The memorial service my best friend arranged was utterly destroyed. Trolls swarmed the funeral home, livestreaming with their phones. “Serves her right,” they chanted. The comment section flooded with messages: Is she really dead this time? My ex-husband and his lover celebrated on a yacht for a week straight, champagne in hand. It seemed everyone believed I deserved to die early. Until one day, my diary was made public. And everyone finally learned the truth. That in my entire life, I had only been happy for a single, fleeting moment. 1. On the talk show, the host suddenly veered off-topic. “Rick, Mr. Brown. Your ex-wife recently passed away from an illness. How did that make you feel?” Rick Brown, the A-list actor, just scoffed. “I felt nothing. I heard her memorial service was trashed. Good.” The host smiled, lowering his gaze. “You don’t mind if we talk about your ex-wife, do you? After all, her death is a very hot topic right now.” If he were trying to capitalize on anyone else’s death, the backlash would have been merciless. But it was my death. And no one online cared. “Ask whatever you want,” Rick said. “I’m curious,” the host began. “Everyone says Zara Hale was a terrible person. So why did you two get married in the first place?” The superstar fell silent. He probably couldn’t remember why himself. The host chuckled. “Well, as it happens, we have a copy of Ms. Hale’s diary right here. You wouldn’t mind if we shared it with everyone, would you?” Rick smirked. “A high school dropout? Did she even know how to write? Go ahead. I couldn’t care less.” But when the slightly worn diary was opened for the cameras, a hush fell over the studio. The handwriting was neat and elegant, not at all what you’d expect from the madwoman the media had painted me as. “Well then,” the host said with a smile, “allow me to read.” 2. October 3rd, 2020 I’m getting married today! And who’s the groom? My Rick, of course. Who else would I ever want to marry? And who else would he ever dare to marry? If he tried, I’d tear him limb from limb. We’ve been together for six years. Today, I finally married the boy I fell in love with when I was eighteen. Oh, Diary, you should have seen how nervous Rick was when he put the ring on my finger. The tips of his ears turned bright red, and his eyes weltered up immediately. It’s true what they say… a man’s tears can make a woman’s heart soar. Seriously, I couldn’t stop smiling. But, Diary, I’m not afraid to tell you the truth. Later, when Rick was drunk and collapsed into my arms, I was the one who cried even harder. He whispered in my ear, “Zara, I love you. I love you so, so much.” “Thank you for being my wife.” Honestly, I’m the one who should be thanking him. Because of him, for the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged somewhere. At the wedding, Rick’s mom gave me a hug. As she held me, my nose started to sting. It was the first time an elder had ever hugged me. So, this is what a mother’s love feels like. Growing up in an orphanage, I never knew what a hug was. For us orphans, it didn’t matter how good you were; no one was going to hug you. When we cried, we just lay on the mats on the floor until we stopped. At school, our teachers always said we were such well-behaved kids. The truth is, we learned early on that crying got you nothing. And just being quiet never earned you a hug. So, we learned to hide what we felt. It wasn’t until I met Rick that I learned I could just be myself. And he would still love me. Now, Rick and I finally have a home. We’re broke, sure. But things will get better. I told him, “This is the happiest moment of my life.” He held me tight, his voice thick with emotion. “What do you mean, the happiest? From now on, every day will be happy.” Getting married is the best. I have someone to share my life with. I have a family. I’m not alone anymore. P.S. Here’s a wedding photo. It’s small, only a 5x7. I’m wearing a twenty-dollar tulle skirt I bought on Amazon, and Rick’s in the only decent suit he owns. Our clothes are simple, but our smiles are the brightest you’ve ever seen. Rick promised me. When he makes it big. He’ll take me to the beaches of Bali for a proper wedding photoshoot. The host finished reading and took a deep breath. No one had expected that I, the venomous villain, could have shared memories like these with Rick. The words on the page were playful, sweet. Anyone could see how happy I was back then. There’s nothing more devastating than a love that’s expired. Rick stared, stunned, for a long moment. Those memories had been buried for so long. Back then, marrying me had felt like the greatest victory of his life. He had forgotten all of it. The viewers were confused, too. This was nothing like the vicious Zara Hale they knew. “Reading this, she just sounds like a normal girl in love.” “It’s gotta be fake. That handwriting doesn’t look like hers.” “So she was an orphan. No wonder she had no class.” The host turned to Rick. “Mr. Brown, it sounds like you two were very happy when you got married.” Rick seemed to snap out of his trance, a bitter, self-mocking smile twisting his lips. “She used to be a good person, yes. But you can never truly know what’s in someone’s heart.” The host smiled thinly. “Perhaps. Let’s move on to the second page, shall we?” “Honestly, I’m quite curious myself to see what happened to turn Ms. Hale into the monster everyone despises.” 