While filming a reality show, I made instant noodles for my sister. She immediately called me out, claiming I made it wrong. "Mom always puts two eggs in when she makes noodles," she insisted. I stared at her. I have never in my life eaten instant noodles with eggs in them. Right there on set, we called our mother. Mom admitted it. "It's just a small thing. Why are you making such a big deal out of it? You’re being so petty." That day, a discussion thread quietly climbed the trending topics. The title: [Turns out hearts really are crooked; parents never love equally.] 1 When I called Mom, I was still convinced my sister, Bella, was remembering wrong. Growing up, we were poor. Instant noodles were a luxury, reserved only for birthdays. I remembered clearly: there were no eggs in the noodles. Bella wasn't backing down. "There were! Mom always poached two eggs at the bottom of the bowl. You just forgot." Since the show was live-streamed, the comments were buzzing, placing bets on who was right. The call connected quickly. Bella, always the fast talker, blurted out the situation immediately. Silence on the other end. Then, Mom admitted it. "Yes, I always put two eggs in for Bella." Seeing Mom admit it, Bella looked triumphant. My heart sank to the bottom of an icy lake. I asked, "Then Mom, why did I never get any eggs growing up?" Mom’s tone was dismissive, even accusatory. "It's just two eggs. Why are you so petty, holding a grudge against your sister over something so small?" I lowered my eyes and said nothing. I wasn't grudging two eggs. I wanted to know why she had them, and I didn't. Bella realized something was off and stopped smiling. On the phone, Mom was still laughing. "Anna, you're not seriously mad about two eggs, are you? Fine, fine, stop fussing. Next time you come home, I'll boil ten eggs just for you." She attributed my silence to missing out on eggs. I knew if I argued further, Mom would dig in her heels and get angry, probably asking if I’d be happy only if my sister dropped dead. Often, I’m not trying to win an argument. I just want fairness. 2 We were still live, so I didn't dare listen to what else Mom might say. I hung up. The viewer count spiked. [Anna's mom totally missed the point. She doesn't even think she did anything wrong.] [Kinda feel bad for Anna. Her parents don't seem to treat her very well.] [If they actually cared, they wouldn't have let Anna enter the entertainment industry at fifteen. Look at her sister, studying abroad since she was a kid.] [Hilarious. A bunch of maids feeling sorry for the princess.] [Here we go again. Everyone knows Anna has bad grades. She didn't even finish high school.] More viewers meant more varied opinions. The production team quickly started moderating the comments and asked me if I wanted to control the narrative. "It's fine. Any publicity is good publicity," I said. I didn't care if people cursed me out. The director looked at me with some hesitation and told me the plan for tomorrow. "The production team saw the traction on the 'family trauma' topic. We want to hold a roundtable discussion tomorrow about toxic families. Anna, can you participate?" I nodded. My background wasn't a secret in the industry, but few knew the details. I was born in a poverty-stricken mountain region. It was so poor there wasn't even a proper school. That's why I never finished my mandatory education. Later, a photo of me went viral, and I stumbled into show business. My parents used the money I earned to send my sister abroad for school. They always said I was "sensible," that I could earn money early so they didn't have to worry about me. In reality, I wasn't sensible by choice; I was forced to be. We were poor, so they went to the city to work. They said city life was expensive, so they had to leave me in the village. I never resented them for that. But later, when they had my sister, they kept her with them. I asked why. Didn't they say it was too expensive in the city? Why could they take Bella? They said I was the older sister, I had to be understanding. Bella was young; she couldn't be without Mom and Dad. They felt sorry for Bella being small. When haters mocked me for being uneducated, my parents desperately sent Bella to study abroad to get a good degree. I comforted myself over and over. I am the older sister. I need to be understanding. Mom and Dad don't not love me; it's just that when I was little, the conditions weren't right. But today, hearing Bella say her noodles always had two eggs... The lie popped like a soap bubble. 3 At 1:30 PM, the livestream started on time. Bella arrived promptly. Several industry veterans were also participating. Bella was outgoing and knew how to charm the elders. Completely different from me. When I entered the industry, I was like a little mushroom growing in a dark corner. I couldn't even speak standard Mandarin properly, let alone flatter people. "Juilliard? That's impressive," said Kyle, a famous music producer. "Anna, your sister is amazing." I nodded with a smile. Bella was indeed amazing. Unlike me, she sparkled. [Juilliard? I just googled it. Number one music school in the world. Insane.] [More than that. Kyle tried to get in back in the day and failed. They only take geniuses among geniuses.] [Anna and her sister are opposites. One is an illiterate dropout, the other is an academic elite.] The chat quickly dug up details on Bella's school. Bella tried to pull me into the conversation. I shook my head, not feeling like talking. The host arrived with the topic for the afternoon discussion. Theme: What is the best gift your parents ever gave you? Bella