invasion. The idea that a minor setback could stop him from making his presence known was pure fantasy. For the next few days, I constantly felt a pair of eyes on me. When I ate, he spied on me. When I left class, he tailed me. When I was in the library, I'd find him sitting directly across from me. I even saw him lurking near the dumpsters when I was taking out the trash. It wasn't that he was clueless; he was deliberately trying to get my attention, eagerly waiting for me to give him a disgusted look. He seemed to get a kick out of it. Finally, I snapped. "Hey, what the hell do you want?" He showed no shame at being caught, just grinned. "I want to apologize." "?" "At first, I saw you walking around with that 'I hate the world' look on your face, ignoring everyone, so I told my friends you were just a pretentious prick. Ahem, sorry about that," Jax said, scratching his cheek, completely unembarrassed by his ill-timed epiphany. "But I've noticed you're like that with everyone. You're not arrogant, you're just blind." I felt my fist clench. 3 Even with a bruised face, Jax was relentless, buzzing around me like a hyperactive fly. He was unbelievably loud. With his face a canvas of black and blue, he declared his mission was to make my life more "colorful." During lunch break, the door to the rooftop was kicked open with a bang. I turned, and unsurprisingly, there was Jax, strolling in like he owned the place. "Whoa, so this is where you hide out! Nice spot. I was wondering why I never saw you in the cafeteria," he said, clicking his tongue. Then, faster than I could react, he snatched my lunchbox. "Chewing on a few leaves is so boring. Eat enough of that, and you'll be mooing your way back to the pasture. Let's trade." Before I could process what was happening, a container of braised pork appeared in my left hand, and another with sweet and sour ribs in my right. Then he looked around, and, as if making an offering, lined up a row of rice balls in front of me. "Eating with a view. This is the life," Jax said, plopping down beside me and digging into my salad without a hint of shame. How can someone have such a complete lack of personal boundaries? I was furious. "I thought you said it was just leaves? Why are you eating it?" "I have pica," he said without looking up. I couldn't win. Frustrated, I stared down at the ridiculously lavish lunch in front of me. The rice balls were different flavors, and he had even warmed them all up. I understood, of course. He wouldn't have known I was missing from the cafeteria if he hadn't been specifically looking for me. It's just… I was used to sharp-edged malice. I didn't know how to deal with this unexpected sweetness. With a complicated swirl of emotions, I picked up a piece of pork and chewed it slowly. Out of the corner of my eye, I could almost see a non-existent tail wagging happily. After that, Jax showed up on the rooftop every day at noon, uninvited, loud, and carrying bags of food, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. 4 Jax’s original goal may have been to apologize, but you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Besides, I wasn't angry with him anymore. I just figured he was missing a screw, a guy who said whatever was on his mind, even spouting childish insults right to your face. At least he was honest, which was better than people who sulked and made you guess what was wrong. Once I'd made peace with that, I turned to him during lunch one day. "Is there anything you need my help with?" A second ago, Jax had been complaining about how the temperature was dropping so fast it was like a bad DJ was scratching on the thermometer. My question shut him up instantly, a look of utter confusion on his face. "What's that all about? Why the sudden offer? Are you serious?" "Of course, I'm serious. Friends should help each other out," I said, gesturing to all the food he’d brought. "It can't just be you giving all the time. You're not a dog…" My words were cut off by his goofy laugh. "Heh heh. Friends. Heh heh." Was that really the most important part of what I said? I was speechless. The steam from the food was fogging up my glasses. I decided to wipe them clean and ask him again. But as soon as I took them off, Jax's hand shot up without warning and knocked them right out of my grasp. My glasses sailed through the air in a graceful, tragic arc before shattering on the concrete. After a moment of stunned silence, I cracked my knuckles, a serene, murderous smile on my face. "You had better have a very good explanation for this." "It was an accident, I swear," Jax wailed, shrinking back, his voice trembling. "I was just reaching for a rice ball." 5 Jax is my personal curse. I came to this conclusion within three minutes of losing my glasses. He'd crashed into my life like a human beagle, yapping and destroying everything in his path. Without my glasses, the world was a featureless blur. I grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him as close as I could, but I still couldn't make out his face. "Jax, when you were a baby, did you pick a power drill as your first toy? How else do you explain this level of destructive force?" "Thanks." "That wasn't a compliment!" I seethed. "I don't have a spare pair. I can't even see the ground in front of me. Maybe instead of the stairs or the elevator, we should just try free-falling on the way down." "I'm sorry, but can you let go of me first?" That's when I noticed the tips of his ears were bright red. Jax covered his face with his hands. "Too… too close." Then he bolted, leaving me alone on the rooftop to face the cold, lonely wind. A few minutes later, he came back, muttering something about helping me down the stairs. BRRRING— The school bell shrieked. We were definitely going to be late. Jax was consumed by guilt. He couldn't even look at me, just stared at the ground as he hurried along. In his haste, he tripped over his own feet, nearly sending both of us tumbling. "Are you trying to help me or kill me? Let go!" A vein throbbed in my temple. I gave up on my useless human crutch and felt my own way down the stairs, one hand on the railing. 