3. January 6th, 2021 Sorry for ignoring you, Diary. I’ve been busy working as an extra. But I need to ramble today. How do people make a lot of money? What if I started spending ten dollars a day on a lottery ticket? A meal on set costs ten dollars. If I skip dinner, I can save that much. What if I actually won? I know I shouldn’t be fantasizing about winning the lottery, Diary. But I’m just so broke. I can’t ask Rick for money, though. He’s already under so much pressure. He’s filming late into the night, every night. And during the day, he takes on freelance editing jobs to make extra cash. He’s so exhausted, but he always pretends to be fine, telling me, “Don’t worry, baby, I’m not tired.” It breaks my heart. I’ll figure something out on my own. Attached photo: Rick’s perfect sleeping face. Something to look at when the days feel hopeless~ The host paused. “Mr. Brown, I have to ask. Did you know Zara was so desperate for money at this time?” Rick shook his head. “I was her husband. If she needed money and didn’t tell me, it must have been for something shameful.” “Then again,” he added with a sneer, “it’s no surprise, considering all the disgusting things she did later.” “She’d do anything for money. It’s pathetic.” The host sighed and continued reading. 4. January 10th, 2021 Diary. My best friend is dead. We spent more than a decade together in the orphanage. And now she’s gone. All because we couldn’t scrape together five thousand dollars. I told her I’d find a way. I told her to just hold on. I would have delivered food, done anything to get the money for her treatment. But while I was on set, she pulled out her own oxygen tube. She left me a voice recording. “Zara,” she said, “we were abandoned as kids. Most of us aren’t very healthy. I’m just happy I made it to 25.” “Don’t be sad for me. Maybe in heaven, I’ll finally get to meet the parents who threw me away.” “I’ve got a bone to pick with them.” “You and Rick need to be happy together.” “And hey, remember to get regular check-ups. People like us can’t afford to get sick.” I cried until I couldn’t breathe. We were so close. If she had just waited a little longer, maybe I could have earned it. Diary. Why is life so unfair? Today on set, I heard the producers gave the lead actress several handbags that were each worth over five thousand dollars. A single handbag could have saved my friend’s life. Writing this reminds me of something. When I was little, I had another friend at the orphanage. Her name was beautiful, Maeve. She had a round face, and when she smiled, her eyes curved into beautiful crescent moons. Compared to the rest of us, she just radiated life. She was so bright that when she was eight, a wealthy family adopted her. I was so happy for her when we said goodbye. But a year later, she came back. She was so much thinner. And she never smiled anymore. Worst of all, she couldn’t speak. She wrote on a piece of paper and told me what had happened. She had been subjected to unspeakable abuse for a year. Her adoptive parents were afraid she would tell someone. So they cut out her tongue. I ran to the director of the orphanage, trying to get help, but he beat me half to death. He had taken money from that family to keep quiet. Maeve… she killed herself not long after that. And now my other friend is gone, too. There aren’t many of us left from the orphanage. Diary, I want so badly to tell Rick all of this. But when I look into his tired, smiling eyes… I just can’t. I’ll wait until things get better. I don’t want to be another burden for him. Goodnight, Diary. I hope I wake up to news about my audition. The host’s voice trembled as he read. Online comments flooded in. “So she needed the money for her friend.” “Forget that, what the hell kind of orphanage is that? Someone needs to investigate.” “This feels like a PR stunt to make her look good. But you can tell she was just a jealous person, getting angry over a five-thousand-dollar bag.” The host sighed and looked at Rick. “Mr. Brown, did you know your wife needed five thousand dollars?” “You were both 25 by then. Did you really not have that much in savings?” Rick’s pupils constricted. His mouth moved, but no sound came out at first. “That year… we had saved ten thousand dollars together. I had promised her I’d buy her a gold bracelet…” “But… at the end of the year, my mom got really sick.” “It took every penny we had…” “After that… she never mentioned the bracelet again, and I never bought it.” Rick’s voice grew quieter as he lowered his eyes. The comment section exploded. “So you’re telling me Zara gave all her savings for her mother-in-law’s treatment, and then had nothing left for herself?” “What are you talking about? When you’re married, you’re family.” “If she’d had that gold bracelet, maybe she could have sold it and saved her friend.” The truth is, Rick didn’t tell the whole story. His mother had insurance, which covered most of the medical bills. When the reimbursement check came, I didn’t see a cent of it. When my friend got sick, I gathered my courage and asked my mother-in-law for help. I offered to borrow the money, but she just ridiculed me. “Marrying you was the greatest charity we could offer.” “And you have the audacity to ask me for money?” “You’re an orphan. You have no one to stand up for you.” I stood there, frozen. My ears were ringing. The woman who, at my wedding, had promised to treat me like her own daughter, was now looking at me with pure contempt. We never had a real wedding, just a small gathering of friends and family. I didn’t get any jewelry, no dowry. And in the end, I didn’t even get respect. I learned later. Once a wife moves in, everyone’s true colors come out. Especially a wife with no one in her corner. The pain that never made it into my diary was far greater than anything Rick knew. 5. The host gave a bitter smile, tinged with sarcasm. “So, the reason Zara had no money was because she gave it all to pay for your mother’s medical bills, correct?” The question was sharp. The online comments devolved into a screaming match. Some people were starting to realize something was wrong. The feed was scrolling too fast to read. Rick’s face stiffened. He unconsciously tugged at his tie. “That’s right. And if she hadn’t… if she hadn’t done all those disgusting things later, I would have paid her back, of course.” His voice grew louder, more self-righteous with each word. The host just smiled. “Is that so?” “Then I’ll keep reading.” “Let’s see how Zara ‘changed.’” 