spoke first. She didn't seem to care about anyone's gaze, always confident. The kind of high-energy sunshine girl everyone loves. You could tell she grew up surrounded by love. I looked at her with envy. Bella talked for a long time. Most of it I knew, some I didn't. She said: "All the family properties are in my name. Since I was born, they bought an insurance policy for me. Once I turn 25, I get $8,000 a month." She smiled slyly, eyes twinkling. "Mom said, no matter how bad inflation gets, even when I'm eighty, I'll still get the money they saved for me. I can tell everyone enviously watching, 'This is the candy my mom and dad bought me.'" The chat flew by: [So jealous. Am I the only one finding out about this insurance now?] [Don't be jealous. That policy costs like $30k a year. You have to pay from birth until 25.] [Aren't Anna and Bella sisters? Didn't she say her family was poor? How did her sister have this insurance since birth?] Some people on set who knew my background glanced at me, their looks ranging from curious to knowing. The host threw the question to me. "Anna and Bella are sisters. Did you know about this insurance?" They thought my "poor family" story was just a persona. They wanted to dig up dirt. I said, "Ah," looking embarrassed. "I don't think I have that insurance." If I did, I wouldn't have dropped out of school because of poverty. The atmosphere stiffened. The host changed the subject. "Anna, can you tell us what the best gift your parents gave you was?" "Probably... a silver bracelet." I unconsciously twisted the bracelet on my wrist. I had worn it since my debut. It was my thirteenth birthday present. In middle school, silver bracelets were trendy. Most girls got them from their moms. They said wearing silver was good for your health. I wanted one too. So, I carefully asked Mom. Mom was still working out of town then. She was impatient. She said silver was expensive and told me to be sensible. But on my thirteenth birthday, I received a silver bracelet. I thought Mom was just tough on the outside but soft on the inside. Later, Mom let it slip. The bracelet appeared because... Bella wanted a silver bracelet, got one, wore it for a few days, and didn't want it anymore. She thought it was tacky and ugly. So it ended up on my wrist. I was angry when I found out. Mom just laughed it off, telling me not to be so petty. The matter was dropped, and no one mentioned it again. I thought I had forgotten these things. I didn't expect a few questions to bring it all back. Wounds I thought were healed were just hidden. They didn't heal with time; they festered, red and swollen. Occasionally stinging, always uncomfortable. 5 The chat went silent after I spoke. It took a long time for new comments to appear. [That's so unfair. The sister gets everything, and Anna only has a bracelet to talk about.] [You guys mock Anna for being uneducated, but she never got a good education. She dropped out.] [This hurts. Anna's parents are so biased. They gave the sister the best conditions but left Anna behind.] A discussion quietly climbed the trending topics. Title: [Turns out hearts really are crooked; parents never love equally.] Viewer numbers surged. After me, it was Kyle. He thought for a moment, seemingly stumped. Apologetically, he said, "Sorry, I don't think I have one." Many people in the industry had unhappy childhoods. Kyle was a child star. His parents were in the industry. He was in the public eye very young. But in his teens, he got hated by the entire internet, so he quit. When he returned, he was a producer behind the scenes. Few knew what he went through those years. When discussing this topic, most avoided it. The chat viewers started sharing their best gifts. [I feel the best gift my parents gave me was being born a global citizen, letting me choose my nationality.] [For me, it was probably them sending me abroad instead of making me take the SATs.] [Must be nice. If not for you guys, I wouldn't even know what a global citizen is. But I'm not doing bad, I have lots of love. My parents love me very much.] But most were silent. The host realized the roundtable was getting too depressing. He quickly introduced the next segment. We were led into separate small rooms. There were questions on the wall. "Do you think your parents loved you?" "If you had a time machine, what would you say to your younger self?" The director asked me to pick a few to answer. I looked at the questions. The director really knew how to twist the knife. All of them hit the heart. I was silent for a moment, then bared my heart to the public for the first time. "I think my parents... probably loved me." They loved me, but not enough. Their love was mixed with other things. I remembered getting my first paycheck in the entertainment industry—$500. I kept $200 and sent the rest home. After receiving the money, Mom and Dad asked me: "Are you cold in Beijing? Are you eating well?" That was the first time I felt their concern. They finally remembered their eldest daughter. They often sent me food packages. Occasionally called to check on me. But I was always confused. I felt this might not be love. I said: "They love me, but they love my sister more." "Their love for me is conditional. Their love for my sister is unconditional." The chat was silent for a long time before scrolling again. [Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.] [That's parental love for you. Not too much, not too little, just enough to trap you completely. Can't cut them off, can't forget the pain. Just stuck there, suffering.]
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