6 Years later, someone asked how Jax and I became friends. After all, we were polar opposites, the perfect embodiment of "the chaotic one and the grumpy one." When I heard the question, I just smiled faintly. It looked like serene acceptance, but in reality, I'd just run out of options. From the very beginning of our friendship, I could have written a book: The Art of Putting Up With People. 7 Because we were late, we ended up standing side-by-side as punishment outside the classroom. I had my spare glasses on now, so I could clearly see Jax sneaking glances at me, looking like a guilty puppy. My slightest movement made him flinch, bracing for a hit. I sighed in exasperation and looked out the window. The sunlight was so fierce it seemed to bleach the world white. Cicadas, summer's most fervent disciples, shrieked without pause. The only relief was the breeze that snaked its way into the collar of our uniforms. Ivy crept up the red brick wall of the building across the way. When the wind blew, the leaves fluttered, making it look like a giant, furry creature breathing softly. As the light shifted, the leaves broke apart into a thousand tiny shields, as if the creature were shaking its scales. The vibrant colors were dazzling. I was so captivated that I forgot why I was standing there in the first place. I’d always rushed through the hallways, trying to avoid eye contact, never once noticing the view outside, even though I saw it every day. In a way, being late was a blessing in disguise. A small smile touched my lips. I've gotten so used to bad luck that I can even talk myself into seeing the bright side of things like this. "Leo?" Jax whispered, his head still bowed. "Hm?" "It's all my fault. I'm so clumsy," he said, tugging on my sleeve, his voice thick with unshed tears. "I'll pay for your glasses, I promise. Just… please don't ignore me, okay?" "It's fine. I'm not mad." "Really? But you were just smiling in this really scary way. Like you were already planning my burial." … I should just hit him. 8 To show how sorry he was, Jax invited me to his "secret base." "Come on, come on! I promise you won't be disappointed!" For someone whose life revolved around a boring two-point routine between home and school, the offer was undeniably tempting. Dad was on the night shift, so no one would notice if I got home a little late. After a moment's thought, I agreed. "Yes!" Jax beamed, a five-fingered handprint still visible on his cheek. He started humming a tuneless little song, skipping ahead of me, his shirt catching the wind. A warm halo of light surrounded his head, and dappled shadows danced at his feet. The sun was setting, painting the distant sky with a rose-colored veil. I followed him in silence for a long time. "We're here." We passed through a crooked wooden fence. I looked where he was pointing, and the scenery changed in an instant. It was a garden overflowing with roses, so vibrant it looked as if the sunset itself had descended to embrace the earth. Soft colors swirled and stretched in a gentle, unhurried dance. The flowers seemed to hold hands, weaving together a delicate dream. "Whenever I'm feeling down, I come here to plant flowers," he said, uncharacteristically shy. "I planted the first one when I was in elementary school. It was Arbor Day, and the teacher said we could all plant something at school. I was so excited." "And then what happened?" "I forgot my uniform sash, and I was too scared to go in. I just stood at the gate, holding my little flower, while all the other kids were laughing and having fun on the other side of the wall. I felt so left out that I just started crying and ran away. I ended up here somehow. When I was done crying, I realized it was a pretty good spot for a flower. So I dug a hole with my bare hands and got mud all over my face." "Hahahaha!" I pictured a tiny, miserable version of Jax, planting a flower with tears streaming down his muddy cheeks. I couldn't help but laugh. "Whoa, that's the first time I've ever heard you laugh," Jax said, blinking at me. "You probably don't realize it, but you never actually laugh out loud." I froze. He was right. Since my brother died, I rarely smiled, let alone laughed. I knew I was gloomy and boring, completely unlikable. Sometimes, when I tried to get closer to people, my expression would be so stiff it looked like I was trying to start a fight. Social failure made me avoid people even more. Less interaction made me more nervous for the next attempt, which would inevitably go worse. It was a vicious cycle. Jax's voice pulled me from my thoughts. "Look up, Leo." Twilight had fallen. In the darkness, his eyes were still shining. "It's a full moon." I looked up. The moonlight was fragrant and serene. It was probably just me, but for a moment, I imagined the moon was a spotlight, and Jax and I were the only two people on stage. Bathed in the beauty of the night, the self-pity that had filled my mind just moments ago seemed to melt away. It was magical. I took off my glasses. I could feel an intense gaze on me. Jax was staring at my face. "I have a bad astigmatism," I explained. "The moon actually looks bigger without them." "Oh, r-right," he stammered. "You, uh, you should look at the moon. Not at me." I had no idea what was going on, but I did as he said. I was too young then to understand: The eyes will always betray the heart's deepest secrets.
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