6. May 20th, 2021 Diary! I have great news. I passed my audition! I got the role of the fourth female lead in the big-budget production, Veil of Smoke! It’s my first time in a major production! But when I went to share the happy news with Rick… I found him sitting on the edge of the bed, his face clouded with worry. When he saw me, his expression turned guilty. “Zara… we were supposed to make a down payment on a house next month. I don’t think we can anymore.” “I failed another audition. They wouldn’t even take me for a supporting role.” “I think… I think I’ll have to go back to being an extra.” His eyes were red, filled with uncertainty about the future. In that moment, I remembered four years ago. When we first broke into the industry. His eyes were full of stars, burning with passion for what was to come. Now, failure was extinguishing that fire. My heart ached for him. I wrapped my arms around him and told him everything would be okay. The news about my own successful audition stayed locked inside me. Maybe the house we wanted wasn’t that great anyway. Maybe my role wasn’t as good as I thought. Maybe something better was just around the corner. I never doubted my Rick. He’s so talented. Sooner or later, he’ll be the brightest star of them all. As the host read this entry, the screen filled with question marks. Rick’s expression froze. Because everyone knew. The actress who became a star playing the fourth female lead in Veil of Smoke wasn’t me. There had been rumors that I was originally cast, but everyone had laughed them off, assuming it was just a story I had paid to have planted in the tabloids. No one had ever imagined. I had been so close to making it. 7. May 25th, 2021 Veil of Smoke is about to start filming, but the actor cast as the fourth male lead was just exposed in a scandal. A lightbulb went off in my head. My Rick. Maybe this was his chance. I stayed up all night putting together a reel of his best performances, and first thing in the morning, I sent it to the director. Diary, you have no idea how nervous I was. The moment I hit ‘send,’ my whole body was shaking. That same day, Rick got a call for an audition. But after he finished… The director pulled me aside. He looked uncomfortable. “Zara, we’re very impressed with Rick, the actor you recommended.” “But… you and Rick are with the same agency. And as you know, for a hit show like this, the number of slots per agency is strictly limited.” “Your agency only gets one actor in this show.” He looked at me, his gaze heavy. “To be honest, the reason I’m asking you is because I think you’re the more talented one.” Diary. What was the director even talking about? Was this even a choice? Of course I gave the role to Rick. I’m talented. I’ll get another chance. But my Rick… he needed this confidence boost more than I did. When Rick found out he got the part, he picked me up and spun me around and around. My Rick was back. When he’s happy, I’m happy. Hearing this, Rick’s eyes widened in disbelief. “That’s impossible… my role… how could it…” The internet went into a meltdown. “HOLY S**T, RICK’S CAREER TOOK OFF BECAUSE OF VEIL OF SMOKE.” “Wait, so the key point is, Rick’s big break only happened because Zara gave up her spot for him?” “This has to be fake. I’m going to go dig up the old gossip threads right now.” The host looked at Rick. “Mr. Brown, is there anything you’d like to say now?” Rick’s throat worked, but it was a long moment before he could speak. “She… she really was a good person back then. But…” He didn’t finish the sentence. But I knew what he wanted to say. He wanted to say: But what happened to you? How did you change? 8. June 13th, 2022 Diary. Am I being too sensitive? Veil of Smoke was a massive hit. Rick became a star overnight playing the fourth male lead. His character in the show was just so perfect. His tragic, unrequited love for the fourth female lead made countless viewers cry their eyes out. A lot of people started ‘shipping’ them in real life. I’ll admit, even I shipped them when I was watching. But… seeing Rick and Delilah working so hard to sell their fake relationship… I still got a little jealous. Oh, well. I’m a generous person. I’m not going to get mad. After all, if Rick is famous… I’m even happier. Oh, and Diary! I’m auditioning for the second female lead in a small web series tomorrow. Wish me luck! Attached news clipping: “Hmph. Rick is smiling so sweetly at Delilah in this picture.” “If he doesn’t smile at me that sweetly from now on, he’s going to get an earful.” 9. June 14th, 2022 Diary! Today was an amazing day! I passed my audition! I’m the second female lead in Dream’s Darkest Shore! The second lead! I have so many scenes! I was going to tell Rick the Cabbage first. But he’s been secretly having dinner with Delilah behind my back. Attached photo: Paparazzi shot of the two of them. One looking shy, the other’s ears bright red. They look so perfect together! Hmph. A man who doesn’t respect himself… Is like a rotten cabbage. I’m not going to be the one to tell Rick the Cabbage my good news. He can see it for himself when the studio makes the official announcement. Although… If he explains himself today… Maybe I’ll tell him. Fine, I’ll give him three days. After the host finished, the tide of public opinion began to turn. “Okay, does anyone else find this really cute?” “Am I the only one who finds this heartbreaking? They were so sweet back then. How did it end with them never speaking again?” “She’s faking it.” Rick stared at the screen, lost in a daze. He had never realized. Back then, I had really, truly loved him so much.
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